A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with a woman I can't be with because she is straight. I have accepted this and I'm trying to move on. Over the last week I have been checking dating sites and stuff, but it's no good I'm just not attracted to lesbian women, often they are butch or boyish and when you do find one who is feminine normally she will be looking for a butch or boyish woman. There are also a heck of a lot of bi-curious women looking to experiment. With all this I know I'll never find true love, so I'm going to find a way to make myself straight or at least a-sexual. The whole lesbian community doesn't appeal to me, I don't want to be part of it, I want love but that's not going to happen. So is there anyway I can make myself not feel anything for a woman again? Fulling for someone straight is too painful.I cannot imagine myself in a gay bar and feeling comfortable around masculine women, I adore all things feminine but it seems I am rare and most women love masculine. I'm sad because I feel I have a lot to give, and sure I could try a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to but would that be fair on either of us? I don't think so. Where can I go to try and make myself straight or a-sexual?
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female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 A-sexual, eh? I know just how you feel! Such a lot of bother it can be trying to mixed up or un-mixed up with other people - regardless of sex. I can see you've two of the best here to advise you so I come in just to offer a link I believe you'll enjoy. It's to 'lesbian connection magazine.'
http://lconline.org/default.aspx
I used to get that one all through the 90's before I ever got online out in the sticks where I lived and I'm thrilled to see they have a nice website.
In a town about an hour from where I lived with my husband, there was an alternative bookstore we always liked to visit. It was a lesbian-owned and run business and the owner's dog, a large beautiful malamute, was loved all over town. One day, whilst there with my husband and wearing a long dress and shawl just like an aging hippie, I noticed an issue of LC and took it to the counter to ask what it cost. The owner smiled at me and said, 'It's free for lesbians, honey.' We accepted the mag gratefully.
Later, my husband and I cried with laughter for we both knew the lady had nailed it. Some things never go away and they always show to anyone who knows how to look, no matter at all how one is dressed. I think that's a good thing! You never know which directions life will send you but if you're very lucky, you'll find the kind of people who are no more afraid of the unpredictability of that road than you are. Don't worry about putting yourself in one sexual category; just make certain you stay free to follow your heart and you'll do just fine.
A
female
reader, Drat001 +, writes (15 January 2011):
The other comments are right, you're either not looking in the right places, or you're puting society's limitations into your own mind. I mean, if you're not attracted to masculine, why the heck would you date a man? That's just a huge contradiction in your desires that will only cause you to not enjoy being with your partner if you choose to be with a male. For heaven's sake, don't marry a man if you're not straight in order to make yourself straight!
If you're attracted to femenine but want to be straight, might I suggest finding a trans woman. It sounds silly, but I know some trans women, and it's a cliche that trans women are just gay men who dress as women. Of all the trans women I've ever met, only one likes guys. A trans woman can also be a lesbian. And ALL of the trans women I've met were very femenine, more than I am even. So, you only have to ask is if it's about sex, if you want them to have all girl parts, or natural girl parts, or if it's more about the whole person and their personality.
Don't close yourself off to something because society doesn't tell you that it's what society wants you do do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): My heart goes out to you, truly. Please don't change who you are. Maybe just change your priorities? :) I know that it sucks to be alone but I promise you, The moment you stop caring about it, BAM! A beautiful woman will walk into your life. Isn't that the way the world always works? Call me naive, but I know too many people who have met their significant other the instant they stopped searching and became content on their own.
Why do we play so much into gender roles anyway? Why do so many lesbian women strive to look like the *stereotypical* male? Sigh...
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A
male
reader, Jizzpudding +, writes (15 January 2011):
 i really dont understand why most lesbians go for manly lesbians isnt that borderline looking for a man if she dresses and acts like a man go out with a man. my advice is to try and be who u are even though i think u should try and become straight yet i know its easier said than done....
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A
female
reader, snord +, writes (15 January 2011):
OMG I totally feel you. I am an extremely feminine lesbian and ALWAYS fall for the straight girls! I've actually had quite a bit of luck with "flipping" straight women, so just because she's straight don't immediately rule it out (unless of course she's clearly uncomfortable or sends "back off" signals) because often women are more curious than you think. I also only go for very feminine women. When you look at me walking down the street you wouldn't think that I was a lesbian at all because I don't look like what most people think of as stereotypically lesbian: I wear heels, makeup, designer clothing etc. I also go for women like that. *MY ADVICE to you is actually to check out the more upscale, trendy gay bars in your area. Sometimes the cheap peanuts and beer places can attract a certain type of crowd, while the fancier places can attract lipstick lesbians that enjoy a posh environment. Gay bars don't have only butch women, and all you need is one woman that strikes your fancy. I have also felt a lot of frustration with being a lesbian...As much as I am proud to be one, it is definitely not the easiest path in life. Unfortunately there really isn't a way to force yourself into being heterosexual.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Honey am afraid you cant just make yourself straight, that would be like you trying to be somebody that you are not and you should never change who you are.
Ok there is a stero type that women who are lesbians are butch or masculine but not all of them are and you cant give up. I know it must be hard for you to fall for someone who is straight but you just cant change who you are.
I think you should give gay/lesbian bars a shot. Convince a friend to go along with you and visit a few of the bars you may actually be surprised how many feminine lesbians you will come across and not all of them will be looking for a butch girl. You cant give up you just have to keep searching. I know you are probably at your wits end and you hate feeling the way you do but believe me everyone has stages like this even if they are straight they have stages were they think that no man will ever be the right man for them. But you need to carry on and be who you are.
Goodluck.
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