A
female
age
36-40,
*aeNae
writes:My boyfriend of almost two years came out and told me recently he had a few things he needed to tell me one of them which was he went on two separate occasions with a woman he basically had as a "sex buddy" prior to our relationship. He says they basically met to have sex but he couldn't bring himself to do it. I was somewhat upset but respected the fact that he came out and told me, however i questioned who this woman was and he doesn't want to say, he says it may cause some confusion that should be left alone, i get what he is saying but i think if you are doing a confession, confess it all, so i want to know if this woman is still too close to comfort, we are actually engaged, i know he loves me dearly i do to but i want to know who this woman is.
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male
reader, Xearo +, writes (9 December 2012):
Relationships can be drama free but we are all human so everyone makes mistakes. He didn't want to tell you out of fear but it is good that you persisted although I hope you did not get out of control with it. After all, like you said, it is in the past so why worry about it now. Some topics are more sensitive to others and the same goes for you.
The most important thing is to really be appreciative that your bf can come out about his past. The second most important thing is to be forgiving as we all make mistakes. And this is how you have a long lasting relationship. I'm not saying to forgive him if he cheats on you but just as a general tool for guidance.
All the best and I am happy it has worked out.
A
female
reader, NaeNae +, writes (8 December 2012):
NaeNae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks everyone, sorry it took a few days but i had a long chat with him, i chose a time when he just got off work, alot on his mind tired and whatever else, i asked so are you ready to give the answers to my questions i previously asked, he agreed and told me her name and everything else i asked, i dont know her by the way, she is married now, i informed him she must remain in the past and he indicated he spoke with her previously and let her know where he stands in his relationship and she respects that, i basically interrogated him for quite a bit, until we went through it at great lengths, i told him how upset i was about the situation and the disturbance he caused in our drama free relationship, he apoligised again, saying he never meant to hurt me, but he only told me something almost happened with this woman because he didnt want to keep secrets as such from me since he wants to get married and all that, he sounded sincere, and really begged me to forgive tell him what he needed to do to make it right, so far it seems he is aware of the hurt he has caused and is willing to try his best to make things better, but i am however keeping a close eye.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Hi!
Female anon again. Now that everything has been cleared from reading the other posts, I can get a clearer picture. I was still responding to the original post that you made. I agree with you on that aspect. If you're going to confess, confess it all. I still believe that something is not right.
Now I'm rethinking a lot of what I said but not all. I believe that the story that he told you that she was from two years ago is BS. She is from the right here right now. I still hold firm to my original belief, he's trying to throw you off. He is only being partially honest so that you won't question HIS motives but question HERS. I know that's the reason why he won't tell you her name so you won't look her up and question her. I'm quite sure her story will be completely different. Again, I would keep my eyes open on this one because if don't seem right it ain't! Trust me I have heard plenty of BS stories and clearly this is one of them. Thx for the clarity hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (5 December 2012):
I think as this woman is still in his life and while you do trust him, it is only fair for him to say who it is so I agree with the your view on the situation
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A
female
reader, NaeNae +, writes (5 December 2012):
NaeNae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd to the anonymous reader, no confusion at all. I get your point though, but just to clarify what i said in my question was that he confessed that he met with her recently basically for the reason they would have normally met in the past, but nothing happened, but he felt bad about meeting her in the first place and decided to tell me about it in his confessions. I must have confused you somewhere, yes they were FWB prior to our relationship, but he met with her recently since we are together, thats what his confession was about so that is why it's relevant now, not the past encounters prior to our relationship. Hope i was able to clarify that.
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A
female
reader, NaeNae +, writes (5 December 2012):
NaeNae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit is difficult to state the exact conversation we had, those are my words not his, when he was speaking about it, he was basically telling me how it went, *not exact words* she said somewhere in their conversation that she knows he has someone but she does not mind.basically that is her normal behaviour and normally women who do things like that know about the woman at home and dont careI don't know the exact words of their conversation, I can't put word for word our conversation, how it is phrased here has nothing to do with present tense or past. the issue is who is this woman, i just don't want to speculate about anything based on that, but that is a very interesting point you made though lets see how it goes later.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 Heh. I love being an aunt sometimes, especially when a glaring answer comes out without it meaning to.
You, OP, just got one of your answers. You said that he said
"this woman certainly doesnt really care that he is in a relationship,cause he did mention that she knows about me and she is ok with it"
Did he use the term "She knows about you and IS okay with it"?
HAH! She *is* in his life. Not in the past, not in the memories, but RIGHT NOW. You have an ironclad right to know in this case, because if this FWB were not in his life, he would be using a PAST tense when talking about what she knew or didn't. Relationships that have died are talking about in a past tense, and relationship that are still in existence are referred in present tense.
I'm not saying that they are still sexual/FWB, but this is your proof that she's still around and still actively in his life. You have a right to know, and you should be very disturbed that he is hiding her name from you.
