A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel more like my girlfriend's mental health carer than her boyfriend. I never relised she would need to go to cousoling and take anti-depressents. I spend most days trying to cheer her up for one reason or another and it's bringing me down. I've been trying to make her feel better for years but it keeps going wrong again. I want out but feel she'll be devistated if I leave her. What can I do? Also, if I tell her that this is the reason, I worry she might feel like she won't find anyone who's been as patient with her as I have.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Hi again :)
Anti depressants are a short term ( or should be ) band aid solution. It will not cure depression. It will not "fix" her. But it can help her overcome some of the worst "peaks" in the depression, IF she takes them like prescribed.
I know you genuinely care for her, but her mental health is not your financial responsibility. She might however be suffering from something way more severe then depression.
Be as honest with her as you feel you can. There really is no benefit from telling her that she is pulling you into her depression.
I wish you good luck and her better mental health in the future. The break up ca put her further into depression, but it might also be what she needs to look into herself and work on herself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. All really good an encouraging. It was good to hear that leaning may force her to get herself sorted out in some way.Anonymous male reader and k_c100 aren't agreeing on what I should tell her as the reason for me leaving. It would probably be easier for me to be honest and also she might not believe me if I lie to her but then again it will be easier for her to deal with if I blame it on other reasons. I'm still not sure which way to go.The situation is a bit harder than k_c100 said though. You said "If she is on anti-depressants and seeing a concillor then she is clearly taking the steps she needs to get better". Unfortunately my girlfriend decided that she doesn't want the anti-depressants anymore (her doctor and I disagree with that) and says the NHS won't give her any more time with a concillor because you are limited by how much time you can have with one. It was about a year ago that she saw her counselor. I'm looking for private counselors now but I don't know if I can afford it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2009):
Obvioulsy neiher of you two are happy. You do need to have a sit down with her and tell her how you feel. You both deserve happiness.
You can NOT be respensible for HER ACTIONS. But you can be there for her as a friend til you feel you can let go.
The longer you wait the worse it's going to get.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Well of course she will be devastated, regardless of whether she has mental health problems or not any normal person is devastated when a long term relationship ends. I think your main concern is not that she will be devastated, more that you are worried what she might do to herself if you leave.
If she is on anti-depressants and seeing a concillor then she is clearly taking the steps she needs to get better - therefore there is less chance of her doing something drastic if you leave her. You need to be brave here - I think you are using her depression as an excuse for not leaving her. If you want out - then just do it. Simple as that.
One thing though, dont tell her it was because of her depression. This will make it so much worse - I suggest you just say you no longer feel the same way about her anymore and feel you need to move on from the relationship because you are just not happy anymore. This is not an outright lie and it will save some heartache on her part - if you say it is down to the depression you will end up making her feel worse.
It will probably be for her own good if you do leave - I know you may feel like you are her only support and that she may do something terrible if you leave but in reality being in a relationship is not what she needs when she is recovering from depression. She needs to learn to deal with this herself with the help of her councillor, she needs to get out of the cycle/situation that she is in, and by you leaving, this will thrust her right out of her current situation and into a new place. In a way you will be helping to keep her in this depressed state (not intentionally of course) - she knows you are there to pick her up whenever she needs you to and you are permanently walking on eggshells trying not to upset her. So in essence she is stuck in this state of depression with you, and by you leaving it will help her to get out of it.
So if you are not happy and are 100% certain you want to leave then I think you are doing the right thing. If you can, try and contact her friends and family just before you do end it and explain that the relationship is over and that you are worried for her. This way there will be a few people looking out for her and will make sure she doesnt do anything silly.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This can be common issue of a boyfriend who doesn't want to leave his girlfriend because he's scared of what she might do. If you really want to break up with her then tell her that. Tell her how you can't handle this anymore, break her down nicely and continue to help her but as a friend. Just because she might feel devastated it doesn't mean that you have to suffer for it. I mean people make risky decisions when it comes to love but you shouldn't spend the rest of your life with her if you no longer have strong feelings for her. She must understand. You also mentioned she goes counseling, maybe if you spoke to her counselor about you wanting to leave her and ask him/her for any help. You can't waste your life with someone you don't love anymore, I think you've done enough for her. Good luck, sorry that you had to go threw this.
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