A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Sex with my boyfriend has been lackluster. I love him deeply and would never cheat or leave him. I think he feels the same way about me but the sex is not the reason we are together. We both agree that our bond is deeper. The reason I'm writing is because I've begun to entertain the idea of finding another girl for a three way. I am very shy but sexually I am willing to do a lot to please him. His response was no initially but after prodding he admitted it was a turn on but he would only do it if I felt ok about it. I know this would cause some jealousy on my part (and would be a slight turn on as well) but I want to please him so I want to give him one time with another girl so that he can fantasize for awhile. I want to be the "cool" girlfriend and know if I allow things up front he won't cheat behind my back. What I want to know is if anyone has allowed a three way and how has it changed the relationship. We have been together 7 months. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): That's good news OP, I'm glad to hear it. I'm sure he realizes how lucky he is to have a woman willing to go so far to make sure he's sexually and emotionally satisfied.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for their feedback. I had a talk with my boyfriend yesterday about everything mentioned and before I said anything he told me he was a bit put off at my suggestion. He basically went along with it but does not want another woman because he considers himself traditional. I then told him why I had suggested and we mutually agreed that it wasn't right for us. He likes our sex life now and doesn't want to change it so I'm feeling more confident than ever. Thanks to everyone again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): If this is something you really want to do, it's possible. From my experience though, and since you admit you could get jealous, it's a good idea to have rules. If you're connection is as good as you say, make it a 3-way where you have sex with the other chick, and he has sex with you, no contact between the two of them. More than likely he finds the girl-on-girl action the turn on part of a 3-way so he'll still be getting that and you don't have to worry about issues or jealousy arising. I learned this from my 1st 3-way. He ended up doing things with her that were against the rules we'd set up and it caused some major issues and pain in our relationship. The next time we tried it, we did the rules I suggest above and it was a lot better and I was able to look back at it with a smile. Hope that helps.
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (20 September 2010):
 At 7 months it probably isn't a good idea. Actually a 3some isn't a good idea even after 7 years if two of the participants are committed to each other. It's nothing to do with the 3some per se - that may even be an enjoyable experience. It's just that such events can have long-term consequences such as eroding trust and leading to self-doubt.
I would suggest you re-evaluate how you look at your relationship. Being the 'cool' girlfriend shouldn't be a step away from being an ex-girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): Together 7 months, and you're suggesting a ' Threesome ' god, what is the point of being with one-person in a relationship if you are going to want to include others, for what ever the reason you say it is...
At the 7 month stage - IF you are BOTH really into each other, connected with an emotional bond, the SEX should be just getting HOTTER and HOTTER..mind blowing as your emotional bond deepens and you get to know more and more about each others bodies.
And IF you want to please him so much- why not DO just THAT, YOU PLEASE HIM, not invite others in to your relationship, you either have a one-to-one relationship, or have casual sex with people, as that is what you're suggesting. You would be in essence permitting your boyfriend to have casual sex with another female. This NEVER deepens bonds, although some will say it does, but once you break the one-to-one sexual bond, you can never go back, it's done.
You may think you would be GIVING something to your boyfriend, but this is not the best gift...otherwise you are saying to him, you don't mind him having sex with someone else, and once he has, what would be your answer IF he then wants to have sex with other women, besides the one you set up, are you going to tell him he can't, he mustn't, that you don't want him to? If you do this, then you can never TELL him, WHEN or IF he can sleep with anyone else - It would be like opening Pandora's box, once opened a lot more may come to light than you would like.
I know one suggestion from a reader was to spice things up - get books, role play...God, if you have to do all this after 7 months, what would it be like after 2, 3, 5 years, I dread to think...7 months should be the honeymoon stage, and keep growing until about the 2nd or 3rd year, then sex may, ONLY MAY, slow down a bit.
Sorry, but I find it really hard to understand your thought process behind bringing someone else into your relationship, keep fantasy where it belongs...Fantasy!! and the rest has been said by ' Caring Guy '.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): Letting him sleep with another woman purely because you want to please him or prevent him cheating on you is not the right reason at all.
In fact it's just going to blow up in your face.
You're looking for ways to please him to alleviate your own insecurities and you're desperation not to lose him.