Do not marry him until he tells you. I'm not kidding about this. She's still in his life, and that's not a good thing, even if no relationship is happening right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Hi!I'm the female anon poster from earlier. Sorry for the confusion of my post so I will word it differently so that you can understand what it is that I'm saying. Its totally your choice what do with it.You and your boyfriend have been in a relationship for two years. One day he decided to have a confession moment. He talked about events that has happened in the past few months but also decided to add info about a FWB that he was involved in before the two of you met. Out of curiosity, you wanted a name. He refused to tell you because according to him, its better left unsaid. No need to upset and confuse you over something like this. My point was why would he bring up a FWB situation if this encounter happened before the two of you met. In my opinion, it made no sense that he would confess about recent events to you and then tell about a FWB that should be completely irrelevant at this point. This happened before your time. I felt like he was trying to throw you off. I could be wrong here, but I believe that this FWB situation is just as recent as the other incidents that he decided to confess about. I believe that he wants to keep himself in the clear just in case you hear or see something from a strange woman and he chalk it up to being that FWB he told you about earlier. His excuse would be that The FWB is just trying to contact him to get with him. He doesn't want her but she wants him. I was only suggesting to keep your eyes open on this one. It just sounded strange that he would bring something up from that long ago and entangle it with recent events. Makes sense?I don't know what the conversation was truly about, how it was worded or what the situation truly was. This is how it appeared to me and I will say trust your gut on this. Whatever it may be. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, NaeNae +, writes (5 December 2012):
NaeNae is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the female anonymous reader he didnt just decide to confess about what happen after two years, we have been together for two years what he confessed about were things that happen in recent months, with reference to this FWB.
to xearo thanks for your input, however i am not the type of person who likes confusion and he knows that quite well, my thing is this woman certainly doesnt really care that he is in a relationship,cause he did mention that she knows about me and she is ok with it and most certainly she must have checked his facebook to check out who i am and so this was something they did in the past which was normal at the time, she knows about me and still wants to go about these things as they did before so what type of woman does that say she is...
as YouWish said, she could be someone i know and i want to know the kind of person i am around, who has ulterior motives, so if she is out of his life completely and he has nothing to hide i dont see why he cannot tell me i dont want to know details of what they did and stuff, but if she still is then i know we have a problem. so since he refuses to tell me makes me start to wonder, but i will talk to him later today and ill give you guys an update
thank you guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): My question is why after two years did he all of a sudden he decided to "confess" about a past FWB? If this was a prior fling before you, what's the BFD? Something is fishy to me. I think he just told you that to throw you off if some strange female start to intervene in your life either text, email, phone call etc. I would keep my eyes open if I were you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (5 December 2012):
Do you know yourself to be a type of person who will cause confusion? If so then it is really not worth knowing who the person is. Reason is that any confusion you cause will accomplish nothing and will only worsen any hatred, and negatively affect all members.
Do you know yourself to be a type of person who will not cause confusion? The past is the past after all, and we all make mistakes or have done things which we wish he did it with our better halves. Such is life after all. There are some women who genuinely wont care and others will. But if the person I am with wants to know the name and I know my current girl to be civil then by all means I will tell her.
I am not really bringing much to the table but the answer you seek really depends on the type of people involved. Chances are that this girl is still in his life to some extent and I am sure he knows most ladies in your situation would come to think the worst when knowing WHO the questionable ex is. If it were me I would just say all and get it out there (who my ex's were) but I would never really describe the things I did with that person...seems like he did it backwards in my opinion but to each his own.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2012):
I know that opinions will differ here, but in my opinion, the issue here isn't simply who it is, but whether or not she is still in his life.
You have a right to know if this woman is too close for comfort, and the issue of "confusion" is a BS issue. If she is in his life, and she's been spending time with him, or on his Facebook, if he's texting her, or if she is a co-worker, then you have a total right to know.
If she is someone who is no longer in his life in any way, shape or form, then it's irrelevant. However, his hesitance to tell you is a red flag to me. If she's truly in his past, then in accordance with an FWB, it wouldn't matter who knew, except for one thing, and that's this:
The only other reason why I'm guessing that he's not revealing who she is is the age-old reason why many relationships exist in secret, and that's that it was an adulterous affair. Would revealing who she is cause problems with her husband?? Not only that, but if his FWB was as a result of his cheating, or his being an accomplice to HER cheating (more likely), that's a red flag in itself, and one that would erode your trust in him.
You're engaged. You should make an informed decision to marry the guy. You have a right to know if he was a cheater in the past (or an accomplice), and you definitely should know if she's still a part of his life, because she shouldn't be. A past FWB is disqualified from ever remaining in a person's orbit if they're in a relationship.
You must decide what you're going to do if he refuses to tell you. He could be worried that his FWB is a friend of yours or even a relative. He would be worried that you'd be outraged at the thought of the married woman cheating and want to tell her husband that your husband helped his wife cheat on him.
If she's no longer a part of his life in any way whatsoever, and he didn't help her cheat, then I'd say leave it. However, if he tells you that she's still in his life and/or she was married, you have complete right to know.
If he doesn't tell you, you must decide whether his evasiveness is a dealbreaker for you. For me, it would be, because it's not a jealousy issue. It's a trust issue, and I absolutely refuse to date cheaters, and I don't tolerate past lovers being allowed to maintain relationships with a guy I'm with. Too much baggage. I hold myself to the same standard...I have never cheated, and I don't associate myself with past relationships.
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