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female
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anonymous
writes: I need lots of input on this one, from all types. Single, married, with children, without children When responding please state that status, it may help me to understand. Here is my question. In a relationship, who comes first, the children or the spouse or your significant other? In my case the significant other is not the children's parent. I guess I would like an answer on both. Father /mother situation, and one parent with a significant other. Who comes first? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, healthywahm +, writes (27 October 2005):
Hello! I hope it's not too late to post this. I am a 22 year old single mother with 2 kids, ages 3 and 2. The father has no contact at all. I tried to make it work, but he wasn't interested in a family.
Kids should definitely come first. They should always know that you love them more than anything else in the world, and that their position in your life is not being threatened. The smallest things can make them feel that way, too. I actually believe that your baby is always your baby, no matter how old, and I will continue to put my kids before any man for as long as I'm alive. And when I have grandkids, they'll tie for the number 1 position.
My own parents shaped this philosophy, so I can really show you the child's point of view. My dad married my stepmom when I was 6, and he almost always puts her first. I remember my mom was always having financial trouble even though she worked fulltime, and yet my dad and stepmom were going out to eat several times a week and going to the movies a lot! I was also excluded from a lot of his family's events because my stepmom didn't want me, and he listened to her. This brings me pain to this day...and it hurts my kids too. They're too young to comprehend everything that's going on, but they can understand that their grampa can't spend much time with them because his wife wants him home.
This may be an extreme example, I guess, but you should always put your kids first. There are very few exceptions to this. It's the best way to grow up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): Happily married.Mum of two,aged nine and three.Children must come first regardless.Partner must be considered, but ultimately is adult who must also understand that kids come first whether they are his or not.
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male
reader, revsteve +, writes (1 September 2005):
Well, coming from the view point of being a step-father for about 12 years now, I would STILL say that your children come first. I would even go so far as to say that you shouldn't even be dating anyone until your children are at least 18 years old and off to college. Your children do not want to split their loyalty between you and a new guy thats on the scene. They need you and only you without the fear, even if it's just a fear, of losing you to another man. Take care of you children now and date later.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): The kids come first, without question. Put yourself a close second. I am a married mum of 2 kids just about to be seperated. I hawve put others before me all my married life and now Im gonna put me and the kids first for a change. The significant other will have his time when the kids are out/with their father/at school. There will be plenty of time to share around
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female
reader, brownlie +, writes (31 August 2005):
I am a single parent, in a relationship with a new partner. My daughters father has just had a baby with his new wife. My daughter is 9 now and I have been raising her on my own sinse she was 1 year old. Her father has regular contact. This is the way prioritise the people in my life. Number 1 is most defenetly my child. She is the one who has the right to be fed, watered, loved cherished and guided in the right direction. WE, the adults in her life, have the responsability to provide her with all of these things. That sometimes means making sacrafices, encouraging absent parents to be involved, even when we have our own issues with that person. Our children did not make the choice to be here, to be involved in our domestic disputes. They have a right to be proctected from any negeative feelings that arise from them.
I am the next important person in my life. If I am not happy and healthy then my number one priorty - my child, will suffer. I also recognise that I work hard as parent and have earned the right to make choices that fulfil me and help me work towards becoming the person I want to be.
Its hard how to priorities your childs father and your new partner. They matter equally in very different ways. The father is your childs priority and you must recognise her/his right and need to have regular contact with him. Your partner is your priority, but you must always consider your childs feeling. A new person in their life after the trauma of parents breaking up, is a huge and scary transition. You must also ensure that your new partner understands this and makes allowances for any negative behaviour you child may display towards him in the initial stage of your relationship. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): They all come first, 'if' the husband/partner is the FATHER to her children. Remember, the relationship between the husband, the wife and God is the foundation of the family. If your a single Mom and he's not the father, then the children definitely come first. Some single mothers don't have the best track record in the choices they make in choosing mates. However, the majority of them would never allow a step-parent to hurt their kids! So in your case, it's critical you priorize your children first. Just my opinion and you asked.
Irish
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