A
female
age
36-40,
*ubbly001
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years now. We have lived together for 2 years. I want to get married and I am getting anxious. Every time we have talked about it, he always says he isn't ready to get married. I'm only 22 and he's 23, but I feel like it's time for a commitment. I'm ready for marriage and to start a family. All of our friends are either engaged or married and have children. Both of our families constantly make comments about us getting married or even engaged. I'm not asking to get married tomorrow, but I think an engagement would be good. It's constantly on my mind and I don't know what to do. I don't think an ultimatium is a good idea. I don't want to force him to marry me if that's not what he wants. I want us both to be happy and if we want different things, then it may be best to go our seperate ways. I'm not sure how I should approach him about all of this without it seeming like I'm attacking him and threatening him. It's just frustrating that we have been together longer than all of our friends, and we are the last to take this step. I feel like maybe something is wrong with me. I feel like maybe I'm not good enough to be his wife. I know he loves me, I just don't know why he won't propose! What should I do??? Do I leave him if he's not even close to taking this next step?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Tell him you want to get married and am giving him the right of first refusal. if he passes, move on! This is serious, and you need to decide how many years (more) you're likely to wait, grow frustrated and finally leave him.
You can not wait forever!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Oh do not rush him! he is only 22 years old and you 23. Like another poster said, most of these couples marrying under age 25 do not last. Look at the stastics online.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2011):
No disrespect, but you sound more like you want to marry just because your friends are, and not because you or your boyfriend do. You should only be thinking about you and your boyfriend, you should not be influence by others.
Even though you've been together for 5 years, you are still both young - and those who get married too young in haste/frustration/desperation stand a bigger chance of divorce further on in life. You only have to read this site to see that.
You are 22, he 23. That's young. And your boyfriend recognizes that it's young, and has made it clear he's not ready. I'd be worried if you were between 25-30 and he will still holding off.
You can afford to wait. You shouldn't be desperate to marry or worried about marriage just because others are getting married. What you're looking for here is long term commitment (which you have), not just a piece of paper that says you're married only to wind up divorced aged 35 because you married in haste.
Just slow down, and give him time. When he's 25 onwards, and still not ready, that's the time to think whether he's offering you what you want.
But do not think for a moment that just because your friends are getting married, you need to. In today's world, half of those couples you know will be divorced. You do not want to be like that.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Whats the rush?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Maybe just put it to him directly. What are his reasons for not being ready? Maybe some time apart would help him to decide whether he will take this step or not.
You can't force someone to marry you, but you do have a right to ask if he ever plans to. You have a right to know now so you don't stay in limbo forever. 5 years is already a long time to have devoted and he should realize that.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (16 January 2011):
You have so much time just be patient. He is not ready at all and there is nothing wrong with that. He is smart and you should be proud he is smart enough not to rush. Be thankful because if he does propose in the future you can be sure it is out of a deep love for you. You may have been together for five years but you are young and were even younger at the begining of the relationship people grow and change. It is better to take that step after establishing good careers etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): It sounds like you want to get married more for reassurance and not particularly because you feel you want to spend your life with this guy. In my opinion, that's not the right reason to get married.But then again, I have never really wanted to marry anyone yet... I don't know what that feels like and so I'm probably biased. Please don't go for engagement as some sort of compromise. This is also probably very biased, but I have very cynical thoughts about engagment in general. To me it is absurd to promise someone that you will promise something later. It makes no sense to me. In my opinion, engagement is a formality that is heavily marketed to reassure and pacify people who have high ambitions or ambivalence about marriage. It also seems like an excuse for jewelers to sell two rings instead of one. It is like celebrating a half birthday...And you also place the burden of the issue on your boyfriend, perhaps because of social conventions you think marriage is something that should "happen to you" and that he must propose. If you are in fact positive this is the man you want to marry him, why don't you propose? It is a question women are permitted to ask nowdays.
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