A
male
age
41-50,
*aaaaaaa
writes:Im extremely conflicted. I have recently met the girl of my dreams, she is kind, funny, smart, and i find myself more relaxed around her than most other people in my life. We share, interests, and i feel a GENUINE connection between us.She originally had a boyfriend of two years, and when i first met her i didn't think i had a chance to break that relationship. But after about 3 months, she broke up with him. The problem is, since she just came out of this long , stifling relationship, she wants to remain single (at least for the next couple of months till she comes back from Italy). However, despite this, we still spend a lot of time together, frequently make out, and have had sex about four times. Its extremely frustrating when i only want the relationship to progress, while she wants to keep it low key. But recently we have been seeing eachother less and less (as a result of her being so busy). Whenever i'm not with her, i feel anxious and paranoid about her not liking me anymore. She also has a very close male friend (they talk daily, and hangout very often), and i am EXTREMELY paranoid that she is messing with him on the side.What do i do??!
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female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 If she would see you retracting a bit as a "way out" then you need to let her take that out. You have no options that allow for forcibly "turning this relationship around". You can only respect her wishes, be as appealing a friend as possible, and hope for the best.
As for how you stop, you just do. It may be your habit to call and text every day, but if she wants space, then you need to break that habit. Text and call only when you have something interesting to say to her--cut way down on the "hey, how are yous?" because she won't be enjoying them and every time you approach in a way that she doesn't enjoy, she WILL be looking for a way out. You have to trust that if you are good together, she will come to you. If she doesn't, then you probably aren't.
The old adage of "if you love something set it free; if it comes back to you its yours. If it doesn't, it never was" has been around for so long because it IS true. You can't hold her tight and keep her. Let her make her own choices.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, aaaaaaaa +, writes (20 May 2007):
aaaaaaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for the advice, i really appreciate it.
I realize I have to give her space, but how? I see her every day at school, im in habit of calling and texting her daily... i feel like i've gone too far, and receding myself would only give her a "way out".
We had an incredible spark at the beggining of the relationship, but i feel its slowly fading... I need to turn this relationship around!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 You seem to really like this woman. She told you the terms of the relationship and now it's bothering you. I can also understand why, including the other male friend. It's possible they are more that just friends, but it's out of your control.
You described her past relationship as stifling and also stated she wants some time to be free of a "real" relationship. Well, this is the time. You can't force her to be with you. That will turn her off more than anything.
The only thing you can do is let her know how you feel about her. This could blow up on you though as it might force her to make a choice quickly and you could lose. You also don't want to appear to be too clingy as she already told you she doesn't want to be too close to anybody right now.
More than anything, I'd be wondering about the other guy friend and her desire to be single while in Italy. She's been honest with you so you can't fault her for this. It a tough place for you to be in, it makes you feel helpless as this unfolds. Try to be strong though and she'll go where her heart desires. That is love.
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (18 May 2007):
What you do is take a deep breath and take about two steps back. This is very much one of those situations where the harder you grab on, the more slippery she is going to become. No woman who is as intelligent as you know this woman to be would get deeply involved in a new relationship so close on the heels of a long term relationship ending. It isn't healthy and it doesn't often work out. She is very sensible to take some time to center herself and enjoy her independence. That you talk about paranoia and 'breaking' her previous relationship is worrying in regards to how you see this woman and a relationship with her. Relationships aren't end goals--you don't strive and strive to 'get' someone and then you win. Every day, you make a choice to be with someone. Every day, you need to be someone she wants to be around, and vice versa. If you become that guy who jealously makes her account for every moment she spends with her friend and demands more and more of her time and affections, she will not want to spend any time at all with you. Because there is nothing fun about paranoia and jealousy. Back off. Give her the space she has said she wants. Be open to spending whatever time you can with her; in the meantime, fill YOUR time with other things you find enjoyable, so you do a little less obsessing on having her.Best of luck.
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