A
female
age
51-59,
*oras521
writes:My husband was unfaithful to me when I was pregnant nearly 8 years ago and right up until I found out when my child was a toddler. We worked through things, have amazing sex now, he genuinely cannot get enough of me, I am early 40's but I have decided to leave him. I guess I never "really" forgave him and now feel he is only faithful because I have really found myself sexually. I have the major hots for a guy I knew when I was younger, he is 50, never married, lives a quiet life, we have business dealings so I have the opportunity to see him and speak to him regularly, I find myself being really girly and flirty with him and I can sense from his tone of voice and the way that he looks at me that he is warming to me. He would not be sexually experienced, I know that because we come from the same small rural area. I do not want to make the first move and frighten him off, I really care for him and would never hurt or embarras him but I really really want him and to see if we can make each other happy. I realise some people will read this and think I am some silly old bat having a mid life crisis or hungry for revenge against my husband but that is not the case, I do not respect my husband any more, no matter what he does for me and he does do a lot. I realise that I am very lucky but I am also independent and all I want is a man I can love and respect and who will love and respect me in turn and to make each other happy. Any insight from someone with similar experiences who came through this or just another view would be helpful as I cannot talk to anyone as divorce etc is taboo in my family.
View related questions:
divorce, flirt, revenge Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, foodfrthought  +, writes (16 August 2010):
I think this is about you..., not your husband. Don't think for a minute that what you are fantasizing about will work out. You are setting yourself up for a double whammy. I think you know that and are asking us to help you not "act out". Take stock of your life, and be grateful. Your husband sounds worthy of respect to me, try some fresh eyes, and definitely appreciate the fact that he cannot get enough of you, you do not know how rare that is. As well, he is invested, as are you... You are in your 40's, nothing will change that, and things can go from plateau to valley very quick. Good Luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Forgiveness is the most special thing that someone can bring to a relationship. If someone cheats on you and it has been a long time, you should be proud that you forgave him. Someone cheating could be because of a multitude of factors. It is not up to you to want to revenge or do things to get square with him. This just makes you a low being. If I were you, I would be proud of the fact that I forgave him and I would talk to him and seek his guidance as to what is really ailing you. You could even seek guidance together. Sometimes people may not really understand what respect is. It may be that you actually respect him but are just angry with him. To me it sounds like you are taking him for granted. What I know is that getting a man that truly respects and does thing for you like your husband may not be easy. There is a reason why this 50 year old is single. If he were that good with women, he would married or there would be women swarming around him, you would think, isn't that so? It may turn out he has issues with his sexuality or something. I don't understand why a 50 year old should be inexperienced in sexual matters. That comes across as awfully strange. What I would caution you against is going by your gut feeling and ignoring what you have. I have previously taken my fiancee for granted and in the process I lost her. I grieved for many years and was not able to be in a good relationship because of it. Have you asked yourself what you are putting your kids through, or is it all about yourself and everyone comes second? You may be leading your family to doom without considering your options wisely. If I were in your shoes, I would seek counselling.
...............................
A
female
reader, doras521 +, writes (10 March 2010):
doras521 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your feedback,all viewpoints are useful to me right now as I clearly have some very serious decisions to make. Thanks again for making the time to consider my question.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2010):
 You can never forgive or respect your husband, even though the sex is good and he dose everything he can to make it up to you. You are now flirting with some poor innocent guy who isn't chasing you, probably would never have sex with a married woman and is probably embarrassed by the way your acting.
Divorce is taboo, but it's OK to cheat, it's OK to flirt and it's OK to have sex with a man who it sounds like you despise.
I hate to tell you this, but you do sound like a "silly old bat who is having a mid-life crisis" who wants revenge on something that happened 8 years ago.
"I want is a man I can love and respect and who will love and respect me in turn and to make each other happy".. lady your not planning to divorce, your planning to be a cheat and sneak and hide... how the hell do think a guy is gonna respect you for that. Leave you husband, get a divorce, you want to be a single woman and screw around without conscience.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 March 2010):
 When your husband cheated on you all that time ago, it killed something inside of you. He obviously thought he could make it up to you but when trust has been destroyed, not much can be done. When you know inside your heart that you are unhappy, it's a powerful motivator.
It's not wrong to want to find the respect and trust in someone else and nobody has the right to tell you how to live your life (and life is not endless)but to make life easier for yourself, perhaps end your marriage before setting your sights on this new man. That way you can move on without any complications.
Best of luck
AE x
...............................
A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Hi
I think you are facing two issues here
1) whether to leave your husband and get a divorce
and
2) whether or not to act on your feelings with this other man
let's talk about 1 first. I think you are totally right to leave your husband if you can not forgive him for what happened. After all it has been 8 years and that is a very long time to try. However if you are suddenly feeling like this because you have feelings for this other man and deep down you really have forgiven him, you may want to seriously consider whether you should be thinking of leaving if things are good as you do not know much about this guy and he may not be worth leaving your marriage for. But like I said if you really still cant forgive him then it's time to leave and move on.
As for 2 if you decide leaving your husband is the right thing to do and go ahead with it maybe you should wait before you get involved with someone else. You said yourself that divorce with the people around you is a taboo subject so getting involved with someone straight after could cause probems for you and him.
I say think carefully about your desicions and base them around yourself. As for this other guy right now keep your distance you need to sort your life out first and you don't want to make decisions based on anything else but what's important now.
In the future if you do leave your husband find yourself and be single for awhile while you adjust to the major change in your life. Then when you are ready talk to whoever you are interested in then.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 March 2010):
 I would take a long hard look at what you have before persuing somthing based on a crush.
Also its not good to assume you know a persons private life just because they come from the same place as you.
Not having a go at you, but just think about it first.
...............................
|
