A
male
age
41-50,
*ontemps2011
writes:Want to try and keep this as short as I can, so will gloss over some of the details.A few months ago my boyfriend came out for drinks for a friend's engagement and at the end of the evening he was chatting to one of her friends and she said something racist to him. He reacted very angrily and fuelled by lots of booze it became a bit of a shouting frenzy and we all left. That doesn't really convey just how awful it felt at the time - truly one of the worst moments of my life.I didn't hear what was said and neither did my friend and I have to admit that at the time I wasn't sure if it had just been something blown out of proportion because we were all a bit drunk. My boyfriend would not talk to me about it on the night and was very angry even the next day, but eventually he told me what was said and I understood his reaction, even though he said he did regret how much it had got out of hand.My friend (one of my best) has pretty much sided with the girl because she doesn't believe she would say something like that and at most will admit it could have been a misunderstanding. The girl involved says she did nothing at all and it was completely unprovoked. I haven't been able to speak to my boyfriend about it since the day after as he was so sensitive about it and I'm hesitant to bring it up again. Also I don't want him to know it's been bothering me all this time as it was so long ago and I'm sure he thinks we're over it.Trouble is I can't seem to move on from it - it makes me feel a bit distanced from my best friend, because it upsets me that she can't see it from my boyfriend's side, or mine for that matter. Also I have to go to the wedding this year and will see this girl there (if not before) and I feel very awkward about it. It also means I can't bring my boyfriend to the wedding and am nervous about running into this girl at other social occasions, so want to distance myself to reduce the risk of that happening.I'm not really sure what I'm asking for - maybe some words to feel better about the situation? Or advice on whether you think I should bring it up with my boyfriend again, and how? I would like to know if he could cope with being in this girl's prescence again I suppose, though a part of me also thinks why should I put him in that place. Really appreciate you listening anyway, it's helped to write this down.
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reader, bontemps2011 +, writes (2 February 2011):
bontemps2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I just want to say thank you for all your responses. They really have helped.
Aunt Honesty - agreed, I need to let this go. I do think it will be too uncomfortable (for him) to take my boyfriend to the wedding - plus there's potential for another argument to start - but I will probably still go and face it. If in the future there is an occasion where he might meet this girl again, I will talk to him about how he feels about that.
Natasia - you've hit the nail on the head about how I'm feeling and I think you're right about not talking to him about it at the moment. I do think my best friend will continue to be in my life, but it has opened my eyes and maybe changed the boundaries a bit. I have thought about not going to the wedding at all and it's that far off (October) that I don't need to make a decision yet, but do feel like I should be there. I should point out it is my best friend's cousin who is getting married, though I am also friends with her in her own right (felt it would be too complicated to go into all that in the first message!)
Anonymous - I think the problem was on the night emotions were running so high and no-one was thinking clearly. I haven't been with my boyfriend long (just over a year) but I know he's not a big talker and he internalises a lot, so it wasn't a big shock to me that he didn't want to talk about it right away. That wouldn't have been how I'd have handled it, but then I am a talker. Also I think until he calmed down he had it in his head that I wasn't even on his side - and to be honest, maybe I wasn't completely at first, which is something I've had to think about and come to terms with. I hope something like that never happens again, but if it did I think I would deal with it very differently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): HiI get a different thought here...I think something was said...but could it be something completley different???? Could there be a secret???I don't think either are being totally honest with you.You say he never told you what was said on the night until the next day!!!!! That is odd to me....did he need time to think of something to say? Sorry, I just feel different about this one...I would be very open eyed and eared before you make any wrong moves. I would immediately explain what had happened and been said if it were me in that situation and I am sure others would here it as well....especially to my partner...waiting until the next day does not ring true, especially as it caused so much friction.wish you well.spunky monkey.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I think that sometimes things happen - people say/do things - especially people who aren't that close, but may be close to someone close to you (eg, your best friend - this girl was a friend of hers) ... and it is so bad that you do have to make a stand, and you do have to change your life/social circle because of it.
I wouldn't have said that a few years ago, but that is because nobody had ever done anything like that to me. There are certain things that you can't put up with, and there are also certain things that decent people would not say or do.
My feeling is:
The girl obviously said something to your boyfriend, because although drunk, he wouldn't have reacted like that. Even if she is sure she didn't say anything, she SHOULD have seen him the day after or any time after the event, or even just written him a note or something, to say that she hadn't meant to offend him.
But she hasn't and won't, because she has denied everything - because if she had admitted it, people (her friends) might have rejected her, or not liked her for what she had said to your boyfriend. So, she denied it all - and in doing that, she got some people, who felt they couldn't make a judgement (eg, your best friend) kind of on her side.
On her side means not on your side. This is what is bothering you. This is what is upsetting. In an ideal world, you need your best friend to back you up totally. If YOU believe someone said something bad to your boyfriend, then your best friend should believe you, and stand on your side. But she isn't doing this. She is hovering, and that is as good as being on the other side. And everyone is just carrying on as if nothing ever happened, but poor you feel like things are crumbling around you. Your best friend isn't quite who you thought she was, as she isn't totally loyal - you can't depend on her. And any other friends in your circle who aren't refusing to have anything to do with the racist girls are also not being on your side. And there is just you making a stand and being on your boyfriend's side. And even he doesn't know how this is upsetting you so much.
What I suggest:
- Don't talk to him about it. It was, for him, a very unsavoury, unpleasant, demeaning incident - even if he over-reacted - and I don't know what she said, but to be fair, there isn't really such a thing as over-reacting if someone is being rude about your race. I have a partner from another culture and some of them think it is totally ok to criticise pretty much everything about our lifestyle in the Uk, and it makes me want to strangle them on the spot, I have to say. Really hard to take that kind of unfair, unfounded, basically stupid criticism without getting mad. So don't make it worse for him - let it lie.
- I probably would not go to the wedding. I would make an excuse not to go. I wouldn't make him see this girl again, nor the people who, by saying they think she might have done nothing, are really saying she is their friend and he isn't, and she is more important to them.
And I think you should look outwards, and look for new friends. Really. You and your boyf have done nothing wrong, but you were in a clique, and you are now a bit out of it, because you are with your boyf rather than with them. So what. You don't need a clique like that. Really, I think it is time to open yourself to making new friends. And stuff the wedding - do you really want to go there all stressed, and there will be alcohol again, and who knows that there won't be another fight? Leave it, leave them, don't put yourself through it, or your boyfriend.
Sometimes our friends turn out not to be as good or as worthy of being our friends as we thought. Unfortunate fact of life. And no point crying over it. Move on and feel happy that you have done the right thing, been a great support to the person closest to you (your man), and that you can take it or leave it re: those friends.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Ok all you need to do is let this go. Although racist remarks should never be tollerated ever I think what is anoying you most is the fact that your best friend doesnt believe you, it sounds to me like this is the part that is getting to you. But she shouldnt be involved anyway, it was some drunk argument between your boyfriend and this girl and it should be left just at that, dont take it out on your best friend just because she has an opinon different to yours. You just need to accept that it has happened and move on like your boyfriend has, dont make a big deal out of it.
As for the wedding i dont see why you shouldnt take your boyfriend if he is invited, am sure that this girl has forgotten about the argument just as your boyfriend has, and even if she hasnt it shouldnt mean that your boyfriend should miss out, am sure you can all act like adults in this situation. So talk to your boyfriend tell him that this girl will be at the wedding and ask him how he feels about that, its as simple as that.
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