A
female
age
30-35,
*ErFD0g
writes:Hi I have a little bit of a dilemma...I am 16, nearly 17 and am sexually active (I live in the UK) I have been with my boyfriend with 10 months and we have only ever had sex with eachother and we only did it after about 7 months.We did it for all the right reasons, we love eachother, we were both ready and wanted to become one. BUT I want my mum to know, she loves him, but only thinks we have ever kissed, she is incredibly naeve about our relationship and would be so shocked if I was to tell her. But I want her to know! What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 If my original response is one of those you were referring to in your 'different morals' follow up then you've misunderstood me.
I did not state or imply that you had done anything wrong, merely that you had done something that, according to you, your mother won't approve of. My point was simply that if she won't approve and if she doesn't have any say in it, then why shove it in her face? That amounts to nothing more than a 'Just so you know, I'm sexually active. If you don't like it, that's too bad.' Again, what is the point?
You can have an open and healthy relationship without vomitting out every detail of your life. You don't show your mum the toilet bowl before you flush, do you?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 Of course it is great to have an open truthful relationship with your mom. The problem is that apparently you don't have one, and that your family is not as open as you say.
Otherwise what the big deal would be ? You are of legal age, you are in a steady relationship, you feel you made the right choice, your mom does not disapproves of teen sex, everything is fine. All you'd have to do would be to say : " You know , mom, I don't know if you imagined it already, anyway I and John some time ago have decided to become intimate ". No need for much pussyfooting or creating an atmosphere. In fact, in an open truthful mother / daughter relationship you'd have told her BEFORE : " Mom, I and John have decided that we feel ready etc. etc. "
So, everything is ok, the adults around you are open and understanding and non- judgemental,... but ?...
You tell us what's the " but " that makes saying the truth difficult.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Nobody says it's wrong or mental torture OP. If your relationship was that open and honest with your mom you wouldn't even need to ask us this. You'd already have discussed the whole thing.
All I was saying is don't assume your mom is naive and doesn't know already, she's had plenty of sex over the years and even had you as a result. A ten month relationship means it's very doubtful she thinks all you've done is kiss.
Either way it's up to you OP, I just can't see any benefit to it at all. Other than to satisfy some need you have for her to know. I don't see what difference it will make to anything and I can see how it can complicate things.
Just because you think she should doesn't mean it will have good results OP. I know plenty of parents don't like the idea of having to directly face the fact their kids are sexually active. Especially fathers and daughters, most fathers I know would rather live in blissful ignorance and never have to discuss what their daughters do with their boyfriends.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 December 2012):
As a mother myself I have to agree with Cerberus in that often times, mothers know. I certainly did when my daughter was active.
You're right that honesty is an important part of a healthy relationship, but so is judicious ommission. Knowing when not to say something is equaly important and far too often overlooked. Your mother doesn't discuss her sexual activities with you, correct?
It's entirely up to you.
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A
female
reader, YErFD0g +, writes (13 December 2012):
YErFD0g is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want her too know as I think its important to have an open truthful relationship with her, we are a very open family. And im sorry but those saying that what I did was wrong and will cause mental torture, you clearly have very different morals, it was the right time and with the right person, in addition I dont think it is something she disagrees with, i just dont know how to approach the subject!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): I am a mother of a 16 yr old. I would want to know. If an opening doesn't come up, create one. Next time you say something about your bf, a casual remark, whatever, use that as a chance to tell her. Just say it. You could do it over dinner, driving in the car, getting ready for school in the morning, whenever. Be ready to explain to her all the things you just explained to us. She knows what sex is for goodness' sakes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): I wonder why you think she has to know too OP. Especially when she most likely already knows but just wants to ignore that part of your life and let you deal with it.
OP mothers know, I don't care how naive and innocent you think she is, she knows almost everything about you, more than you even know about yourself. Honestly when you become an adult and are able to talk to her as an adult over a few glasses of wine or so, you'll be shocked at the things you thought you'd hidden or you assumed she didn't know the same as the rest of us.
OP if she wanted to know she'd ask, she's a grown woman and there is no chance in hell she doesn't know that her legal daughter in a 10 month relationship is having sex. It's more likely a case she doesn't want to know about it and trusts you to make the right decisions when it comes to birth control and things like that.
Now in the off chance she doesn't know I think it's a horrible idea to tell her, OP she doesn't want to know or she would have asked. She loves your boyfriend as you said, but did you ever consider that she only loves him because she thinks he's a good influence and not "corrupting" you sexually? Maybe telling her would change her opinion of him, her opinion of your relationship and make life very difficult for the three of you.
What you want and what's best here are two different things if you ask me. She doesn't want to know anymore than you want to know when the last time she gave your dad a blow job was and how it tasted. You know? Some people just prefer not to know that kind of stuff.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 December 2012):
One more " why do you want her to know " .
Yes maybe it would had been nice if you had the kind of mother / daughter relationship where you could tell her anything and confide in her and ask advice about sex,- but since you don't, and in fact she has no idea of what you have been up to and would be shocked and disapproving if she knew, why all of a sudden doing the " my best friend is my Mom " skit ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): It sounds like you did something which your mother disapproves of. If you knew that, why did you do it anyway? Unnecessary mental torture for yourself & unnecessary upset & disappointment you give to mum. Instead, you should've asked your mom WHEN does she expect you to make a huge decision like becoming sexually active. At least in that way, as mother & daughter you both know where you both stand on the issue. If you want to tell your mum, it's up to you. You're woman enough to sleep with a man, so you're woman enough to tell her. Otherwise you should've respected your mother's standards for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Yeah, why do you want her to know?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 December 2012):
I'm puzzled by this as well. Why do you want your mum to know? You're doing something you believe your mum won't approve of. What exactly do you hope to achieve by shoving her face in it?
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Why do you want her to know? I really doubt she wants to know, what would you gain by telling her? How would it help your relationship with her or with your boyfriend to tell her?
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