A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been together for 3 years and I love her... but the love could be "stronger."I have a great emotional relationship with my girlfriend and she rocks my world when it comes to physical sex. She gives me everything I desire in bed and we love to do the same things (both in and out of bed). She is fun and cares for me a lot.However, I have lost my attraction to her due to her gaining weight. I've told her my concerns the nicest way possible about 2 years ago. She of course cried anyway, and I have yet to see any real dedication to lose weight. I still try to tell her in nice ways that she isn't as "hot" as she once was. She is not very girly anymore and always wears T-Shirts. It's as if she tried harder to be "girlfriend material" with her past boyfriends. I'm glad she can be comfortable around me and be herself, but I want a FEMININE partner.In the mean time I've lost over 20 lbs myself and I'm in the best physical shape I've ever been and I'm not stopping there. I keep getting looks from other women now, and one of my friends (who I think is smoking pot) is starting to give me suggestive hints that she wants me.It's as if my girlfriend can't "keep up" with me. I don't want to lose her but I can't bring her around to look good like she used to in order for me to desire her physically.Having more attractive women taking more notice of me is giving me the seven year itch way earlier than I anticipated. I feel like having sex with all the hot girls that I can because the "looks" is something my relationship is lacking.
View related questions:
her past, lose weight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jaclyn007 +, writes (17 August 2010):
So I want to know, did you want to cheat on her before she gained weight? It might seem like an obvious answer, but were you tempted before?
And do you think if she lost the weight the desire to cheat would leave?
If the answer is yes, then you can save this relationship. I hear you really love this girl and the way you talk about her I believe it. I at one time was 250 pounds, and I'm now 130. It can be done, people can improve. Everybody wants an attractive and fun partner, just remember to be realistic, she's not gonna be a porn star. But if you can be happy with a girl at a "healthy" weight then motivate her. Together you guys can do this. If she really has a hard time understanding let her know it's not personal, how would she like it if you got really fat? She would still love you, still be loyal, but eventually she would become unhappy with your weight and want someone who takes good care of themselves.
Good luck, all the best wishes
J
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): LOVE + LUST = IN LOVE. Isn't it kind of difficult to imagine being IN LOVE with someone who you do not lust for? Do you love your parents? Do you love your closest friends? Do you love your significant other? Now... Who do you LUST for? Invariably, the answer will reveal who you are IN LOVE with, or perhaps, if you are even in love at all. Deductive logic proves that lust (and lustful sex) is the determining factor when it comes to being IN LOVE. You can lust for someone, but not love them... YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE. You can love someone, and even have sex with them... BUT IF YOU DO NOT LUST FOR THEM, THEN YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE. Combine lust and love, and voila - you're a person IN LOVE.
...............................
A
male
reader, LiferNumero1 +, writes (16 April 2009):
You sound like you just need some perspective. I would cheat on her with the skinniest girl I could possibly find and use that as a referance point to help me decide whether or not her weight really is a problem. Good luck with the pothead
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Same problem here, only that my girlfriend lost a serious amount of weight. I must come with a solution myself cause i love her she loves me, we are not the perfect couple but we had and have a verry close and intimate relation ship in the past 4 years. My problem is simple: as a typical male would say, im frustraited in my subconcense that i have to have my ''phisical needs'' with one girl, its not something that ocures to me every day its from time to time. And the second thing is i mentioned she lost weight and she trys too get back the way she is but im the only one who knows she has eating disorders cause she in another town in colege. Thing is i cheated her at the first month we meat but that was a long aggo and i try to think that does not count. But hear me out, recently i went with a girl out and i tried to do her, but i stoped at phase 1. Itt was the perfect moment perfect timing just in a werry selfish manner i remembered a thing: how would i feel if i was who beig cheated. I angerd my self so muth that i imediatly took the girl home and i never got back in touch with her again. And plus if u cheat you gonna feel dirty, you gonna feeel sorry for your girlfriend, you look like a moron in the mirro in the morning all this offcourse if u realy love your partener. And the bigest issue is you gonna broke a hearth cause in the end you must stop the releation ship, i dont know a single case of a happy couple with cheating problems, and i met a lot of them. I hope somehow i never gonna be tempted again and my girl she gonna gain that weight back so she could be happy, and i could be happyThanks if anybody readed this, cause its a common almoust sensless thing but its all true and writen with a realy bad english knoledge :P
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): As a guy who also has been in a relationship for three years now, you need to prioritize what's truly important in your life. If the weight is that much of an issue than you need to tell her that you can't be with her anymore because of it, but don't be a dick and cheat on this girl who's in love with you. To be honest i think you need to get over yourself, and show this girl love and support and get gym memberships and go together. If she won't do it herself than give her a little support by going to aerobic classes together, even walks work. If you really love her you'll find a way to make it work. Just don't cheat on her while your together, and don't assume you losing 20 pounds has actually made you all that because one day your gonna wake up and realize that your alone and the girl you let slip away is with another guy and happier than ever.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): Okay... I've read every post so far and I'll just put my 2 cents in...
