A
female
age
36-40,
*etobe
writes:Hey Everyone, So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and he's brought up us moving in together. I come from a background where my family believes its meet a guy,fall in love,engage,marry then move in. Whereas my boyfriend is from a western background where people move in together before they are married. I was thinking this is something I should speak to my parents about, as their blessing matters to me. I'm a bit lost and unsure how moving in together can help us grow as a couple.My bf thinks I'm old enough to make my own decision. Advice? Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 There will be plenty of occasions for you to consider your boyfriend’s wishes AFTER you get married... But now is the time for you to stick with tradition; fall in love, engage, marry then move in.
This step of moving in is not the same as a marriage commitment in the eyes of your parents’ tradition? Growing as a couple has a time and a place and I agree with them.
The west can be seen as having fast food, fast cars, fast dating, fast moving in, fast divorces… I prefer, food for thought, fast cars, even pace dating, slow moving in, and long lasting marriages.
Whatever your adult age is, it is just a number! Yet your values, and wanting your parents blessing does not change at any age? It’s how you’ve been bought up to honour your parents.
Here it’s the clash of East meets West that they are perhaps concerned about when it comes to moving in after a year. Not the growing as a couple in marriage forever after. To grow as a couple you don’t necessarily need to move in, you’re doing that each day… Here you have your first test as a couple, discussing moving in… (Let’s see how he behaves IF he doesn’t get his way?)
Although by physically moving in, you will fast-forward everything, and quickly recognise that person’s character flaws which you must learn how to communicate on a different level to achieve harmony. IF he proves to be unworthy of you, you have the option of going through the emotional mess stress of leaving.
I say, it would be best he honour you, your parents values for a little while longer, because if he doesn’t he is not respecting them too be their future son-in-law.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2016):
 You are old enough to make your own decisions and choices in life. So ask yourself is moving in with your boyfriend really what you want? If it is talk to your parents about how you feel and see what they have to say. It is hard for couples who come from two different cultural backgrounds, but you both need to do what makes you happy, at the end of the day it is your life. Yes your parents and his have different beliefs but you should follow your own beliefs.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (26 April 2016):
'My bf thinks I'm old enough to make my own decision'
And he's quite right, but that means exactly that - it's YOUR decision, not simply that you should do what he wants rather than what your parents want. You say you feel lost and confused, so what you need to do is work out whether that is purely because you are worried what your parents will say or whether it's because you are not sure it's something you want to do.
I also think it's wise to speak to your parents about it before you decide anything. Firstly you can gauge their reaction, and secondly you will prove that you are mature enough to involve them in your decision making process. You never know, they might surprise you and be a bit more open minded than you think.
And finally, I think you should consider the reasons for moving in together and ask your boyfriend what his are too. I was with my ex for 6 years and he wanted me to move in with him after being together for about 3 years, yet every time I asked him whether he thought it would lead to marriage and children he would change the subject or dismiss me with a 'of course we'll do all that one day but what's the rush?'
After 6 years I still didn't have my answer so I ended the relationship and you know what? He recently admitted to me that he was never sure I was the one. So what he was really saying was he liked the idea of being able to split the bills and have sex every night, but had no intention of committing to a future with me. Thankfully I didn't move in with him, but it would have been a hell of a lot worse if I had. So I'd definitely make sure you both know what your expectations are for the future then you can take it from there.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (26 April 2016):
I was in a very similar situation as you. Boyfriend (now husband) is western, and my family is conservative, although I was born in the west so have many western values. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend, and I honestly believe that it was the best decision. Because so many marriages end up in divorce or misery. Living together was a test of our bond. It was unlike just dating. Many more issues came up, and it was very tough for awhile, but we made it through. Then we got married, and I know that ours will be a lasting marriage. The only thing I regret, was how I handled things with my parents. I sprang it on them suddenly and made them very unhappy. It took a long time to mend those wounds.
You sound unsure about what you want to do. Sounds like you're only paying attention to what your parents and boyfriend want. Try to set those aside and think about what you yourself want.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (26 April 2016):
Hi Metobe,
Your parents are right !!!!
My Grandmother told me this bit of truth as a teen...."Come visit me and come live with me, are two completely different things."
You have only known him for a year, and you are so infatuated with him you think "sure why not".
Let me ask you this...Most marriages that end in divorce...are the couples living in separate homes??? No, they are living together. My point is...put two different personalities in the same home, and the test begins. As a boyfriend, he can walk away very easily, with no consequences, except your broken heart and ton of expenses. As a husband, he is more willing to work things out, talk about things. Which do you prefer??
Think of the long term... you leave your parents to live with him and things don't workout...then what??? You go running back to your parents asking to move back in?? If I was your father...HELL NO !!! You let your boyfriend talk you into going against a wise decision, then he can get you out of it.
He is ONLY your boyfriend...for how long? Any man who tells you to go against your parents, is not the right man for you...trust me.
The right man would respect your parent wishes, and do everything in his power to prove to them, he is the man for you.
Here is a very simple rule in choosing a man... Choose him based on how HE himself treats and respects his own parents.
If he goes against your parents, he has no problem going against his own parents.
Nothing worse than a child who goes against their parents, and then find out they were right all along, and have to come back home in shame because you cannot make it on your own.
The man you move in with MUST prove himself, and his values to you, and your parents.
There is no rush to live together. If your are to be married until death do you part, what's the rush for???
When you move out, let be for the man who puts the ring on your hand.
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