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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, please if someone can give me some advice! I am 40 and have been married for 10 years. Over a month ago I talked to my husband that I wanted to leave him, but it seems that he doesn´t want me to leave him, is like I feel obligated to stay with him. I have been living in his home country since 2002 but nothing seems to make him try to find a stable job, his mother suffers of alzheimer´s, his father and little retarded brother take care of her. My husband takes all the responsability to take care of them, he has a brother and sister that have a family and don´t seem to care enough of their parents. We don´t have kids. My husband wants to buy a house, but I don´t see a future here. I even think that if we buy a house, he will feel better and wait for a year or so and then I will ask him to get divorce. I am afraid that this will end very bad. Now we are renting a house. For me is to much problems that my husband even suffers. I love him, but is like a feel sorry feeling because he makes me guilty of our past as a couple (another long story). Sometimes is too much for me that I am trying not to end on a deep anxiety and depression stage. Thank you all for the advice!
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (21 June 2006):
 You two need to get away somewhere on your own - away from family obligations and distractions. It is only then when you are away from the real stress of daily life that you will be able to know if this relationship is worth trying for or not. As for his family situation, perhaps you can investigate some community support options for his mother - respite care etc - as you may see a big change in his attitude, and his obligations towards his family if there is some professional help. It sounds like he is snowed under with responsibility at the moment and probably isnt there for you. So if you look at ways to relieve his burden, and perhaps help him find a secure job by applying on his behalf then your quality of life may improve. If you walk away without trying to change things first then you may regret it in the future - you will forever wonder 'what if?' we did this, that or the other.
A
female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (21 June 2006):
 The best thing for you is to get marriage counseling, it could help you and your husband out in so many ways... that is of course if you would like to at least try and save the marriage? Your husband probably feels obligated to take care of his family, which doesn't mean that he necessarily enjoys it. I think he needs you to balance his life out. Like I said before, you need to seek marriage counseling, it will get all of your husbands and your own feelings out so you can work on bettering your relationship instead of just holding the feelings inside your head all the time which can be overwhelming enough for anyone to want to give up. Nowadays there are so many couples getting divorced over something that has the potential of getting fixed. You should only give up on your marriage if you can honestly say you have tried EVERYTHING.
I wish you luck
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