I am a male and I too have similar frustrations with my girlfriend. I've been with her for 5 years now. She's gained perhaps an average of ten pounds for each year we have been together. Before all the women start bashing me for the same reasons, hear me out.
To be honest, you've got to understand the dynamics of attraction between the sexes... Men generally get aroused through sight/physical means while women usually get theirs through emotional/mental means. Don't hate on our friend who is frustrated with his mate's physical appearance. That is how he's genetically wired. I do think that there is a deeper issue that we may be missing though.
Me personally, I find a lot big women attractive. It's easy to see other women that are physically attractive and believe that they are light years ahead of your current mate, but that goes with the mystery of pursuing a new mate. My girlfriend is the best thing that has came along, but alas... She has some serious confidence issues. Some very deeply rooted to the point that I believe she wouldn't even be overweight if it weren't for them. I'm generally an optimist, but she can be such a drag! On top of that, she can even come off as lazy and unmotivated.
Our friend here that has posted is seeking advice! He loves his girlfriend and I'll bet that if he looks deeper, he'll find that there's more to it that just the weight issue. I have taken the time to get inside of my girlfriend's mind and found out what makes her so insecure. I pray that she sorts it out. I don't want to cheat, but it surely is tempting. I mean even the ladies can't deny this: How many ladies would truly want a man who over the years has become unreliable... whose only crime has been that they weren't assertive enough... Who at first used to take care of everything at home... and then just started to lose it... Stopped caring.. Stopped tending to some of the most important needs for a woman, like trust (doesn't have to be cheating) or security? I'm not saying that those are number one for all women, but the point I'm trying to make is that this man truly wants to stay with his girlfriend, but is looking for a solution so he can stay with her and avoid these feelings.
I think that once she gets motivated, the weight will follow, but I think the weight is not the sole reason for the frustrations. I mean think about it... If you are moving on to bigger and better things, who would want someone weighing them down (no pun intended)?
The advice I would give our friend is first try to figure out why she isn't motivated too and to work with her to get her up to speed. Let her know how it is affecting the relationship. Because of all of the negative attitude, lack of confidence, and lack of regard for physical appearance, It seems like a burden when it comes to sexual activities.... Ah-Ha... Maybe it's not so shallow. He just wants the woman sparked his flames to begin with.
Trust me... The grass isn't always greener. If there is something there, then work on it. It's gonna be very hard, but after you two get to be in your 60s-70s, all of the physicals are gonna go out the window and the core is gonna stay. Work on helping her build up her self-esteem. the rest will be sure to follow.
AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP BASHING THIS MAN FOR BEING A MAN AND ASKING FOR ADVICE AND ATTEMPTING TO FORSAKE HIS NATURAL INCLINATION TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE FOR A MATE WHO IS CURRENTLY NOT STIMULATING HIS NATURAL (EVEN INSTINCTUAL) NEEDS.
Thank you... God bless every one!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Well, if you lover her, then looks shouldn't matter.
If you're just gonna go about it due to looks then it's lust and not love. But like you said the love could be stronger. So instead of breaking her heart and doing the wrong thing just break up with her and move on, that way you won't be hurting anyone.
But if not, then just tell her what you are thinking about doing and maybe you guys could talk about it. Just don't do the wrong thing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I agree that feeling 'attracted' to one's partner is important - I don't think anyone who has responded to this question would disagree with you on that. What I think people find hard to accept is that that seems to be the ONLY thing that is important to you. You wrote a paragraph of how amazing this woman is at the start - but then you talk about WANTING to cheat on her because she has gained weight!
As someone who has been cheated on - and funnily enough my weight was one of the factors for my man too - I can tell you that it's pain beyond your imagination for the injured party. I will never ever be the same person, never view the world or love the same way, I feel broken...perhaps beyond fixing - although I am trying. Every single day the pain of the person I loved and trusted and relied on more than anyone else lying to me and sneaking around behind my back is something that I carry...it is so, so heartbreaking.
I want you to think about this before you go ahead and destroy this person you say you care about and don't want to lose. You have probably already caused damage by making her feel 'not good enough' for you anymore - whether you meant to or not...but that will be nothing compared with deliberately choosing to sleep with someone else.
Fade878 has offended you - but perhaps it's because she's struck a nerve? Part of you perhaps knows how 'superficial' this way of thinking you have at the moment makes you seem. Perhaps you're not superficial - but do you see how WRONG it is to go and screw some 'thin' girl when you are with someone else, someone who has been there for you for three years?
