A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I live with my fiance of 2 years (we been together for 6) and our 4 year old daughter. We own a house, live a quite life. I have recently realized I am not happy! My entire family lives 14 hours by car away. He is an only child with only his father living. I want out, but I fear it will hurt my daughter.Do I stay in this relationship? I want my daughter to know her aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents. I have asked him to move with me, he says no. He doesn't want to end up like me... Unhappy and alone.Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): I am the OP:I wouldn't be moving closer to my mother, I would be moving farther away. Closer to my father and step-mother. Thank god!If fact, last week my mother's landlord called me (I am 1200 miles from her) but he needed to let someone know she is not well. DUH!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): I am the OP here is background to my situation:
I moved 14 hours away from my family and friends running away from the "Ex" six years ago. He thought he got a girl pregnant (right before we met, one night stand). I was even there when his daughter was born. We were young and I wanted him to get a patrnity test done. He wouldn't so I ran away. I couldn't love this child like my own only to find out she wasn't his (which she isn't, he only found out two years ago). So I left, he got with the baby's momma, they lived together for 6 months it didn't work out, but they were pregnant again. So now he has two children (the second one is his, he still claims his daughter and I don't blame him).
I met my fiance 3 months after moving here and we hit it off. Eight months later I found out I was pregnant (I remember telling my ex, we still stayed in touch occasionally, he told me his heart was broken). I decided to keep the baby and stay with my now fiance. We own a home, live a quite life.
Over the past two years my fiance and I have had some rough times. Feb '07 his 61 year old mother (he is an only child. They had him very late in their lives) had back surgery. She was to come home in 5 days she didn't wake up for 5 days and she didn't get out of the hospital for 16 weeks. Then she was still very sick at home. I get a new job April '07 as Advertising Director for large corporation. Two months go by and she is back in the hospital for open heart surgery July '07. She recovers and is doing well at home. Aug '07 I collapse at a race track north of where we live. I have to have surgery on my gall bladder, they say I am lucky to be alive. At the same time they tell me I am pregnant. YIKES! They do not want to wait to do surgery as my gall bladder is that bad. I say yes to the surgery, but ask about what it will do the the baby. They can not give me any answers because they usually don't do surgery during the 1st trimester. I end up terminating the pregnancy on Sept 11th '07. My fiance and I weren't sure what to do about the complications that could/would happen from the surgery. We made a decision, I am OK with it (some days). Things are as good as can be expected. We are making it through. So I thought. April '08 I go back home to see my little bro finally graduate from College. My crazy mother (More Background: My mother (who is was a drug addict) mentally and physically abused me and my bro until I turned 14 and my father got custody of us. I have seen and been around things and people "normal" people only see on TV) came with me on the 14 hour trip. She is abusing her meds and is passed out most of the time. It's better than her trying to get me to think I am crazy. Two weeks after the trip my mom calls me (she lives out on the east coast) and tells me she thinks I need to get home right now. Something bad in happening to my daughter (I had just left for my once a week "Girls night out"). I told her to shut up and left it at that. She called the next day and told me my fiance has "hit" on her (she has only been to my house 5 times in 6 years.) For six months I don't speak to her. She accused my fiance of doing "something" to my daughter and that he made sexual advances toward her. My great aunts passes away fall of '08 I decide to try and talk to my mother, realizing that life it too short. Nov 10th 2008, I go to my soon-to-be in-laws house to drop off my daughter, my soon-to-be mother-in-law is going to babysit for a few hours. I find her on the kitchen floor, barely breathing. I call 911. She doesn't make it. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. WATCHING SOMEONE FIGHT FOR LIFE HAS CHANGED ME ON A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL! I try to carry on, for my fiance and his father, my daughter. I know this is not the right time to explain how much I want to move home and be closer to my family. I know it's not the right time to tell him, but going through his mother's passing only made me want my family more.
Fast forward to now: I had to go home (my step-mother almost bleed to death, my 83 year old grandpa is in the hospital (diabetes) and his wife, my grandma is being flown to a bigger town to have open heart surgery) over the New Year's holiday. I ended up at my ex's house. We talk and I realize I have let this lie I am living go on too long. I am horrible. Why didn't I end it sooner? I looked for the right time to talk to my fiance. Then as I was driving back to my charade I realized there would never be a "right" time.
I have talked with my fiance about not being happy. He told me he thinks we should just be happy where ever we are, I asked him to move. He said NO.
I know that right now is not the right time to move to another state, with the economy so bad. How do I make it through this time with my fiance. I am screwed up!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (27 January 2009):
 I think the anonymous female who replied to your question has summed it up quite well really.
I think compromise is essential in any relationship, without it there is always tension and arguments as you will NEVER agree about everything. That is just a fact of life.
Your daughter is 4 and not 14 and believe me she is a lot more resiliant than you give her credit for.
You have a closer family and you want to be a part of that again, sounds to me like he is the one who is making you un happy and alone. The thing is if he didn't have you and his daughter in his life he would be exactly what he has said to you LONELY and ALONE.
You are looking for fun and fulfillment in your life and that is not a crime to want that.
Talk to him about getting some counselling to try and resolve your differences to a mutually satisfactory outcome, if he refuses then you cannot blame yourself for not trying to make the relationship work and in later years you can also explain to your daughter that mummy really did try everything to make daddy part of your family but as he had his own issues to deal with he really couldn't cope with the counselling.
Children DO pick up on atmosphere and arguments so don't think for one second she doesn't realise what is going on around her, my daughter was 3 when I realised I had enough of my relationship, by the time he found someone else to live it was almost 10 months later, he moved out in the June and she started school at 4 and a half in the September, she still saw her daddy every day though as we worked together but he will have to step up to the plate if he wants to be a part of his daughter's life as he cannot blame you for moving 14 hours away if he is not prepared to move heaven and earth to see his daughter. The ball really is in his court, but think about all of your options first of all before you make the move.
Also I would advise you to put some plans into action or get your organised for whatever fallout there will be once you make your final decision, i.e. where you and your daughter are going to live and also who has legal custody of your daughter as I know it is different in the States to the UK. Whose surname does she carry, all the legalties first of all and can he demand that you stay in the same State or something, check out your rights and whether he is legally obliged to provide financial support for your daughter.
Let us know how you get on eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
Wish you all the very best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): well there should be some type of compromise i mean even if you guyz have to move like 7 hours from both places or whatever but if your not happy then no you should not stay i mean yes your daughter but think about how much worse its going to be for her later if all you guyz do is fight and bicker because your not truly happy just cause you have kids does not mean you should stay together and honestly if he doesnt understand how you feel and want to compromise in some sorta way then he is being selfish and you dont deserve that your happiness should come first!!! why would you want to live the rest of your life in a relationship that never made you happy trust me my husbands parents did it and all he can rememeber from his childhood is how his parents use to fight and argue and they were never lovey dovey never anything good. anyhow if hes not the one for you then there are alot more fish in the sea you should tell him either he compromises with you or youll leave and if he really loves you and cares about the way you feel then he will if not then he dont deserve you!!!but if you do leave him just make sure that you always do your best to still make him apart of your daughters life!!!!GOOD LUCK!
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