A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I want to know whether my husbands comments and attitude towards me are just 'normal' or whether they are an indiciation of a much worse temperament. It seems ridiculous of me to ask but, having put up with things for so long I feel somehow incapable of knowing for sure. Its as if I don't know how bad 'bad' is? I find myself feeling shot down in an instant by him. He seems to be in a bad mood or angry over the slightest thing and I find keeping quiet is easier otherwise we have the most terrifying arguments. I bought a milk based product from the supermarket and forgot to check the sell by date. I put it in the fridge and a couple of days later I was upstairs and my husband shouted up to me "What the hell is this?" and stood at the bottom of the stairs holding the product. I asked what he meant and he said the sell by date was out. I said I'd forgotten to check and hadn't done it on purpose and he said he was cross because I'd wasted money. This kind of thing is very typical. He is always shouting and angry at people in the car I arrive somewhere a nervous wreck. When I drive I feel so nervous I make silly mistakes which he picks up on.Sometimes his comments make me 'see red' and I just can't take any more. The thing that has recently made me confront this and write to this site is that I have been suffering with terrible back pains at night which wake me and the physio said my muscles are in spasm. He asked me if I find it hard to relax. I replied yes straight away but afterwards I realised why I am so tense all the time and that its now having an effect on me physically. I have been married 14 years, I have no sex life because I don't feel at all inclined to do it. We have no children and I feel that I cannot get through another year like this but don't know what to do as my confidence is so low and I feel trapped. Am I making too much of it all?
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male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (1 January 2008):
No your not making too much of it. Is it normal, it is normal treatment if your a slave. While i feel many people do this (ive complained about wasting money on old milk before), it is never this extreme. It sounds like he brings more misery than happiness. You dont sound free, i know the feeling and its horrible. I avoid the person who makes me feel like that (its not a girlfriend or wife so i have the luxury of avoiding them). If he makes your life unhappy (which is the opposite of what he is supposed to make you feel) then you should leavem him.
Low confidence, what you need is a man who thinks the world of you, there are many potential candidates out there. Not that i'm saying you should go for them yet, but you should feel that your worth something and that you deserve to be treated right. Get to talking with other guys.
Disclaimer: The confidence advice only applies if you want out of your marriage. If you are looking to improve the situation you have now, that would require an effort from your husband. Does he love you enough make an effort, does he want you to be happy, does he feel your worth anything. If so then ask him to stop what he is doing. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Oh dear, you have married an emotional abuser. It is the same as being married to someone who beats you, except they use emotional anger and control to get what they want.
Start by reading the Refuge website and look up all you can about emotional abuse. There is no choice but to get out, a normal person could see this but he has been brainwashing you into staying out of fear. The abused person starts to doubt their own sanity and judgement, which sounds like you.
I escaped a marriage like this so I know, then I had to face a year of being stalked by him. Do be careful and make careful plans. Make sure you have your passport, marriage certificate and birth certificate before you leave. Guard your bank account and credit cards against him taking revenge. You will find it hard when he starts to beg you, but if you go back he will probably beat you and it will be even harder to leave. Go where he can not find you and get some counselling. The clouds will part and you will see sunshine again so long as you never go back. The very best of luck from someone who knows.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): not at all- your marriage is bad in both areas, physical and emotionally. you need to attempt to stop with the put downs from him and if that does not help,talk to him about it and say it is effecting your health. if this does not help a divorce is needed. you are still young and you will find a nice man, act quickly before time catches up on you . Bully- intimidating or frigtening those weaker then yourself. this is what he is doing to you, acting like a bully not a loving husband.
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