A
male
age
41-50,
*elipez
writes:My wife of three years, and I, have been having a rocky marriage. We were trying to have a baby, but it wasn't working due to the stress and arguing.I have a dear friend of 10 years, whom I've never dated, that I know I am in love with. We've never done anything but kiss once years ago. That's it. But we've always felt something very real. Like we're home.I was going to ask my wife for a trial separation. I was making the legal arrangements when she told me she was pregnant.Now, I just want to be there for her and the baby. But I still love the other woman, and she loves me. We want to be together, but I can't just leave my wife when she's pregnant. Should I tell her? When?Thanks for your help.Should I ever tell her of my love for the other woman, and my plans to ask for a separation? I want this baby, but I am in love with another woman. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 September 2010):
I forgot to add - if you are going to leave your wife, I think you should wait until after the baby is born before telling her and going through with it. Yes it is prolonging the lies and dishonesty for longer but I think that in this already messed up situation it's the lesser of two evils. Severe emotional distress can be very detrimental to the pregnancy and the health of the unborn child. Whether or not you stay with your wife, this child is still yours and your responsibility forever so part of that parental responsibility is ensuring his/her health which starts with not traumatizing the pregnant mother. Maybe wait a few months until after the baby has been born and the dust has settled a bit, before telling your wife. Who knows by then things may have changed completely (how does your friend that you love and want to get together with feel about you now having a child with someone else? Will she still want to be with you now?)
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 September 2010):
wow, what a mess. So..you have loved another woman for 10 years while married, but did not resolve that situation - either letting go of your friend or letting go of your wife because it's not fair to your spouse to stay married when you know you love someone else. This alone is a mess.Then you had unprotected sex with your wife even though you did not love her enough to be true to her since you still loved your friend and you were in the midst of filing for separation. This is another mess.I don't think it's necessarily wrong to love another person while married to your spouse, but I do think it is wrong to keep it a secret and not resolve that situation honestly one way or another - letting go of the other person or else letting go of your spouse. Society and religion and 'family values' pressures us to stay married at all costs. I think this actually does a lot of damage to some families and individuals because it forces people to stay in fake situations and live out their lives in a lie. We can't choose who we fall in love with, and not knowing you or your marriage, your spouse could genuinely be a toxic or horrible person. I don't know why the knee-jerk reaction from outsiders is to always assume the spouse is an innocent saint. But nevertheless I think it is wrong to stay in the marriage when you know you don't love your spouse completely and fully and exclusively for whatever reason. It is living in a lie and keeping it a secret.Maybe you realized this and were trying to do the right thing by seeking legal separation. On that I would commend you, but I think you should have discussed it with your wife before getting papers in order. However.Why on earth would you still be trying to conceive a child during this time when you obviously were not invested in your marriage anymore?? And here's another angle: How did you reconcile being in love with one woman (your friend) and having sex with another woman (your wife), let alone with the intent to conceive a child with your wife?Anyway what ever your reasons for doing what you did, it's too late, that can't be undone. So what are your options for moving forward.First option is to truly let go of your friend, from your heart. Stop loving your friend and start loving your wife exclusively. This is best situation for your child, to grow up in a loving 2-parent stable home. However this may not be possible because in matters of the heart we can't always control who we fall in love with especially if you had married the wrong person while your friend really is the "right one" for you, or if you had married for the wrong reasons, or if your wife is a toxic person while your friend is a more normal person. So this option, while the one that society endorses for obvious reasons, may not work realistically speaking. So what then? If you can't truly stop loving your friend and truly love your wife for real, which sounds like may be the case if you have loved your friend for TEN YEARS, then I believe you should divorce your wife out of respect for her and out of honesty. If you've loved this friend for 10 years it may be a real significant love which is truly heartbreaking and life altering to give up. But marriage means loving your spouse exclusively from the heart not just keeping up appearances while harboring secret feelings and longings for someone else. Therefore if you truly have tried and still can't love your spouse exclusively, then you shouldn't be married to that person. You can and should always be a