A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 17 and will be going to university this year. I've always been really independent and mature (so I've been told many times) and apparently act beyond my years. I guess I've always felt the need to be independent, considering my father being in and out of my life for the first 8ish years and then absent for most of the rest. A girls supposed to have her father to support and protect her in everyway possible, but he never has. I've never been able to forgive him for that and he's made me quite sceptical about guys, their intentions and their morals. Therefore I've had to have my older brother as a role model, however now he is dealing with his own life and has little time for me and I've basically lost my best friend. My mother has other concerns with my younger siblings and her relationship with my stepfather. It feels as if I've had to raise myself through the entirety of my adolescence. The bond i once had with my mother is insufficient, to the point where the only person i can rely on and be truthful with is the agony aunts here on dearcupid. My mother has been so consumed with her own life for the past few years that she's barely ever shown an interest in my life, and often takes my behaviour when I'm hurting as pure teenage nuisance and ignorance, when all i really need is a cuddle. We use to be really close, her cuddles just solved everything and literally warmed my heart. Since her marriage and the birth of my younger siblings, and my older brother screwing up his life (and ultimately becoming the subject to her attention), I've become the least of her priorities and it hurts. I just feel so unloved, which i know isn't the case but it feels that way. The other day, my mother tried to have the first heart to heart with me since i had my first period, and i just couldn't get myself to open up. I had my first crush when i was 10/11, but she doesn't know that. I had my first kiss well over a year ago, but she doesn't know that. I lost my virginity at the start of this year, she also doesn't know that. She asked me and i lied saying i was still a virgin just because that was the easier response and i didn't know how to tell her that her teenage daughter has been sexually intimate with a guy. I get it, my family think I'm a strong independent young woman who can take care of herself but I'm not, i have moments of weakness just like every other person.But because i hold back the tears until I'm alone at night in my room or because i would rather say nothing than say something that will express myself but hurt others, they assume I'm okay. I don't feel like i can trust anybody because nobody has tried to be there for me emotionally. This will sound really pathetic and i may not be able to express myself properly through words, but i lost my virginity to a guy who I've been close with for a couple of years as friends. I've been interested in him sexually for a while and him with me. I was not supposed to have sex with him, i was saving myself for a serious relationship, but then i don't know i just lost those goals. It's like, barring sex for a second, when i 'play' with myself just alone in bed, i forget about the world for a second and can just focus on me. All my stresses and worries just seem to disappear. Whenever i was intimate with this guy, there was the same/stronger affect. He somehow helped me to forget. Don't get me wrong, i didn't have feelings beyond friendship and lust for him then and i don't now, but he was a nice distraction. I am probably not making any sense right now and sounding really immature, and i didn't intend or plan to have sex with him or know that it would be a distraction, it just sort of happened and i don't regret my first time because i trusted and still trust him.I want to be able to communicate openly with my mother, and just express myself in general, but I feel so lost and alone that i don't know where to start. Also just a separate question, did you tell your parents when you lost your virginity? Is that something that people do or can it just be kept to myself?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AnnalisaV +, writes (28 April 2017):
 Hi :) You know, it is perfectly normal to find difficulty in discussing personal issues with your parents, so...1- no, you do not have to tell your mum if and when you have lost your virginity, but you may wish to ask her for advice. I never discussed my personal life with my parents and actually sought advice from doctors and family planning reps at my church.2- If you don't feel comfortable with intimate discussions with your mum, make sure that you start small:be with her, smile, ask her how she is, if she'd like some help with anything, so that she feels you are there, part of her bubble;just hug her from time to time and tell her you love her;try to focus on the present, not the past and not the future and, try to build a friendship with your mum, perhaps ask her out for some girly time, like shopping or a movie.3- My dad always used to say that he just 'knew' stuff about me... Now I am a mum, I can tell you that parents are only human, they've been young, they've been hurt and they've spent years timing your need for a nappy change, a meal, a hug, a rest, some fun, more friends, attention... and your need for space and independence and actually, we never become so strong that we don't feel a little bit unsure about how good a parent we're being. If you need to cry, just go up to your mum and say 'Mum, can I have a hug?' and just cry on her shoulder! It'll give her space to understand that you need her and that she can ask you what's wrong :)Best of luck with everything x
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 Congratulations on putting in great effort into your schooling and I wish you well in your next stage, university.Your words did make perfect sense to me. The sexual aspect sounds like you and a long term friend were comfortable together. There was trust between you and him and about exploring sex together. You were also both clear about it being just sex together. There was no intention to form a long term sexual relationship with each other.You enjoyed the sex and that was acceptable for you. You obtain a similar sense of happiness when masturbating and that too is normal, healthy and a regular occurrence for millions of people around the world daily or weekly or less regularly and is OK. It gives you comfort and does work for you and it is normal and OK.However you are correct to be sceptical about some guys, when it comes to sex. You will find that this is particularly so at University. There are guys who just want to collect notches on their belts to see just how many women