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female
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anonymous
writes: In my previous marriage my ex-husband was very abusive (physically and emotionally). It was to a point where he got really violent where I was afraid to be under the same roof as him. So, therefore, I had to get out of the relationship and got a divorce. We were married for 1 1/2 years and had a kid together. Soon after the divorce, I met my boyfriend/fiance whom I've lived with in the past 3 years and have a daughter with. With my current relationship, it was hard in the beginning and still is because his family is very traditional and family orientated. His parents still can't get past the "she had a kid with her previous marriage".. and that is what upsets me. She treats my son (child from previous marriage) and me poorly. My boyfriend/fiance had no say in this situation. He say that he does not want to be in the middle, where he has to choose sides. I understand him and all but this has been going on ever since the day we met. His mom never accepted me nor my son. I always thought that my boyfriend/fiance would always be there on my side. Not only that, he is an alcoholic which makes it even harder for me to sit down and have a talk with him, because he is never sober. To make a long story short I have met someone else and he adores my kids and I and I'm wanting to start over again but I dont know what to do. This guy accepts me and my kids insides and out, he listens and is there when I need him. I want to be happy. But I want my kids to be happy too. I love my kids, but I'm just so unhappy when I'm around my boyfriend/fiance. I dont want my kids to see me sad all the time. I just dont want them to grow up hating me because I've had multiple marriages. I'm so confused. I've been to therapy in the last year because of all the stress.I want to leave my current boyfriend/fiance but I don't know how to do it. What do I do? Has anyone else been in this situation? Do I leave or stay and make everyone else happy. At the moment I am contemplating just ending it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): hugs irish inspired me!-- i was in your position years ago and am so glad for my child that i got to show my child a healthy life as a single mom-- i didn't have anyone in his day to day life or date with him for 10 years-- and it was great!-- i started living with someone who is a good person in terms of not drinking or beating - but we can't communicate at all-- i've not wanted to end another relationship and been frozen in time-- i think as irish says-- starting with some kind of emotional financial independence will help determine if your there for you or for being trapped--- it doesn't have to be 10 years!- but if your worried about the effects on your child - take your time be on your own for a couple years and choose to be with this great guy- if he's a great guy-- he would want that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): I say : YOu leave that drunk b/f of yours. But I have to tell you life won't be easy. You'll have custody, alimony, child support battles, and the list goes on ... he might even sue you for adultry ... if he suspects of anything.
I don't know what will happen in the end, because I haven't lived that far ... But I can relate to the first 1/2 of your story... and now I too live with someone with a son from my first marriage. I am not married now, and I don't think I ever will, I don't any have children with my second companion, and I don't think I want any either ... He is a drunk, he yells, and lashes out at him all the time, so I too have to make my move... but I dont have a charming knight waiting to love me. But I do have my child, whom is all I could ever ask for. Grass is never green on the other side of the fence, but when you do get to the other side just water the grass and it will turn green ... at least that is my hope/ I am saving enought $$ to make my move, I hope you have done that already. Best of luck to your and your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): No..you leave. Your children will be okay if the two of you (your bf and you) are offering love and reassurance to them. Whether it's now or after they are grown...its still going to hurt, but they can get through it. Children are amazingly , resilient little folk. They bounce back with courage in the face of unhappiness and negative circumstances. We all could learn from them. But, if his family is resenting your son-then you should protect that child from their emotional abuse. It will just worsen as the child gets older if you stay in this unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. And it's apparent your bf doesn't respect you enough to take a stand against his family and ask them to treat you and your son, fairly.
It is important that before making any major decisions that you attempt to reduce the stress in your life. Get yourself on stable financial & emotional ground so you can handle whatever comes your way. Devise a survival or back up plan to give yourself more of a sense of control over your life. You may not ever have to use it, but have it anyway. But is seems, you and your children's emotional safety depends on being separated from your bf, you must make that your priority for yourself and your children.
When making this type of life-changing decision, recognize what you will lose and do not count on what you may receive. Being single again may make you feel happier but reconsider going into the arms of another man for awhile. Date him but don't depend on him to live with you and give you a life. Doing this could likely likely have worse adverse effects on the children. Your children will need time to accept the split-up..perhaps, you should really consider living independently without a man and living on your own, just you and the kids. Still date this other guy-his support will help but I think the happiest you'll ever be, is claiming your life for yourself and your kids...doing it on your own. What a great feeling of empowerment that is for women and an awesome self-esteem builder. Try not to depend on men constantly, to give you a life and happiness. Make your own life-your own way in the world. You have to truely love yourself and be content with you, first! And if you can do this on your own..what an awesome role model for your children-you would be.
If you do make the decision to leave, be good to yourself. Remember that when your relationship fails, it doesn't mean you are a failure. Some unhealthy relationships are not meant to succeed. And if this current bf is an alcoholic, this is NOT a healthy situation for you and the kids. One can't keep trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense or can't be solved. And his alcoholism is a huge issue-he has to learn to heal himself.
Take care, dear and be strong. If you believe..you will achieve.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (31 August 2005):
Firstly, please stop punishing yourself over the events which have occurred so far in your life. So you may have made misjudgements, but you are accepting that you have made mistakes, and the fact that you are seeking professional help shows that you are beginning to regain control of your life. Surely this must be quite empowering?
Your priority right now must be the preservation of your mental and physical health, and the welfare and care of your children. How can you parent properly whilst you are unhappy? Children are incredibly perceptive and will sense your unhappiness. They are also amazingly adaptable.
What kind of response have you had from your therapist? Has this helped you put things into perspective at all? What I notice about your history is that you seem to become involved very quickly with another man following a split. Unfortunately this rebound behaviour means that you are never forced to build a safe base for just yourself and your children. Of course it is a terrifiying prospect being a single parent, but I truly do think you need some breathing space before you become deeply involved with another man. This other person you have met seems to be a genuine caring man, but I would urge you to take things slower this time around. For your own sake, and that of your children. You have been terribly hurt in the past, and will no doubt have been feeling vulnerable when you first started dating your fiancee.
As for your current relationship, this is making you deeply unhappy, bordering on depression. He is not being a supportive partner to you, or a good father to his child(ren). I presume that you have tried to work things out, however I understand your frustrations, if he is never sober, trying to have a meaningful conversation with him must feel like banging your head against a brick wall. It doesn't help that you in-laws are terribly prejudiced against you either. If the relationship truly cannot be salavaged and you are deeply unhappy, then you know what your answer is. It is better your children are raised in an environment where they have a happy, single parent as a role model than a depressed mother and an alcoholic father. Children are extremely adaptable, and will adjust to a new situation.
You have a responsibility to care for yourself and for your children. Build a foundation for you and your children. By all means continue to see the new man, but do not bring him into your or your children's lives too quickly. If he is decent, and it sounds like he is, then he will be prepared to give you time.
In the meantime, continue with the therapy and do what is best for you to be a good parent.
I wish you all the best
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): You are confused and feel like your life is in a mess. Its really hard bringing up kids on your own but it's even harder to do it with a sick partner. It sounds like your new boyfriend is really nice and all but I would take my time if I were you. Just take about six months where you are not comitted to anybody but your children and you. If this new guy really likes you he will give you the space. Its hard when you feel like ending it all, it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and nobody understands what you are going through, and if you do talk to some one they end up judging you and making you feel like a bad mum. At the end of the day you need to give yourself some credit, after all you are the one who is there for them when times are tough.
Delila
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