A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:what should i make of this?I am in an understanding with this guy i have met online one and half years ago and tho we have not met in person yet,cos i live in asia and he in the US,(we have plans to meet this year)we had an understanding to be exclusive and to see if we really can move forward when we meet.we say i love you to each other. anyway,i feel he is keeping some things from me. ie, i dont have his home address,everytime i ask him for it, he always claim he does not know his address yet(he just moved there), dont have his home tel. number,(claims he does not have a landline),has recently lost his cellphone and has not yet found time to get a new one. so i just call him at his office even tho it makes me feel uncomfortable specially when his office mates answers the phone for him.I know that these are red flags i had made up my mind to give him the benefit of the doubt till i meet him in person. but the other day I called his office and his ex wife whom he claims he hates and not love anymore answered the phone. She sounded okay and handed the phone to him.but..i felt his awkwardness in talking to me..he was trying to sound as if we have not spoken for a long time..and was trying to be soooooo casual in talking. I asked him if i am making him uncomfortable and he said yes. so i said I got it and said my bye bye and asked him to buzz me on yahoo when he has the time.the next day, i got an offline message from him. telling me that he resented that i was trying to push him to talk to me when i know that his exwife was there. told me tht he didnt want to discuss his personal life in front of him but i was not even trying to discuss anything personal.he was obviously mad at me, and made me feel i have done something wrong. furthermore his last word is "'there are plenty of men out there, you dont need me".I dont know why he can just easily dismiss me like that when he had told me he love me and that he wanted a future with me..I think he really is not over his exwife.I dont understand why he seem scared to let his wife know that he is starting to live his own life.he is very open about us with his workmates. he does not feel uncomfortable talking even when his workmates and his sons are around but why uncomfortable when ex wife is there..?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiona big thank you to both of you for replying and believe me had it not been me,I would give the same advice.To Dr.Psych I am aware of the problems an online relationship may create.But i believe that it is just at much as problematic as when meeting someone in a pub or anywhere else.I have been there too. And at my age I really didnt want to play the bar scene anymore and also in Asia most men are only out to play the field.meet a woman sleep with her and then byebye.I do believe that there are still good people online like me who are genuinely looking for love. I have several friends(including and aunt who got married last December)who are now happily married to guys they met online.I also have male online friends who had confided in me that they had met the one and will get married.Three of them just did marry the girl they had met online.With this man, i do believe he is genuinely looking for love.He always stress it when we talk and admitted to me that he is somehow doubtful and suspicious of women's motives in wanting to marry him.(he is quite well off and own his own business,just started a new business hence he cant fly to meet me. but we did have plans to meet in August either here where i reside now, or in my country, or the US.)His ex wife had treated him badly,taken him to the cleaners, his sons and brother told me this.that is why he is very cautious.He recently had depressions.All of these I am aware of.he admitted that he even doubt me.That maybe I am just nice to him now but will turn into like his exwife afte we marry.I must admit it is getting quite tiring in having to convince him that I am different from his ex.
I have tried to talk to him bluntly and had asked him several times about what he wants in this relationship. I have also told him that I dont really want to waste time if he is just leading me on.But he plead with me to be more patient and give him a chance to straighten all his responsibilities and then everything will be better.he made me promise I am not going to entertain any more guys and he promised to do the same.in all honesty, i do believe him.I dont know why but I do but yeah i do see the red flags..those ludicrous excuses..i was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt..wanted to meet him in person and see what he really is like.
I have also told him the same thing, that he maybe pulling away and he might be using this as an excuse so that i will stay away on my own and so he is free from guilt.He finally succeeded because I really is in no mood to start the talk with him..my heart had been wanting to call him and talk it out but my mind had said No. and No it is going to be.he may be pulling away, he may be whatever ...but I am not going to accept it no more..
I think that i do love him but i am not accepting being his "fill in his time girl". and I will not cower in the presence of his ex.
Again I thank you both for your advice..
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 'there are plenty of men out there, you dont need me'...I would take his advice...no really, the man is doing you a major favour. Internet relationships risk turning into a disaster because you don't really know the person and you are allowed to focus on their best bits without having to deal with the day to day drudge of living with them (faults and all). You have considered yourself to be in a relationship with a man you have never met and you base the relationship on your internet correspondence and phone calls. It is just not enough and there is a need for real life contact and proper dates to get to know someone properly. I am not saying internet dating can never work but more often than not it can put you at risk of all sorts of complications. One reason is that there are people who use the net to meet people because they have no other way of relating to others, and they are frankly a bit messed up. They can be internet addicts with 100's of MSN virtual buddies that compensate for something lacking in their real-world lives. The internet is a great platform for deceit because a person (such as your internet boyfriend) can say anything to you and you just have to accept that as you have no way of verifying things. You have already caught him out on a few things - his reluctance to give you his address or home phone number is a great alarm bell. You know about his ex-wife? How about the wife or girlfriend and 6 kids he may have at that home address? If he really loved you then he would have made the effort to get on a plane to asia by now and he would be giving you every means of contacting him possible. I think you already know something is wrong here so why waste your time on this man when, as he says, there are many out there who will treat you much better.
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (18 May 2007):
 Oh, sweetie. I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. I have actually had the long-distance, online only relationship so I know how very intense the feelings can be and how very badly things can go when one person starts to pull away.And make no mistake...your man is pulling away, if he isn't fully away yet. It is NOT normal for a man who is in an exclusive relationship with you to not give you his home address or phone number. His excuses are ludicrous. Even when you just move to a new place, you can walk outside and look at your door to get your address. No one in the States is without a phone of some sort--seriously. No one. My grandparents live out in farm country and they have two lines I can reach them on. He is blocking your access to him, when he can't control that access. You can only talk to him online when he is online and visible to you, yes? He is in control.I don't know if he is contemplating a renewed relationship with his ex-wife or not. I don't think that that is important. It may be the stress of finally coming up on making this relationship with you more real by meeting in real life that is causing him to pull away, but he is. No man who is in love with a woman and wants to be with her would tell her that "'there are plenty of men out there, you dont need me". Those are the words of a man who want you to leave him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work.Talk to him. Have an open, blunt conversation about what he wants from the relationship. Tell him you want the access to him that all girlfriends would have--the ability to call or write or even surprise visit--or you don't want this 'relationship'. You have more control than you think.Best of luck.
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