A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HI,I left my wife of 18 yrs 11 months ago,we have two teenage daughter of 16 and 17 who are extremely close,the marriage was good,but not a loving one,with hobbies and pets being the major factor of our splitI have met a fantastic lady,who i love and who is extremely caring,sharing and loving to me,something my wife never was,The only issue i have ,is that she lives a short flight away from me,and the fact she has 3 children of her own,2 teenage sons and a young daughter of 6,although i get on very well with 2 of them,the oldest is quite shy and within himself,and doesnt make any effort at all with me i feel i have built a brick wall ,as i have massive guilt about leaving my own 2 daughters,and if i were to live with my new lady eventualy,it would mean leaving the country where my daughters are i feel i cant be the person i really am with my partners children as i think to myself ,'i should be doing that with my own children' can any one,wh has has or has had the same experineces please give some advice,as i do not want to lose this lady,but more importantly i want to keep the love of my children as they are the most important people in my whole life and will allways be many thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I'd have a heart to heart with your new lady and explain all this. See if she's understanding and willing to keep things as they are for the medium term. Explain you want a long term shared future - retire together etc - but right now both sets of kids come first. Your daughters are almost grown. Sticking around for another 3 years while they adjust to your split fully, finish school, become adults, develop an adult relationship with you, will be the critical time to cement your closeness where ever you are.
I live across the Atlantic from my parents and we remain close, but we had a good adult relationship before this move.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): You have to make the right decision by yourself and that means not abandoning your children. Which I know is not your intention but you will have to decide whether this relationship with your new woman is worth putting your kids on the back burner for. You will have to move to make it work with her LDR's don't last long logistically but the same applies to your children. I don't think you could even stomach the idea of drifting away from your kids or only ever having them in your life online or over the phone.
It's improbable she will be able uproot her family to move closer to yours and you just know you can't leave your kids to build the relationships with her kids that you'd rather have with your own.
I think you answered your own question and I think you know where this is headed. You can be happy with another woman but you can't be happy without your kids. The choice is pretty clear and it's a bitch but that's the situation you find yourself in. I wish you the best, you're going to be heartbroken one way or the other because I think you already know there is no real possible chance of compromise here as much as you wish there were.
You will eventually have to make the choice between her and her kids or your kids, in which case I don't doubt for a second which choice you'll make.
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A
female
reader, WhateverMovesThee  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 It will be very hard to keep your lady and your children. Moving to another country means contact through phone and email and I'll let you from experience that communicating like that with my father for three years was terrible. I couldn't hug him every time I wanted, couldn't go to concerts we both enjoyed, and when I suffered an adolescent broken heart, he wasn't there to hug me and tell me the guy was dirt and didn't deserve me. You may think, ok they're young women, they won't need me as much. Not true. Especially if you're close. Some part of them will see your leaving with this woman and her kids as abandonment. Can't you make a sort of compromise with your lady? Why will there eventually be this big move?
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