responsible father to your child, just that you shouldn't remain married to your child's mother if you truly don't love her (whether or not there is someone else that you love). A loveless marriage is a sham of a marriage, how can that be healthy for your child? Not only is it wrong to and disrespectful to deceive your wife indefinitely by remaining married to her while your heart belongs to someone else, but on the practical side it may over time manifest itself in ever increasing emotional distance between you and your wife leading to more marriage problems and an unhappy environment for your child to grow up in. Many people say the right thing to do is to stay married at all costs for the sake of your child. But, what they fail to consider is that this may not result in a stable or healthy environment for the child. Your child will grow up thinking that a normal marriage is where husband and wife are emotionally detached and live separate lives in the same house at best, or worse are hostile to each other. and that is the real tragedy. Your child may have difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult because people tend to mimic the relationships they saw when growing up and use those as subconscious role models.Not to mention, if you can't truly love your wife exclusively which is the way marriage should be (because it is what creates healthy home environments), it may become a huge psychological burden on you to remain married to someone you don't want to be with, while not being with the one you truly love. Depending on how deeply this affects you. Only you know the extent to which you love your friend versus your wife or how bad things are with your wife whether or not there is someone else in the picture. Being extremely unhappy for a long period of time or having clinical depression can result in very real negative consequences in your life. You could lose your ability to function properly in your job (leading to losing your job) or as a parent.It is tricky that marriage, especially where there are kids involved, is the one human relationship where it's not enough to just "do the right thing" in a cookie cutter manner, but your heart must be sincerely in it as well and not just going through the motions for the sake of being able to say you're doing what everyone says is the right thing. If your heart isn't sincere, it will show in some way and you will not be doing a good job and that can translate to real negative effects on your child and wife not just on you. Despite trying to do what everyone says is "the right thing to do." At risk of sounding preachy again, that is why it was a very bad idea to have not resolved your love life long ago (letting go of your friend or else letting go of your wife). And an even worse idea to have been having unprotected sex with your wife while you were not invested in your marriage and furthermore were still in love with your friend. But since the past can't be undone, now your options as I see it are to either change your heart so you can be sincere and honest when you stay in your marriage, or else if you can't change your heart then be honest and leave your wife and make alternate arrangements for how you will raise your child in separate homes.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (28 August 2010):
I just don't have sympathy for one who thinks of them self. asking us for our advice! when you should be sitting down w/ your wife and talking to her about it. leaving her in the dark and saying you are in love w/another. you know what i think the not knowing only if she knew and your thoughts as well. so she can move on..............
im not a *itch just realistic!!! and i live in the real world how about you?
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A
male
reader, Felipez +, writes (26 August 2010):
Felipez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Practical,
thanks for the advice. Yes, I've been seeing a therapist. The marriage is salvageable, and I want to do the right thing here and stay with her to work on it... but it's been constant work from day one the past three years. She is belittling, mean, distant and doubts all of my ideas, and it finally wore my love down, even while we were in therapy together... death by a thousand cuts. But I want to be here for the baby. Is it even worth it to tell her at all? Why cause her so much pain when we're in such a sensitive position? Thanks for the thoughtful advice.
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A
male
reader, Felipez +, writes (26 August 2010):
Felipez is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear "Anonymous", you've obviously never met me or my wife, so keep your projections to yourself, you're not good at this. Everyone else, thank you for not attacking me, but for giving me helpful advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): let me get this straight ,
- you have been having an affair (yes with your dear friend, therefore you have thrown away your marriage, the emotions, the time invested, all amounts to an affair so don't fool yourself into thinking that you have not strayed).
- without your wifes knowledge you have been legally seperating from her so that you could fly into the arms of your one true love!!!!!!!! wow, what a husband, all the secret and the treachery involved! i am sure your lady love was always kept in the loop and your darling wife was non the wiser with your intentions to dump her.
