A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i am in a very pathetic situation. i loved a married man for 2 years. he was so nice to me. he showed a lot of love. i knew it was bad to love a married guy who' s 20 years older than me. yet, i loved as i got expected love from him. at last i confronted some money problems . then only i saw his real face. he denied to help and humiliated me too like anything. he deserted me heartlessly. he never wanted to divorce his wife for me as well,but still begs for my love. i want to forget this cheat. i need advice.PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Hi. As well as looking after yourself, to boost your ego on a regular basis:-
(1) You need to feel good about yourself and love yourself.
(2) Each time you leave the house to go somewhere, keep up your appearance by wearing nice fitting, flattering clothes, hair done nicely, a little makeup and maybe a little perfume.
When you know you look good, you feel like a million bucks. You'd be surprised how much.
(3) Tell yourself every day - and believe it - "Well, it's HIS loss, not mine."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Dorothy :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 July 2011):
Hello again. It is always hard to forget someone who you once loved - married or otherwise.
It's possible that the relationship meant more to you than it did for him.
Keeping in mind, that as nice a person as he was with good qualities as you have said, unfortunately the bottom line here is - he cheated on his wife!
Just say you had been his wife, and him with all these good qualities, you would have hated to even think of the possibility that he might be cheating on you. It would be devastating!
Sometimes in these situations it can be helpful by putting yourself in the other person's - his wife's - shoes.
Imagine how you would feel if you found out that your husband had been cheating on you. You'd start to lose a lot of trust in him, plus you'd be full of doubts each time he had to go out somewhere. You'd be wondering who he was with and where he was. You'd also be wondering if he was telling you the truth when he said where he was going.
It's not a nice place to be. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
Unfortunately all that you can do now, is to promise to yourself that in future you won't ever get involved with a married man again.
Stick with dating only single unattached men with no emotional baggage.
Some warning signs to look out for in working out if a new man is married - assuming you don't know this to start with - are a man who:-
(1) After going out on a date with you, he can't stay over. (This is of course once you are actually sleeping together after the initial 2-4 weeks or so - if you are sleeping together, that is).
(2) Can't see you on weekends.
(3) Can only see you for lunch dates - not an evening date.
(4) Is unavailable to see you at night.
(5) Acts secretive - this means he is hiding something.
(6) Doesn't like you asking him questions about his life - he seems to squirm when you do ask him, or he changes the subject. Again he's got something to hide.
(7) When it comes to Christmas, and important family get togethers - he can't be with you and makes some phoney weak excuse why he can't be with you.
(8) He starts lying to you about different things - and it's clear to you that he is lying. He might contradict himself sometimes.
(9) If in conversation, he tends to say "we" a lot, it could be a warning sign that the "we" is his wife and him.
(10) He can't do things at short notice.
(11) Won't let you call him, or if you do call, he starts whispering, and obviously to you, being careful what he says - as if there is someone else there with him.
(12) Not wearing a wedding ring is no proof of him being unattached. He might not wear a ring because he does physical manual work and could lose a finger by the ring being caught on a box or something. Safety purposes, in other words.
There are so many warning signs that would naturally make you suspect something is not quite right, and I feel it is right that I make you aware of these things, to avoid any heartache in future.
As soon as you suspect that a new man in your life could be married, don't tell them you suspect it, but when they next ask you to go out with them somewhere, make an excuse not to - but be polite when you do. Don't get angry or upset.
If you again decline a date with them and they want to know why, well then you might have to be honest with them and tell them what you are thinking and why you feel that way.
Another thing to do if you can, is to see if you can find out something about him - only if you have doubts by his behaviour (some of the above points I made about warning signs to look out for) - and you know any of his friends.
But generally speaking, over time if there is something he might be hiding, be very very wary. You'll instinctively know.
It's probably also helpful in future when you are ready to start dating again, to hold back from having sex with a new man for a couple of weeks or even a month. That way you aren't likely to get hurt and you have a chance to get to know whether you really like the guy enough to take it to the next level with him. Plus, you have a chance to see how he treats you - and if he seems to show genuine interest in you and in your life.
In any case, you will know when the time is right to allow sex into a new relationship. Just make sure that you are ready and that you don't allow yourself to be coerced into it too soon. Don't let a guy make you feel guilty if you say no. Those guys are not worth you precious time.
From now on, accept only the best for yourself and nothing less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): you are now facing a situation that can best be summed up as follows:
KARMA is a bitch....this is what you get for sleeping with a married man.
why did you expect him to help you with money?
did you think that in exchange for sex you could swindle some money from him?
you knew he was married YET you cared nothing for his wife (and kids)
cheaters never prosper. and you are now paying the price
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much Dorothy. Actually from the beginning I knew he's married, but i could not stop loving him as he had many qualities i like in a man. I know I am wrong. He won't help me anyway. he never loved me. My problem is that it's hard to forget this man.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 July 2011):
Hi there. It's never a good idea dating a married man. Quite often in the beginning you might not know it, because they say nothing about it. It doesn't exactly come in conversation now, does it? Unless you asked him directly, or somehow figured it out.
Then later, if you do find out for yourself or they tell you, then you're already hooked.
A married man might promise all sorts of things to you over time - that he will leave his wife - but very rarely does it happen, as there is always some doubt involved with leaving a marriage for an affair relationship, which is full of uncertainty.
He'll keep making promises to you to keep on getting sex from you. Especially if you think there's hope for something more, in time.
There is no guarantee that things will stay the way they are in the affair stages. Reality sets in and it just becomes another relationship. Bills, dirty laundry, bad moods, arguments, problems, you name it. Reality usually hits pretty hard! Then they (the cheater), realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all.
It's only an illusion.
Another negative part of a relationship with a married man, is when he sleeps with you - he's cheating on his wife. And when he sleeps with his wife - he's cheating on you! You probably didn't think about that.
As a consequence of this, there are all sorts of doubts by the other woman. Serious trust issues as well.
And for that matter, you wouldn't really know if you are the only woman he's cheating on his wife with. There might be a few! Because the reality is, you really don't know.
Important family get togethers - birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. - he naturally goes with his wife.
So at Christmas, you are on your own! That's pretty depressing, don't you think? And very lonely.
Surely you deserve better than that for yourself.
Believe me, you can do better than dating a man who you could never trust.
Just supposing it went along ok with the two of you, and he decided to leave his wife and give his relationship with you a chance to flourish. Even if you get along fantastically well, every single time he had to go out - for whatever reason - you would inevitably wonder if he was where he said he was going, OR if he was in actual fact having an affair - with yet another woman! How would you really know? You would be so full of doubt, thinking back to how you both met, you'd be absolutely miserable.
You would be asking yourself - "What was I thinking?"
You are much better off without a married man. You are after all, constantly "sharing" him with another. Is that what you really want?
Wouldn't you prefer to have a man who wants to be with only you and who would genuinely be devoted to you and be faithful? Of course you would.
Trust is a very big thing in any relationship. Without it, the relationship won't last very long at all.
In future, aim for higher ground. There's plenty of good quality single unattached men out there. There's no shortage. You absolutely CAN do better.
Being involved with a married man can cause you nothing but pain and a whole lot of disappointment, not to mention loneliness. It simply is not worth it.
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