A
female
age
41-50,
*adani
writes:I need some serious advise if anyone can please help. This is going to be long, so please be patient. My husband and I will be married for 3 years in January. We have known each other for nearly 7 years and have a daughter who just turned 5. We were apart for 2 years and have gone through a lot in our relationship, but those things are behind us and we are here together now - married and with a family to look after.Last night I told him that I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be with him, etc. I am not sure why I did this other than anger because: I had a really hectic day yesterday, drove my mother to the aiport (a four hour drive roundtrip), met a friend for lunch on my way back, picked our daughter up and then got dinner sorted for the family and a friend of my husband's who came to dinner. I then took our daughter out to a Halloween party, gone for about two hours and absolutely knackered when we returned. I gave her a bath, put her to bed and went downstairs to find all of the dinner dishes left out. The food wasn't put away or anything, it was all left for me to do. I am sooo tired of housework being left for me to do, while he lays on the sofa and watches television or lays on the bed on the internet. It's just not fair and it makes me really grumpy.I have asked him numerous times, as nicely as possible to help out more around the house without having to be told. I asked again last night, and then it turned into him not being happy (which I get told regularly) he wants me to be more affectionate, more loving - but so often I am pissed at his indifference to the effort I make and his lack of help. We both work full time, granted he is a plumber and does physical work, while I am a designer - but it's still work and I am still out of the house 10+ hours a day. It seems to me as if I go out to work, then come home to work -it is such a treat to be able to actually sit on the sofa and watch television, even the news.It's as if when I am not at home, I am thinking about him and what we can do, what sexy lingerie I am going to wear - but when I step into the house to find him propped up on the sofa waiting on me to clean up or make dinner, it kills the fantasy. I want him to share more in the household chores. I ask and it's met with aggression or dismissed. I just want us to generally share what is done. Just be considerate and not selfish. If I am out for the evening, or sorting our daughter out, why can't he clean up the kitchen?? Just to share the work - it's not academic.I have been told that all men are like this, but I dont believe it. And if so, it's just not good enough.Now he says he has found a flat in London and is going to move. I dont see how we can discuss this without it blowing up into another argument.I am rambling on, sorry - if anything is unclear, please ask!! And thanks for any advice!!
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female
reader, Nadani +, writes (2 November 2007):
Nadani is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I re-read and I was unclear, sorry. I do want the marriage to work, but I want it to be fair. Someone said that he is treating me like his father treated his mother... His father was never there for them, so his mother did it all by herself, worked two jobs, raised two boys, cooked their dinner (although I'm sure she made them clean up and at times she had a maid/helper). But he seems to think that because he is here bringing in money and supporting financially that is what a dad does - he really has nothing to go by.
He doesn't sit on his butt every single day, if he comes home early (maybe once every two-three weeks) he will make dinner (but I get left the dishes) and in those cases he usually gets our daughter ready for bed. And sometimes when he is off on a weekend, he will do the big house clean, but he huffs and puffs as if I don't do it every other week. He is not a complete bum, more like a 85% bum.
We have been renovating (complete with floors, plastering, lighting) the house and he has done most of that work, it has taken 18 months and is still in progress but it's what he does for a living, so I can understand him not wanting to come home and do the same thing all of the time.
Also, he 'says' he found a flat in the paper, but he hasn't looked at it or spoken to anyone. And I really don't want him to go, but I am not going to grovel or beg him to stay because I want him to understand that my complaints are serious and he needs to step up.
I like the idea of a male counselor. We actually saw a counselor about two years ago, but it was a complete waste of time and money. It was a lady and my husband would go and complain how hard he worked and spend the whole hour monopolizing the conversation about himself (which he is good at) and I was really annoyed that she let him do that.
I am going to find a male counsellor today!!! And I may even let him read these posts to show that I am not crazy or irrational, it is no longer the woman's work!!
Many Thanks to you all!!
A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Oh, this sounds so familiar. A long time ago, my boyfriend at the time and I moved in together. It was the biggest mistake of my life.
His one and only job in the house was to take the garbage out. And guess what never got done. The garbage always sat out on the back porch, and then the raccoons would get into it, and guess who would have to clean it up.
