A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,First off, I've been married 20 years. For the most part its been a good relationship. However, there's been issues of him isolating me from my friends throughout the whole marriage. If I do go out which is probably 15 times in 20 years there's a huge conflict, then he sulks. Or goes out with his buddies to get hammered. I don't drink so its not about me going out to drink. Its about me having some breathing space. He makes comments I have a cell phone that I'm apparently on it all day ( not even close) I do use it for research, or texting with my gf, as I never really see her. Its my way of keeping in touch as I live out of town. My house is very clean, but doesn't meet his expectations. He will reclean it to show me how its done. I've expressed I'm not a perfectionist and I can't or won't clean the way he desires me to. He critisizes my driving. I've driven since I was 17,either I drive too slow, too fast, didn't put my signal on at the appropriate time. Rarely gives me compliments. I will get my hair done, I will have to ask him, "does it look good"? He will say "ya its ok". He will say he's "more intelligent" than I. Meanwhile I wrote a pre entrance nursing exam and scored a 95%. I was excited, and completed my course. I continued to be an A/B student. He didn't say much. Its like there's no support. To give an example recently we had an unexpected blizzard. We live out of town I needed to pay our mortage and it got so bad that the visibility was nil. I called and said I can't drive back. He became mean and hung up on me. I called my gf spent the night with her in the city, and had a wonderful time catching up. The next day I dreaded the drive home. When I arrived it was to be expected that he would sulk. Didn't talk to me for hours. Then he began drinking, started pointing his finger in my face calling me bad names. I asked calmly for him to quit, and we would discuss this when he is sober. He then took off to his buddies to drink. Came home at 2am. I slept on the sofa. When he drinks its excessively. I've asked him to quit. He feels there's no problem and I've caused him to drink. I've expressed you are responsible for your own actions, not me. I have left a couple of times but he has made me feel guilty to return. He refused to work, drank daily, and I had to pay our bills even though I wasn't living there. He almost lost his job so I returned in hopes he would quit this toxic behavior. I'm at the point where I'm tired of him behaving like a teenager. Or scolding me for like I'm being a "bad kid". I'm a grown woman and quite capable of making my own decisions. Is it time to leave?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Only you can decide if it is time to leave or not. It certainly sounds like he has control issues and has to constantly one up you. I am not sure the extent of his drinking problems, but if he is an alcoholic, that can further exacerbate his relationship with you. If he is an alcoholic you may want to check out Al-Anon and look into ways to get him into recovery.In addition, I think it's time for you to take stock of your relationship. Is there some good to it? Do you have a family together? What will it cost you financially to move on with your life? Do you have the strength to go forward with actually splitting up?I think it would be helpful for you to see a marriage counselor -- even on your own to sort through your issues. They may be able to give you ways to cope with his behavior. Who knows, when he realizes that you are serious about potentially leaving, he may want to see a counselor with you. For reading you may want to look at Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage"Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Your husband sounds like a complete control freak and to be honest i think you have put up with his behaviour for long enough.
You need to at least move out for a while and see how you feel because this isn't a healthy marriage to be in.
Do not let him black mail you into coming back because as soon as you do he'll know he's still got you as his door mat.
You deserve better and if he isn't willing to change i suggest you look into divorce proceedings.
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A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I think it is definitely time to leave. And don't go back to him this time. There is obviously no passion, no romance, he doesn't seem to want to listen or understand, there is no trust from him, he sounds mentally abusive, controlling and childish. You get no generosity, respect or affection and you two certainly don't communicate well with one another. I think you should leave and let him sulk. Maybe it will change him for the better someday. xoxoxox
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