- if you are sooooooo much in love with your lady love, why still have sex with your wife. did the wife force you, were you under duress? did she pressurise you for sex. realise this, you made up your mind to dump her, you were planning to destroy her life and spring this seperation on her without her having any idea how aweful you can really be. deceitful and strategic and conniving.
- now an innocent kid is on its way and you are in a bind. what does your lady love say. i am sure you ran to her with the news that your wife is now pregnant and that BOTH your plans are a bit messed up. what decent woman plays around with a married man?? ask yourself this question.
- no wonder your marriage is in the state it is. all that arguing and the fights and the moodiness. you were no tinvesting in your marriage. you were bitching to this lady love and gossiping about your wife to her. you were betraying your wifes confidence by discussing her with your lady love and YOU contributed to the breakdown and the destruction of your marriage because YOU replaced your wife in your life with this other woman.
- so what now. go on with your legal seperation plans. after all you want another woman. so your wife will be devastated. BUT she will survive, she will make it without you by her side. she will bring this bundle of joy into HER life and she will cherish it and love this baby. and after a while she will move on and she will find a man who will love her, honour her and respect her. .........while you look on as an outsider, look as another man rears your child and makes your wife smile again.
you do not need a crystal ball to see into your future. you do not need to be a physic to see how your life will pan out.
so you want a baby, but just not with the wife. not a big deal. release your wife from your burden, after all, you have replaced her already. then run along to your dear friend, who has always been a 3rd party in your marriage. yes play happy homes with her and breed tons of kids with her. makes no difference. when your wife's kid is all grown up, one day you will have to answer to him/her why you abondoned him/her for your lady love.
i fully agree with Oregongrl1, tell you wife your plans (how you connivingly had the legal seperation in order) , about the other womanin your life FOR 10 YEARS, and that you were leaving her for your dear friend. you will agree your wife deserves better.
you will have noticed i did not tell you to stay with your wife, did not tell you what your role and responsibility is as a husband and father, did not tell you not to leave your wife, i did not tell you how wrong you are. i chose not to tell you all this because in your case it would not have made any difference. WHY? Beacuse you have revealed your character already, the fact that you have made all the arrangements for the legal seperation, (without your wife having a clue of your intentions or how bad the state of the marriage is, or the existence of aa third party) means that you will do whatever YOU want. not do what is right but do what you want. so i would have wasted my precious time advising anything else.
it is a pity you will miss the birth of your baby, that very moment it is born, that very moment when the doc puts that baby in its fathers arms is a life changing experience. its too bad you would never experience this feeling. too bad you will never feel that baby try to hold on to your finger. a baby is a treasure, it is a bond bet 2 people that is so special. it is a scary time questioing yourself and asking, am i going be to a good dad/parent. life changing but worth every moment.
choose wisely man, you may not get that chance again.
- LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 You definitely have to tell your wife. You said you're marriage was rocky, do you know why that is? Are you confident that fixing it is impossible? Is there no love at all for you wife right now? A baby is no reason to stay in a relationship with no love between you, it's not fair for your wife and it's not fair for your child. The choice is yours. Either fix your marriage (you know it's possible) or tell your wife that you have feelings for another woman and get a divorce. In EITHER case, you HAVE to be there for your wife, either as a husband or as a friend, depending on which choice you make.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (26 August 2010):
Yea tell her it is not fair to her! that way she can move on w/ her life! and find her a real man!!! you and the other woman deserve each other. and you can have tons of babies w/ her.
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A
female
reader, Practical  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 If u are in love with this other woman why did u get married to your wife?
please visit a therapist! divorce is a major leap to be taken without real professional help especially in your situation.. such a leap would break your neck or move u to the other happy side ! maybe you are confused about your feelings due to the problems related to trying to get pregnant.
We can't make the decision for you. You are responsible for your life. However, I kinda feel like even when u get a divorce and get together with your friend.. in few years when u have your problems with her, u will leave her for another woman or even your ex-wife.
work on yourself first. figure out what u REALLY want. Don't make decisions based on your whims and confused analysis of problems.
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