they can bed in a ''wham, Bam, Thank you Maam'' mechanical sex interaction that has NOTHING to do with building a loving caring longer term relationship with the other party. Yes such guys are charming, flirty, often cute and engaging. But such ''players'' are best avoided. As well there are the over eager impatient demanding buffoons who want sex, often when they have had too much to drink, but lack the finesse of the ''players'' above and behave like a rutting stag and are NOT worthy of your time.There are much nicer guys at University. They put their studies first. They are responsible, they are good listeners, they are thoughtful, behave respectfully and they can become good friends. Identify such guys as being worthy of your friendship and your time. They are guys far better suited to the person you are. University can be a tough place without friends and family support. So do try to join some groups on campus where you think you can build some friendships. Being resilient and independant is not a bad thing. But being especially guarded and independant can give others the impression that you don't need others. Since we all do need friends do try to step out of your comfort zone and join in by signing up to be members of some clubs or sports or special interest groups on campus that meet regularly and where what the group is about is really something that does interest you. With a view to forming some new platonic friend relationships with other males and females on campus.Remember nice friends often also have nice brothers. So good friends are a conduit to meeting nice guys, worthy of your time.The time to start rebuilding your communication with your Mother should start as soon as possible. What do you and your Mother have in common? For instance do you both enjoy an activity like walking or cooking or a craft?or perhaps you could ask your Mother about some inexpensive hobby that she is paticularly good at. Taking an interest in what is important to your Mother and listening and learning to your mother teach you more is a good way to build trust between the the two of you.Perhaps she gets the impression that you are so self sufficient that you don't need her anymore. However to help you approach this goal of building trust with your mother and working towards a better more open communication with each other I think it would help if you to could get some counselling from a professional psychologist to put things in perspective and build your confidence to the point where you are more able to be open and more able to cope with the responses from your Mother if she responds in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.You did not feeL able to respond honestly to your Mother over the virginity issue. It is your right to choose not to discuss such a private issue. But then you need the confidence to be more assertive in the first place. Nobody HAS to reveal private matters that they are not yet confident about discussing with others.Lying to your Mother indicates that you felt uncomfortable opening up and telling her the truth at this point in time.Perhaps you were concerned about her reaction to this news.Your mother probably has her own suspicions but gave you an opportunity to confirm or refute her suspicions.Your Mother did not then make any demands nor accustions nor reveal why she had suspicions that you had had sex, because she was respecting your right to privacy on this issue.Sounds like you and your Mother are not sitting down regularly to discuss health issues like safe sex, contraception, teen pregnancy, sexually acquired diseases and all the many questions teens have about sex. All teens benefit from such regular talks. Conducted respectfully by both the parent and the teen and without judgement. Sex is wonderful but it is a minefield if you go in without making informed choices.In truth most parents are not faced with a teenager coming home to announce that the teenager has just had sex for the first time. What parents do, generally, hope is that the teenager will feel able to come to the parent for non-judgemental advice.Your virginity, or lack thereof is a very private issue. It is your choice to discuss this, if and when you are ready, with a person of your choice. Or NOT discuss it. It is your call.Directly ask your Mother for a Hug or a Cuddle when you want to. Choose a suitable time and open up your arms and look at your Mother and say, ''Can I have a hug please?'' or ''Can I have a cuddle please?'' if she consistently says NO or claims ''not now'' or ''too busy'' or scolds you for asking then ask for a private time to discuss why she feels no longer able to dispence hugs and cuddles. Tell how the cuddles or hugs mean a lot to you and give you great comfort.Everyone wants to feel that they ''belong'' somewhere, and that they are loved by a parent or parents. It is a primal need. Contact your brother. Tell you brother that you'd like to spend more time with him before you go to University. Tell him you miss him. He may be busy with his family but do try to reach out to him.First and foremost put your own health ahead of everything else. NEVER compromise on your health and just hope things will get better. Ask for help when you need it from a professional. Recognize when you feel overwhelmed and seek out a professional counsellor at University. Universities normally offer such services because they know students will need such support from time to time.Ask your mother to arrange for you to have a full medical (just you alone with the Doctor) in a longer appointment and let the Doctor know about any concerns you have in respect to your health. Let the Doctor know that you sometimes cry when alone, because that is important information that a Doctor needs to know.The Doctor can even refer you to a medical specialist if the Doctor feels you could benefit.Such longer medical examinations are very normal. Explore online some of the FREE emotional intelligence (EI) online quizzes.The good thing is that an EI score CAN be improved and developed over time. Your EI score can be increased with a whole range of strategies trialled by you and sometimes by subtle changes you can decide to consider in respect to how you respond to things.The aim is to develop you to become more emotionally resilient so that you can face things in the future by assertively responding to issues. And the confidence to face life situations and not feel that crying yourself to sleep is the only solution. Your good health is essential for a good life to face the challenges and the positives of living away from home at University.Best Wishes from me for the future ahead for you at University.
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