A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All.I could really do with other people's advise on this. I suffer extreme depression and anxiety. This has got progressively worse over the last 10 years. It got so bad 3 years ago i had to leave my job and i have not been able to work ever since. Being a recluse i have also become extremely paranoid and suffer agoraphobia. I rarley leave the house. I am living off the state as i am too scared to leave the house to get work. I am planning to try and sort my life out over the next six months as i cannot bear it anymore. However, i have been in a relationship with the same girl for over 7 years. She is aware of my condition but, even though i explain as in depth as i can, she doesn't get it that well (people who aren't mentally ill find it hard to understand). Living off the state, i have very little spare money, she however has recently got a well paid job. Unfortunately, her job takes her all over the country, and i only get to see her for a week or so every three weeks. She also lives with her parents and only comes to stay for a few days when she has time off. I am very well aware that she must think less of me, especially as she is doing so well, and my life is the opposite. I phone her every day, she very rarely phones me ( unless i specifically asked her to). When i do phone i try to ring at a time i think would suit her, but it rarley does. I usually get the impression she has better things to do than talk to me, such as talk to one of her work mates, which she does occasionally even when we're talking! Since she got her job, she has become a different person in many ways. She used to be the most caring, loving, kind, romantic and perfect girl i could have wished for, but now she is bitchy, has little time for anyone - especially me. She is very quick to put someone down (especially me - and when i point it out to her that when she constantly puts me down it hurts like hell, she gets annoyed at me and thinks i'm having a go at her!) Everything i do , she turns it 180 and has a go at me. It all blew up a few months ago, and basically i asked her if she still loved me and she said "i don't know."After we settled down, she took it back and said that she does love me, but maybe not as much as she used to - well i know for a fact it's definiteley no way near as much!I feel i am losing her. I am determined to get my life together if for no other reason than for her to see i'm not a complete waste of space! But i feel it's gonna be too late!I can't lose her as i can't get another girl! On top of the reasons stated another reason i can't get another girl - and a HUGE reason i feel so worthless and have no self esteem is i have a 100% severe penile deficiency problem, so bad that we can't have sex! I have seen doctors and there is very little they can do - it might heal naturally but no guarantee!I am terrified that i will lose her. I love her soo much it would destroy me. But if (and i realistically think "when it" does happen and she ends it with me, i won't be able to appease my devasation by getting another girlfriend!(Luckily for me she has a very low sex drive) I have told some friends about my problem and have seen a specialist in the past, but i am in the worst state of my life, and believe me it hasn't been pretty! Can you please give me advise on how i can somehow get her to love me the way she used to! I know coming across as needy is a complete turn-off and i try my best not to appear that way - but inside every time she puts me down or insults me (not in a nasty way, just very thoughtless) i feel more and more numb. Thanks for reading. I expect some negative replies but if for only one helpful one i will be most grateful.
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money, puts me down, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you first replier, i will give yoga a try i have ordered a book on it today. And Miss Oz, i have taken on board your comments but i right now, i can't entertain the idea of breaking up with her, but, i will try and make the reason for getting better not just to make her happy but for myself and if during the course, it transpires i am not going to get the love from her i so desperately need, then , hopefully by then i might not "need" it so much and losing her won't be as tough.
thank you both very much.
A
female
reader, Miss_Oz +, writes (29 June 2007):
 Firstly, let me say that I suffer the same as you (agorophobia, anxiety and depression) and I agree that people with good mental health simply don't (and can't) understand as well as they say or try to. I think it's admirable you want so much to give your life a boost and make things better for yourself, although you are maybe not doing it for the right reason. This is something you should do for yourself, not to prove something to someone else. Setting this goal, you may find it harder to achieve when you have a fear of failure in the other person's eyes. I think this woman and all her little insults and ignorant behaviour (talking to others while on the phone to you etc) is not a healthy relationship partner for you. I understand you must feel now like you could never get another girl interested in you, especially with your medical deficiency but if you manage to get out there and start really living your life, perhaps even taking on a small part-time job, there's every chance you might meet someone else. Someone who appreciates you more and who cares about you enough not to be bothered by your inability for intercourse; you'll find that most women would happily forego sex to lie in the arms of a person who cares about them, can share witty conversation with and whom they love. I'm sure you love this woman but if she has let her fast-paced, busy life that doesn't match yours dull her love for you, I think perhaps it's time you thought about breaking away. She may be your one link with the world you want to reacquaint yourself with but I really think that without the worry of what she's going to think of you and having to try to impress her, you could do much better in your goal to get back on track. Take care and I wish you the best of luck for the future. Message me if you want to talk further.
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