A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, last August me and my mum had a really big argument and I moved in with my dad. I won't go into all the details of the argument but I will briefly describe it. I didn't have a job and got her a cheap box of chocolates for her anniversary. I had just come home from my gran's one night and she was drunk and saying 'you've really hurt me' because of the cheap present. I went to bed, then she came in my room and threw the box of chocolates at me. Later in the night she came in my room(while I was trying to sleep) This made me angry (it was now 1am) and i started screaming at her. She then hit me and I hit her and we had a fight. My sister also joined in and gave her a black eye with the door.I then rang my dad to pick me up and me and my sister went.The next day we came home. My mum did not remember the fight but assumed I had given her the black eye. My sis admitted it was her and she was allowed to come back home, but i was not. For 2 weeks my mum kept texting me saying I should apologise and other nasty things. She told my sister i'm not her daughter anymore. After 2 weeks i got my exam results and she asked if we wanted to go for a meal, so we did but we mentond nothing about the argument. I continued living with my dad and eventually (about a month and half later) she apologised but said it was also my fault. For months after i kept mentioning it sarcasticly. Although we go out places I am still angry with her. I want to move on and enjoy living with my dad but almost every time I'm on my own I cry. My dad works in the mornings so I'm on my own and crying as I get ready. Once I cried so much it took me 1 hour to get dressed! I have to plan my week out so that i'm busy all the time. Me and my dad don't have a very good relationship either. I find it very difficult to spend time with him as we both have different interests. I'm really grateful that he's letting me live with him but he won't let me have a pet (a hamster) which i think would really help me emotionally. I don't think he understands how sad i feel. So my questions are how can i have a better relationship with my parents, move on from the fight me and my mum had and feel better emotionally? Do you think I have depression and should I go to doctors? Is it normal to have to be busy all the time?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Hello, I am the poster of this question.
Just answering a few questions.
I am 18 years old and when the argument happened I had just left college so my mum was still getting child benefit. I did try to help out in the house- I was the only one who walked the dogs and I sometimes cooked meals for the family.
I have a job now but can't afford a flat of my own. However I do pay board and will be able to afford to own a hamster.
This is not the first time my mum has been angry at me in this way.
We have argued when she is drunk a few times before.
Thanks for answering!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): HiYes you sound down and with good reason....you have provided a little detail and if i read between the lines it seems like you have had a rough time now and in the past with mum maybe....possibly drink related?????You may feel better if you can express all your feelings to a therapist.Mum should not blame you and make you feel bad please understand alcohol can do this and often blame is always put onto nearest loved ones. Your gift chocolates (cheap or expensive) are not really what is wrong with her....so take no notice of this.We don't really know how old you are? are you old enough to go to college and start to live in student accommodations while you study..this could be good fun and takes you away from family conflict ....which you should not be around.Are you old enough to start working and pay for a small flat or flat share? then you become independent.You are crying alot so please go to your doctor and explain how you feel....A good way to keep busy and take your mind off things...is to dance, paint , listen to music, write poetry.....it's a sort of personal therapy that you can do yourself.....whenever you feel angry ....paint and express your feelings, or dance away your tears.Good luck and I send you lots of rainbows, :)Spunky monkey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): It sounds like your mother has some monumental grudge against you. Perhaps you remind her of your father? Maybe she's jealous because you are doing well in school? Whatever the issue is between you guys, I think it is mostly hers. It just seems like she's picked you in particular to vent on... perhaps because your sarcasm made her feel vulnerable (she probably is embarassed or ashamed of herself beneath all the self righteousness), so she won't be happy until she sees you vulnerable as well. She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. I have an older sister with the same tendencies and sometimes she has been emotionally abusive and totally unreasonable. She gets a lot worse when she drinks too.Most people who suffer emotional abuse tend to blame themselves. You sound like you are smart enough to distinguish between your problems and hers. I think you made the right decision to move in with your dad. I'm sorry your going through this. I can't say it will get better, dysfunctional families can sometimes drag these issues out. But as you get older and establish yourself as an adult, you don't have take after her. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I think you should try to see a counselor. This is too much for someone to handle on their own, it's understandable that your coping mechanism is to keep busy all the time and you get anxiety from not having anything to do to keep you from thinking about everything. A psychiatrist at the very least will talk with you about these terrible events, but might give you medication to help stablize you and get you through this difficult time. He should also help you with better ways of dealing with your stress.
Right now, I'd just focus on yourself. Your mental health comes first. Trying to have a relationship with your mother at this point I think is just going to keep you in a bad place. Write back and update us.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Yes it sounds like you may have depression therefore I would advice going to your doctor and maybe putting your name forward to speak to a therapist, because you hold a lot of anger and hurt in your heart and you need to talk to someone who will help you let go of these feelings and move forward with your life.
It is very unfair the way your mother has treated you, as she cant remember it I am guessing that she was highly intoxicated therefore she should really think about coming off the alcohol if it is giving her memory loss, she is to blame here for a lot of it, at least you got her a present and it is the thought that counts, but am guessing your mother might have some issues of her own to deal with at the moment therefore I think you should speak to your therapist first about everything in full and they can give you some advice on how to advance.
As far as your father is concerned ok so you both dont have much in common but Im sure there is something you can both do that you would both enjoy. As for the hamster well it is his house therefore I guess his rules need to be respected, but if you sit down with him and tell him what it would mean to you and explain to him that you would look after it by yourself and keep it in your room, however you would need to buy food and a home for a hamster and keep it which costs money, if you are not working how would you afford to run it?
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (30 January 2011):
Hi OP
Firstly I am sorry to hear that you are so upset so often, and that thing are not working with you parents at the moment.
I would just like to know a couple more things. When your mum reacted as she did, is it the first time she has behaved like this? Is this the first time she has got angry with you in this way?
Secondly, how did the two of you get on before this argument? Did you get on well?
Lastly, I note your age, and you say you don't have a job at the moment. Do you pull your weight around the house and help out in other ways?
Please can you give us a bit more background. From reading your post at the moment, it seems as though your mum certainly did overreact, also saying some cruel things. But I wonder whether there is more background here which has made her react in the way she did. Please don't think that is intended as criticism at all, I'm just wondering about things.
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