A
male
age
41-50,
*monty78
writes:Hello Everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this as I am completely lost right now and could really use some advice from an outside party other than my friends and family. I know this is a long post but please, if you have the time, read this and offer me your thoughts, I would so appreciate it.My girlfriend (27) and I (30) split a few days ago and I have been completely lost since. We began seeing one another the first week of December 2007. She lived about 45 minutes away and I own a business in my hometown, and the commute began to be too much for me all the time. (she currently has a suspended drivers license)so after 6 months we decided for her and her daughter to move down here with me and my daughter because we could not stand being apart any longer.Soon after we moved in together things began to get a little rocky. I admit I have my faults and I am not perfect, however it seemed that nothing I ever did was good enough. It seemed like there was always something that she had to complain about. i.e. I spend too much time with my folks, my family doesn't accept her (caused by her never wanting to spend time with them and get to know them), it started to seem like she was the only one in the world and I began to see a lot of selfishness. In spite of this, I care about her and once I fall in love with someone, I commit myself to spending the rest of my life with that person and working through our problems the best I can.After 6 months of living together I began to run into financial hardships because she was having a hard time finding employment here in my town and I was paying the majority of the bills. We both began getting stressed. In the mean time she was still nagging me about my daughter being at my moms more than at my house, which my daughter would rather be at grandma and grandpas because they have contributed sooo much in helping me raise her, she is used to their house, and I respect that. She just turned 4 and I want her to be comfortable, and if that means being at grandma's instead of my house, I am ok with that....for the time being.As things got more difficult financially supporting my own family, my busines, and her and her daughter, I began to look at other business endeavours. I went into a partnership within the same industry I was currently in with someone I was previously in business with. This gentleman is extremely successful and I appreciate any advice he ever suggests.He told me I needed to refocus on my business if we were going to be partners and since I was going in the hole financially, it was probably best if she move back to her hometown for a short period of time until we could both get back on our feet. This would give me the opportunity to get some money back in my pocket and in the mean time she could be focusing on working and getting her drivers license back. It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to take his advice and move her back to her parents house, I did the same. We agreed I would come see her once or twice a week and on weekends I didn't have my daughter, just as we did before we had moved in together, and in a few months when we both had our ducks in a row she would move back down here and start school and we would go from there. Everyone that knew the circumstances thought this would be a great idea. Well, after I moved her home in November she seemed to start to disconnect from me emotionally more and more. Our sex life became virtually nonexistant and she just wasn't the same person I fell in love with. She then began her complaining of my family and telling me how I needed to do this and that if we were ever going to make this work. I can also see where she is coming from......to an extent.Then last week she told me she would be working the weekend, so I might as well go out with my friends, something she normally gets upset about. I found that odd. A day or two later I took her grocery shopping and all of a sudden all she was concerned about was healthy food and losing weight. I was supposed to go see her Friday and she said she wasn't feeling well and told me she would see me on Saturday. I was to pick her up from work. Then Saturday she said the roads her way were slick and maybe I should wait until Sunday to come. Saturday night she told me her shift at work had been replaced by someone else and she ended up going out with her friends instead of calling me to come up when she hadn't seen me all week. Then around midnight she texted me and said she wished I could come up, and she wanted to talk. After everything else that had been going on, I knew this wasn't going to be good. I then called her and insisted she tell me what was going on and she then told me she thinks we should just be friendsand she wanted me to come up and talk.The next morning I went there and she began to tell me all the things I always here from her about her issues with how me and my family do things, blah blah blah, and how she needed to focus on her daughter and getting her license back, and going back to school and that I needed to get back on track too, and then maybe in 6 months or a year we could try it again.I'm a grown man, but I will admit I just sat there and sobbed. She didn't seem upset at all. She didn't shed a single tear, and told me not to think she wasn't upset, it was just that she had been crying the past two days and she just didn't have it left in her. She even had the audacity to make a phone call that could have waited, while I sat there and sobbed.The next day we agreed to meet the following night for dinner and during the conversation she mentioned giving me her cell phone back and she would get her own. I told her that didn't make sense if she had planned on us remaining friends and spending time with one another, with the possibility of us getting back together. the phone would cost me more to cancel service than it would to pay for a year of usage because its on my business account.The next night at dinner one of the first things I asked her was if she was sure this is what she wanted and without hesitation she said yes. She told me I was her best friend and that she couldn't imagine me not being in her life and she wanted to be with me, now just wasn't the time for either of us. I then handed her a 4 page letter that I had started on several weeks before all this came about. A very sentimental and loving letter that most women could only dream of receiving from a man. She read the letter and told me it was really sweet and thanked me for it and without hesitation, then told me ''this is not going to change things.''We had a lenghty conversation and she asked me if I could still be her friend as I am her best friend and she didn't want to lose that. