A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a 34yr old guy dating a 31 yr old lady. I'm not all that experienced however I have been around the block. The girl I am seeing is all that I've ever wanted and more and couldn't be happier but this is not so when were in bed. She is not experienced at all and is not familiar with her own body. I have tried for the past 10 months to do as much as possible to pleasure her but her feed back is fustrating me. She has never had an orgasm and won't let me give her one. Just where she gets to the point of climaxing she pulls away and won't let me finish the job, all i want to do is open her mind up to the experience but she won't let me, i've tried all and every method I can but she just says she does not know why she does what she does. On top of all this our love making is very regimental and I get almost no feed back as to what makes her feel good, it feels like she is totally disinterested but then she gets upset and emotional when it does not work. I've tried to talk to her but she says she can't explain it as she herself does not understand whats wrong. On the issue of intimacy I feel that I am doing my best to satisfy her and would spend all our time in bed trying to give her pleasure, but this is not recipricated at all, when she rarely tries to give me a hand job she does not seem to know what she is at and on 2 ocaasions she has fallen asleep. She is unwilling to give me oral and won't even try yet I give her oral stimulation when ever I can.Its getting to the stage I'm totally fustrated and its affecting our relationship which has everything else and both of us has said this, I'm at my wits end thinking this is the begining of the end and all I want is to grow old with this person but our sex life isn't right, can anyone please give me advice how I could improve things to get her to open up sexually?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks very much for your toughts, there very much appreciated. We have spoken about her hang ups at great lenght over the past few days and it seems she is just an extremly innocent person. She has admitted that she had become 'lazy' with her attention towards me and already I can see the difference. Thanks again and I'll eep you posted.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Hi, I hate to do this to you but I remembered a thread that I answered a little while back that may help you think about some of the issues she may be facing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-some-major-issues-with-our-sex.html
It sounded very similar to me, with the refusal to allow herself to enjoy sex, no deviation from a standard script and the refusal to even think about oral sex.
So somewhere along the line, she has decided that sex is not okay, and so not okay that she can't even discuss it. This woman has a deep-seated issue and if you have any hope of a satisfying long-term relationship with her, you are going to need to figure out what it is. Now it goes without saying that you have to do this very sensitively, but from what you've written, you sound like a decent, caring guy. So do you have any clues from her past? Is it possible she is a victim of sexual assault or abuse? Was she raised in a very conservative family where sex was considered 'dirty'? Is she self-conscious about her body, does she have a disability, has she been to the doctor recently?
Sorry for all the questions, and for that homework assignment for you (read the link I provided) but I think there's more going on here and it'll take some patience and time to figure out the best course for you to take.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): When it comes to sex it sounds like she is lazy, uncaring and selfish. That is a bit harsh but from what you've said that is how she sounds.
If she doesn't know what is wrong then she should FIND OUT. Getting upset and saying I don't know is just a mask for I can't be bothered or can't face up to what the problem might be.
You should tell her that avoiding the issue won't make it go away. You may just have to talk to her quite bluntly. If you be all nice about it she will probably think everything is fine and nothing will ever change.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 Hmmmm ... I think she already gave you the "key" to her sexual issue, i.e that she does not understand why she does that. It sounds like she has a "mental block" on sexual pleasures. If you have already identified her ability to feel the pleasures, but immediately "withdrew" just before climaxing, perhaps the problem is not physical/clinical but more psychological.
I think many would advise her to receive professional help, like a psychologist or psycho-analyst, to help her identify what it is that kept her from enjoying herself. Fear of the ultimate intimacy? Cultural taboo? Mis-information (as a child)? Abuse? Did she see something as a child that she did not understand, or that as a child her "mis-interpretation" (of what she saw/heard) was never communicated/discussed with a trusted adult?
Professional help may cost her quite a bit, but may be the best alternative than you and her getting into a great big fight (involving a shouting match only, that is) where due to highly charged "energy" level she may just "exploded" and kept everything that has been all bottled up all that time finally came out. However, since neither of you are trained to do this sort of thing, both may end up with hurt feelings and irreversible damage to your hearts :-(
Another option is for you both to try discovering the root cause yourselves, by lets say, trying to remember what bad experiences and fears she had as a child. If you are best friends as well as lovers, your relationship may suffer when going through this process of self-analysis yourselves. Even best friends have been known to have a fall out when one tries to "analyse" or "give a frank opinion", so you can imagine that could happen also in a relationship. At least with a professional analyst, you know it is their job to ask questions and bring all kinds of emotions to get to the bottom of things.
Her admitting her frustrations and her admission not knowing what was wrong, is a good frist step I would say. The next step would be to choose one of the options above (i.e. professional help, lovers' big fight, or self-analysis). All have their advantages and disadvantages (money, time, friendship).
I have a friend who discovered that she had to take all kinds of medical treatment and medication in order to have higher libido and less pain. After two years, she and her husband decided that the long term medical side-effects were not good for her, so they finally decided that they would rather grow and healthy old together than one of them growing old and healthy and the other one not with a good prognosis due to all the treatment/long-term medication that she would have had to take. She said it was a tough decision to make for both of them. It may not have worked with every couple in that situation.
Good luck! I hope you and your girl friend will soon find a positve solution to your problem.
Cat
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