A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Just wondering if someone can give me their perspective on my situation. I've come across similar situations, yet none quite like mine. Here it goes,...I've been with the same guy for almost 10 years (I was 20, him 21). We've def had our ups and downs, but overall have grown to be better people together. I've imagined that by this time we would be living together, engaged or SOMETHING!...yet, nothing :( We live in different cities still (1 hr away) and I get frustrated because even though the economy hit us hard (both laid off), I pushed and worked hard to get another career and a couple jobs. As for him, instead of applying for work (he is completely capable and employable), he decided to go on GA! No offense to those who receive GA, I just feel (like I said earlier) that if you are capable and have employable skills,....at least APPLY for work. We come from different backgrounds. I've always had to do for myself and push to accomplish my goals. As for him, I feel that he has never had pressure to move out from Moms, to work and pay rent on a consistent basis, and really.....sad to say, we're not getting any younger.I'm on the fence. I love and want to be with my bf, but at the same time, I need a partner that's going to be able to support himself and meet me half way when it comes to responsibilities. I've talked to him and he says that he'll apply for work and he just doesn't!! I'm so frustrated :-? What can I do?...Should I just give up 'cause he's not stepping up to the plate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Justin! Good luck to you as well :)HoneyPie, Thanks for your input. Yes, I have talked to him on several occasions and I think that it's just really getting under my skin now. Generally, I want to see all the good in people and just realized exactly what Tina's been singing about..."What's love got to do with it?" (Haha!). I mean, I appreciate everything that he has done, but In the end, it boils down to having THE TALK. And although I don't like ultimatums, I'm going to take Eddie and Stayc63088 advice and give him one.Eddie, I've made my list and have established my goals. And you're right, I've been in this relationship for so long and "content", that I lost sight of the things that are important to me. Thanks for reminding me :-) And "So_Very_Confused", thanks for confirming my thoughts. It was a reality check.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Wow, 10 years is a lot of time to invest in someone and not have the relationship go to the next level.
What I am sensing from your post, though, is that YOU don't know what you want. It sounds like for the past decade you've been rolling with the punches and just taking life as it comes. The same for him.
What I am not seeing here is a goal or a partnership. What do YOU really want out of life and what do you want out of life with your boyfriend? Kids? A house? Nice car? Money in the bank? A Career? Love? Travel? Write out what you want out of life -- what you want to do to really make your life complete and fulfilling. Highlight anything that you think you'd like to start TODAY.
Then, ask your if you think your boyfriend is able to help you reach those goals? Maybe he can, maybe he can't, but a guy who is nearly 30, living with him folks, and on assisted living really isn't capable of providing much of anything. And from the sounds of it, he doesn't sound particularly ambitious or ashamed of his situation. Also, and perhaps most importantly, is that you are not sure what his vision is of you for his future.
So think hard about what you want out of life and the partner you chose. Sometimes we fall into complacency and lose sight of the big picture of what we truly want to make ourselves happy. Settling with someone just because you've invested time into the relationship only compounds the magnitude of the problem.
You are only young once, so don't squander this opportunity to live the life of your dreams.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 So he is 30. Lives with his parents. Has no job and is content with this situation. You have been together 10 years (that's a really, really long time...) and still no more serious than you were when you started. He is lazy and immature. Also you both have very different views on what's right and wrong, accepting GA when you are perfectly capable of finding a job. I couldn't date someone like this in addition to the lack of serious commitment. You can try an ultimatum, I hate those by the way, but tell him you want him to grow up and get serious about this relationship or you are gone. Maybe he will step up, who knows. But don't continue like this... You are an enabler of laziness and immaturity, like his mom is. He needs to know its time to grow up and this behavior won't be tolerated from an adult. If he won't get a job and make a serious committment then move on from the boy and find a man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Have you talked to him about the future and the two of you?
And I assume that you live on your own, so WHY has he never moved in with you? Him staying at home I can see is VERY convenient for him, he's got mom taking care of bills, food and laundry, but at your age I would also assume that anyone would WANT to live with their partner. Have you been hesitant because he doesn't have a job and isn't looking? Or has he just not been interested in moving out?
He is WAY to young to rely in GA. I can understand being on it while looking for a job (ANY job) but just getting on it and not doing anything to find a job? That isn't good.
I would sit him down and have a serious talk. And I would also suggest you have a sit down with yourself and figure out if he really is the guy for you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Hard choices… ten years is a long time… but I can say with my years of experience that a ONE hour distance is very doable.. heck many of us commute around here longer than that daily for work.
He lives with mom
He has in ten years NOT made a permanent commitment to you nor behaved in the manner of an adult… ADULTS move out from mommy and daddy’s home.. ADULTS want to have meaningful relationships with a significant other… marriage, kids, living together, building a life together… a one hour drive is NOTHING…
IF you can be strong enough, I would suggest that you may want to consider that the relationship has served its purpose and run it’s course…
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A
male
reader, justaguy71  +, writes (16 October 2012):
Wow, he sounds like me :-( maybe he has lost confidence to get a job, when u get lots of knock backs you think you cant do anything to get a job! 10 years and no ring? omg, thats a long time, he owes you that at least, and you live an hour away. My wife is leaving me with the kids, still trying to get a damn job, but sometimes you cant pull them out of fresh air. Give him an ultimatum and make sure he knows you are serious! Tell him you would like a ring also for f sake! 10 years, I wasnt even that slack! Good luck ) Justin
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