When he quit his job, he didn't work for 9 months straight. He came from a wealthy family, so his dad would give him money for rent. I would work 14 hour days and come home to a wreck. All he would do is sit in the computer room and play games, and then sleep. The dishes would be piled to the ceiling, he would never have dinner prepared for me after a grueling day, and he never let the dog out, so she would have to resort to relieving herself on the floor. Her food and water dish would always be empty.
I really had to sit back and think, what if we had children? He couldn't even care for a dog, how could I count on him being able to care children properly if I wasn't home? Could I count on him to make an income if we got married? Would I be stuck working 14 hour work days 6 days a week to make ends meet, and then come home to a pig sty, mountains of his dirty laundry, and no dinner while he sat on his ass all day?
No, not all men are like this. The guy I'm with now is the complete opposite. I feel like we work together and for each other, so neither is neglected. It's the balance that you're looking for, but with your husband, it seems like you resent each other, and that's not healthy.
Once the love is gone, there's really nothing you can do. Unless you just feel that it's gone because of how bitter you are towards him. Making lists is not a good idea, because that makes you feel like his mother and he's the little boy that gets the gold star for doing his chores, and if he doesn't do his chores, he gets punished (i.e. your temper). The suggestion for a marriage councilor is a great idea, and really, make sure it is a man if you go.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
Let me tell you first, I do the cooking at home, and the washing up every night , my wife does the Saturday morning big clean ( though I take care of the bathroom including the toilet!). I am hopeless at the little bitty things (dusting and the like) and my wife hates the monotony of cooking and washing up every day, so its a good compromise.
What you have got isn't a compromise, it's your husband believing that it's the woman's job to cook and clean for him and I'm afraid it doesnt look like he is going to change does it?
Basically your husband treats you probably like his father treated his mother? A lot of us guys have moved into the 21st century but there are still a lot of blokes out there who think that its easy street when you get married as the "missus" will do all the domestics. We blokes take care of the important stuff, like maintaining the car,fixing roofs all the manly stuff right? It's bullshit .
It's hard to see where you two can go really, I mean who wants to advise someone with a child to split up because housework is not being shared, but its such and issue for you guys and, in a way its more than that, its how he values you as a person.
Good luck in whatever you decide, I can see you dont want to break up the family but nor do you want to live your life as his slave - I would never treat my wife like this and she would kick my arse out pronto if I did .
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi Nadani . I don't know if I ought to be offering advice for the relationship or the household chores. Lets try the household chores first as that may (???) be the root of the problem. There are many ways dividing / allocating the household tasks between you - here is one way:
1) Decide how many hours you both work each.
2) List out the regular chores - vacuuming/grocery shpg/cooking/mowing the lawn/car washing/ironing/rubbish bin/car journeys for daughter etc etc etc. Put an estimated time for each and frequency.
3) List out irregular chores - ad hoc car journeys/clean oven/maintain the computer/fix broken things/clean the gutters/ window cleaning/garden maintenance/decorating/take pet to vet/ etc etc etc. Put an estmated time against each and frequency.
4) Identify anything else - annual tax return/household budget/paying bills/house&family administration etc etc. Put an estimated time against each and frequency.
4) Share the tasks between you so that you both work and do household tasks for same number of hours per week or per year. Decide task allocation by preference/suitability or negotiation.
Go out for a night out together as a reward after you've done it. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Asexy  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 All men are NOT like this. If he wants you to be more "affectionate" you need to feel more cherished. No woman is able to get in the mood gladly when she's tired from working all day and then doing all the housework (especially if she resents it 'cause he's sitting on his butt). Sex under these conditions is more like one more thing on her "to do" list than a treat for her.
Do you want to save this marriage? Or are you hoping that he'll move on -- the post is unclear.
You said that you told him that you don't love him anymore, and that he has a flat and is moving. It sounds like the two of you are moving on. If this is the case, then see a lawyer and make sure he's going to keep supporting your daughter.
If you're trying to save the relationship, I recommend counseling -- a counselor will tell him the same thing I just told you about sex. Make sure you get a male counselor so that your spouse will believe him when he says it.
Let us know what your wants/hopes are.
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