You need to decide whether you and your girlfriend can work out this 'issue' - it is just like any other relationship problem...you BOTH need to work on it together (there have been some good suggestions on here). If you keep making her feel like she isn;t good enough and hasn't tried hard enough for you - then chances are she is going to feel depressed and lack any self esteem at all...not really conducive to making positive changes is it?? Down goes your sex life, down goes your 'closeness', down goes your friendship....all down the drain.
You talk about your own weight loss - and how that has boosted your own confidence...I am wondering if some of your 'angst' towards your girlfriend and her weight stems from your own embedded self concept problems? Were you the pudgy boy at high-school, or the guy who never had a girlfriend? Maybe your 'worth' has been wrapped up in how you look for some time? Maybe you see everyone's 'worth' as being linked to their physical appearance? I am just speculating...but if this is so - YOU are the one with the problem and until you solve that NOONE will be good enough for you - cause you are never going to be good enough for yourself for long enough either!
It's my gut feeling that you should leave your girlfriend. You seem to want to go out and 'feel the love' from all these other women - cause you're so hot right now. If that's what you need to do - so be it...but PLEASE, don;t have your cake and eat it too. Don't damage your girlfriend for life by cheating. Try to leave as friends if you can...that's what you'll do if you really do care for her at all.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow is it shallow to want a partner who is attractive? Sex loses its visual stimulation when your partner isn't good looking anymore. A lot of you girls see this shit one-sided rather than trying to be in MY shoes. What I want (my attractive girlfriend) isn't a f***ing crime. It's like your judging me based on your own bad experience.
Thanks for the ones who actually gave good advice rathern than typed up a bashing response like it even help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 He thereTo cheat is surely not the solution - it would only make your girlfriend miserable and maybe she will eat a lot more because of it.If you really love your girlfriend, you would care more about her feelings and less about what she looks like!Hope this helped!
...............................
A
female
reader, uberpinkii  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 I'm going to be honest and say that you are every girl's nightmare, you're shallow and are a plain horrible person, your vain and you need to give your girlfriend a break.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I'm sorry but how dare you!!! I have been with my partner 3 years. I have gained weight and our relationship probably isn't as 'loved up' as it once was, but one thing for sure, he never ever says anything to me about the way I look now. In fact it's me that does the moaning about how I feel I've gained weight and he is right there to tell me to shut up!! There is more things in life to worry about. If you have any respect for her at all then you will leave her rather than cheat.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): If your going to cheat on her, leave her. You do not cheat on the person you love, you only been dating for 3 years! Looks aren't everything, I really think your being shallow. But hey let her find another guy if it effects you that much
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I hear what your saying here..If you've become less attracted to your girlfriend, it's not your fault.. (nor is it hers)...But you do need to STOP thinking about other girls and focus on how to keep your relationship alive and get that spark back..! You say you have lots in common.. your obviously very close and enjoy each others company, so arrange to do more together, suggest your loving the way its made you feel loosing your weight and youd love if she would support you and join you down the gym or on long sunday afternoon walks.. But you need to give her confidence back, shes lost her self esteame by the sounds of things and no ammount of 'hinting' will suddenly make her drop 2 stone..! It will make her more upset which will effectivly make her put on weight and have a less positive attitude..Compliment her, take her shopping, tell her how nice clothes look on her when she tries them on (she probably wont agree, but it will give her the boost in her head to want to fit into a smaller size top/dress) whilst still feeling happy that you think she looks good.. the more u compliment her the more she'll want to look nice for you...if you compliment her and give her praise on her looks etc she wont think ''oh thank god he loves me chubby in this scruffy old jumper'' she'll jus want to look better for you and keep you happy (obv this might not apply 4 ur gf, i dont know her..but a lot of women work this way! haha)anyway most important thing is you stop thinkin of these other girls that find you attractive and that ur attracted to because ull end up loosing someone who really loves you, and loves you for YOU.. everything about you, in and out.. you most probably wont find that with any of these girls your checkin out and flirting with, not in the same way your long term partner thinks of you anyway..GOOD LUCK, and remember to be happy with what you have for deeper things that whats on the outside... keep positive, compliment her, make her happy and you'll be more likely to get what you want out of the relationship!!xx
...............................
A
female
reader, BLONDII3 +, writes (19 October 2008):
 Okay. I'm trying not to be nasty here but like give the girl a break!! After 3 years of a relationship any girl would like to believe that their boyfriend would love them enough not to care if they put on a bit of weight!! And maybe the reason she's wearing t-shirts is because you told her you don't like her looking fat and she's trying to cover it up!! And yes I too think that your friend that finds you attractive is smoking pot, if she likes you after you'd be that cruel to your girlfriend and then say that you want to sleep with other girls, shes definatley on drugs! Okay now if you want her to be her old self give her compliments to build up her confidence that you have TOTALLY CRUSHED! and suggest that you both hit the gym a few times a week as a couple hobby!! Good Luck Babe xxx
...............................
|