He said no the first time, you should have taken this to mean he doesn't want any other woman but you, but instead you're trying to force the issue thinking you know he needs to be with another woman or he'll leave or something. That's not logical at all. Not all guys dream of threesomes and it looks like you found one of those guys. I don't understand why you think he needs this so badly. He has shown you that he doesn't. He has shown you that all he wants is you.
But instead of taking the hint you're trying to force him into the arms of another woman, which is essentially what a threesome is.
Threesomes don't work while in relationships. They only work if it's a fantasy that both partners have dreamt about and they only work if the relationship already has strong, unbreakable emotional bond. They don't work to create that bond, in fact they will just destroy any chance of that bond forming.
You want to be the 'cool' girlfriend but what you're really saying is you're cool with him sleeping with other women.
He can fantasize on his own, he doesn't need your help in that department plus why do you want to give him the fantasy of a real life other woman?
You're actually putting your relationship at great risk with this, you just might give him a taste of what it's like to be with other women and while you might think so, your relationship is definitely not strong enough to survive a threesome.
You're basically asking him to cheat but just to do it in front of you instead of behind your back. That is the opposite of what most people want.
If sex has been lacklustre between you two, then why would you risk bringing in another person with whom the sex he has might be mind blowing? It makes no sense, you don't bring in another woman to fix your sex life, you fix on your own.
You need to rid yourself of the idea of a threesome, he said no because he only wants you and he only admitted it might be a turn on because you've been pressuring him into it and he thinks it's what you want, when if you even have a slight misgiving i.e. jealousy then it's not what you really want.
This is a very, very bad idea. Look for ways to spice up your own sex life without anyone else involved. I assume he's roughly the same age as you, which means he's already had other sexual partners, this means he's already sown his wild oats and isn't missing out on anything. Stop trying to tell him what his fantasies are listen to what he actually wants, which is you. If the sex isn't mind blowing then get more practice with him, experiment with new techniques, costumes, positions, there really is a hell of a lot you can do to improve the sex.
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reader, bubblemaniac  +, writes (19 September 2010):
If you had been together for years and had developed an awesome foundation in your relationship and it was something you were both keen to explore as a dual fantasy type thing then perhaps I would be more open to the idea however, 7 months is not enough time to build that and I too think that it will end in disaster. I think you or your B/F will harbour feelings you don't wanna have including jealousy, resentment, etc and once the boundary is crossed makes it hard to pull back the reigns and stats show that it's usually the male who will want to keep exploring or experimenting with others and the woman becomes insecure and jealous.... Two aspects that shouldn't really be involved in a loving relationship. :)
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 September 2010):
Not a good plan. At all. You've only been together 7 months, and to expect sex to be so incredible without totally understanding each other's needs is premature. Take your time since you have it. One time with another girl might be enough for him to move on with that other girl or something. And just because a man has his way up front, that doesn't mean he won't do it behind your back anyway.
This isn't a good plan, and you'll end up hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): Surely there are other ways to spice things up? Get some books...learn and try new positions, just keep trying new things like that. Go on a romantic holiday. Role play. Bring in toys or anything.
But 3 way?? No ways...Such a bad idea, there's been so many queries on dearcupid about them, and I am yet to see any pros to them. It only brings in insecurities and jealousy. It will damage the strong bond you have, because yes it sounds fine in a fantasy, but reality is way different. He could prefer it with her and you end up out the picture, or he pretends its her everytime you two sleep together from then on. He could cheat, actually it's very likely he will want to stray, no matter what you both think now. Think really hard, I think it's a terrible idea, try come up with other plans like I mentioned at the start, I'm sure he will love that you care so much to suggest a 3some but he should care more about what is best for your relationship!
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 September 2010):
 You are mistaken. I don't think being up front about would make a difference. Allowing him to fantasize about other girls would only lead him to believe that it would be okay for him to be with them, he will likely persuade himself that it'd be alright to cheat on you. That's my opinion on the matter, I cannot be sure that this is the way your boyfriend would think.Threeways don't often end well. Don't invite jealousy into your relationship. It is heartwarming that you wish to please him and he wishes to do well by you so do not ruin it. A relationship is a bond that should not be tampered with and torn apart to invite another person in and just because it is just sex, don't think that there is no chance he will end up being disloyal.I suppose it really depends on how much you trust him to be loyal and devoted to you after this has happened. I hope that helps.
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