A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm a 28 year old male living with my partner for 1 year. I have a few problems I guess, I feel she doesn't care about my needs. Firstly she is very fatalistic/depressed: I hate myself, I'm ugly, fat etc... all the time even though I have re-assured her all the time we are together she isn't. Our sex life was great for the first 6 months but now it isn't, once a month if that, we just went away for our anniversary and still no action! On top of this I have always been the doer presents, I cook every night and I'm sick of it and I asked her if she could cook once in a while to give me something to look forward too. her response is I don't cook do you want me to eat toast? Usually that would snap me back into line but this week I have stopped cooking and sure enough every night she has made toast for herself. Also she refuses to associate with my social circle that she hasn't even met! I want her to meet an old school friend and go to my work's christmas party with me all of which she said no to, becasue she doesn't want to, even though I expressed it would mean a lot to me. I feel she is using sex as a weapon and blaming my current boycott on cooking as oh so you think if you stop cooking I will have sex with you which is rubbish as it's a seperate issue. But combined, I think I deserver better. I have asked her to go to the doctor for deppression on numerous occasions, I suffer from it too and she talked me into going a couple of months agao. She won't though so I feel what's good enough for me isn't for her. She won't talk about any of these things she just storms off and gives me the silent treatment. I just don't know what else to do I want to feel loved and appreciated and at the moment I don't!Suggestions ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 This is a tricky situation. You are a doer because that is how you are wired. I am too. I once became resentful toward my wife because I felt like she never did the extras for me. I let this resentment build until it exploded on day. The fall out lasted for years.
People like us enjoy making others happy. Sometimes we have to investigate why that is. Is there a flaw in our past that makes us be like that? Do we do it to an extreme. Just as we are wired one way, some people are wired differently. They don't realize that when we dote on them it's a sign of our love. When they don't dote on us, we interpret that as a lack of love toward us.
The most important thing is that your partner needs to learn that she should do extra things for you because it's "nice". You want to be treated well, surprised, doted on, thought about etc. We all do. The problem is we want it to come from the heart, not because we demand it. If my wife had to leave me a note every month to "surprise " her with flowers, how special would that make her feel.
Get some counseling if that can't be worked out. You MUST also stand up for yourself in a no confrontational way and demand respect. You deserve it.
A
female
reader, elliebellie  +, writes (2 November 2007):
i agree with waterloo. i think she needs help with her depression. i think when you have an illness like this you tend to be oblivious at to how everyone around you is feeling. so the first thing you should do is get her some help. then see how things are from there. hope this helps, good luck with your lifeellie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Thanks waterloo I am getting to the same conclusion I think her tactic has to make me feel bad for bringing these things up but now I am over it I am worth better.
Hell she is out srinking with her friends at the moment, I assume she is talking to them when she should be me anyways thenaks for the reply!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): You must love her or you would of left long ago. sorry to hear about all of this misery that you are going through but i think her depression needs to be tackled. But what can you do if she wont go and seek help. I couldnt put up with this now, i have done in the past, never again, life is much too short. You need to sit her down and tell her that things either change or you are off. Be firm, you are just pussy footing around her right now and walking on egg shells. Forget that, let her know how it should be for you both, not just for you. She is being very self centred and selfish. Just to deny going to the doctors she is making herself worse. Have that word and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life in the misery, i wouldnt!!
take care
xx
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