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female
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anonymous
writes: How do I get to be more independent?I don't like being dependent on anyone and at the weekend, my boyfriend threatened to leave me stranded somewhere. I wouldn't have been able to get home and I was very upset. I ended up begging him and it was quite humiliating. He doesn't like a woman who goes on about anything too much and won't let anything drop and it was because of that. He said I always give him a hard time (I am passionate and strong minded but I don't think I am the way he expresses) He wants a woman who is accepting and calm and I try to be that way.I have suffered before from agoraphobia and used determination to overcome this but sometimes I still fel afraid and anxious.I just want to be more independent. How do I achieve this? I don't have transport or even many friends where I live or family. Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2006): Well your boyfriend sounds like he might like the fact that you depend on him and don't have any independency of your own which puts him in control over you. Safe your pennies put money aside that he does'nt know about and when you have saved enuff purchase a car,it is hard when you don't have friends or family to help but, make some friends try to get a job locally do what ever it takes not to be dependent on him even if it's something little do it yourself if you have to walk places do it don't let him think your so independent on him that you won't suffer and do things you don't want to do because he needs to realize that if he kicked you out of the car that you would get out and walk or get a ride with a stranger which you wouldn't but make him think that and when he realizes your not so dependent on him he may act completely different I assure you,plus You'll feel much better about yourself Good luck! oh and if you believe in god look to the chuches alot of times they will help you!
A
female
reader, purrfectionist84 +, writes (9 January 2006):
 Your boyfriend shouldn't be threatening to leave you stranded anywhere. He knows that you don't have your own transportation, and he is using the threats as a way to punish you for not always being the calm, accepting, passive, non-confrontational push-over of a woman that he wants to be dating. It is extremely childish of him to do so. He needs to realize that you are your own person, and that the woman's role in the relationship isn't to just sit there and agree with her man all of the time! Even when you don't agree, he should be there for you and not threatening to leave you stranded somewhere when he knows that you have no transportation. That's so indecent of him.
The first step toward establishing your independence would be to break up with this guy. Until you have your own transport, you'll need to rely on someone's help to get around, and he isn't the person that you want to be relying on because he will just keep threatening you and making you feel like you have no choice but to keep acting the way he wants you to, in exchange for rides and whatever else you might depend on him for. In reality, you DO have a choice. In life, we always have choices. The key is to realize that we have them, to consciously make them, and to accept the consequences of our choices, whatever they may be.
This relationshis is stifling you. He's making you feel like you can't be yourself, like you need to act the way that he wants you to be all of the time. You're probably so concerned with acting in his favor that you're beginning to feel like you've really lost your sense of independence. You've probably developed an unrealistic sense of dependence on him. You should be proud to be passionate and strong minded. Don't let him manipulate you into being someone that you're not!
If you suffer from agoraphobia, then of course you feel afraid and anxious at times! You're not always going to feel calm and collected. Your boyfriend needs to accept that you have this problem and to be supportive of you while you work hard to overcome it. If he isn't doing these things, then he isn't worth your time.
If you haven't done so already, you should consult with a mental health professional for help with your agoraphobia. (Have you been diagnosed by a psychologist/psychiatrist, or are you self-diagnosing? True agoraphobia is a debilitating condition which needs to be treated so that you can have a more normal life, socially and otherwise.)
You did not mention your age. If you are a teen, then you needn't worry because increased independence will come naturally with age and opportunity. If you are of driving age and you have already obtained a license, then consider putting aside some money every now and then toward your own vehicle. You might also consider public transportation (buses, etc.) in the meantime, but I'm not sure if this is a realistic possibility, depending on the severity of your agoraphobia.
If you are an adult, then you still needn't worry. You can certainly achieve a feeling of independence if you want it badly enough. Just remember that, while there are certain things that you have to depend on others for at the moment, there are many other things with which you can be self-reliant. Consider making a list of all of the things that you can do on your own, without the help of others. You'll be surprised how many things there really are, and you'll feel much more confident about your situation.
Good luck and best of wishes!
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (9 January 2006):
 i think that to get get independant you need to get rid of this guy, it sounds like he just wants a doll not a woman, not to mention the fact that he abusing and using your fear to put you in a position where he has power over you.
as for your agoraphobia like fears maybe a little counselling or talking to the friends that you do have around you.
but if your up to it find out whats happening near by and just on a train and get yourself out there!
good luck :0)
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