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and normally I wouldn't do this is past relationships, but I looked her right in the eye and told her I was sorry, but I love her too much, and that I am in love with her and I wouldn't be able to just ''hang out'' with her because it would be too hard for me.I dropped her off at home afterwards and we hugged each other for what seemed like forever, both of us crying and her begging me to be her friend, which I insisted I couldn't. We hugged again and gave one another one last kiss and she walked away from my car sobbing.Originally I felt like she only wanted to be my friend because she might have someone of insterest on the back burner, and I am not going to be anyones ''plan B.'' I am too good of a person for that. I also can't stand the thought of her seeing other people and hanging out with me from time to time and killing me more in the long run so I decided to cut all ties. She keeps reassuring me there is no one else and I partially believe that. I think there are signs there is, but I also know there isn't any suspicious activity on any of her online accounts that I have access to, nor is there anything suspicious on the phone bills. So maybe all the reasons for the breakup are valid.I spent time with her brother last night and I am extremely confident he would tell me if there was anything going on, he is a very honest person and has become a good friend to me, and he told me the breakup was a shock to him as well and that he is almost certain there is no one else. I also firmly believe he would tell me if there was, so that I could go on with my life. I might add, the only guy that I know she has been talking to I have never met, but she told me many months ago she has been friends with him forever and she would never even consider fooling around with him. Her brother last night said the same thing when I asked him. He said the guy was like a brother to her for years and its never been anything more.Since I have talked to her brother, I am now wondering if I made a mistake telling her I couldn't be her friend. I haven't heard from her since I left her house and am wondering if she didn't want to be my friend to begin with and only told me that to let me down easily or if she is respecting my wishes and not contacting me because I told her I couldn't handle it. I want to call her, but I also think if she really cared she would have called by now. What should I do? And thank you for taking the time to read this, I know this is an extremely long post but I didn't want to leave many details out.
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at work, best friend, fell in love, money, moved in, period, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Dude do not send her an email, or a letter, or anything at all. You are a man don't act like a neutered puppy dog she read your letter that you poured your heart and soul into and barely batted an eyelid. This sounds to me like she is over you and has another man in her sights and just because her brother doesn't know about it yet doesn't mean anything. This will rip your heart out but you have to cut her loose, grovelling back to her will make you look pathetic. Be strong. I know, easier said than done. Get fit get happening make yourself appealing to new women but give yourself no time frame for finding one. Good luck mate.
A
female
reader, bummed out +, writes (17 January 2009):
I don't know this woman so I can't say for sure what she is really thinking but here is a possibility
Maybe she feels like she blew it with you and felt like she depended on you way too much.
That would explain why she wanted to return the cell and kept saying she wanted to focus on her kid and getting her stuff together. Makes her look better. Seem more mature and appealing.
She probably felt like you a successful man asked her to move back home. She wasn't working....she didn't have much of a future and you could meet someone just as financially promissing as yourself.
It could happen.
She may have realized she needs to be able to offer something to the relationship other than just living in it...using it and sometimes hurting it.
She may have said she wanted to be friends to keep you near and to know what's going on in your life.
I would think she felt really down about herself and possibly couldn't expect you to keep her that way. She may want to better herself for a better future with you 6 months to a year down the line.
Just a thouht
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (16 January 2009):
 Wow. Everything in your situation is JUST like what is going on in my relationship. ( We are still together, but I moved home in november.)
I am going to cut to the point, and not sugar coat this with 1000 words of condolences before getting to the point... Your best bet right now, is to send her an email explaining, without begging, that you made a mistake and would like to be friends during the period. Damage has definitely been done. Now, all you can do is damage control. I would not suggest telling her that you suspected she was cheating. She is more than likely respecting your wishes by not contacting you. She very well may be mad as hell. "I'm not good enough to be his friend through this?!" That's the female mind for you. After the email, give her space. Leave her be and wait. After a decent period of time, try another email, if she doesn't respond to the first. If she refuses contact...there isn't much you can do but let her know that you would love to talk should in the future, she change her mind. She may have taken your denial of friendship hard. And it very well may have caused sever damage to your relationship.
Send and email, give her space to process it and...wait.
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