A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having an affair with a married woman. If you are reading and feel the need to tell me to stop or find someone who is not married, you can keep your comments to yourself because I don't care. We are both crazy in love for one another. She wants to be with me, I want to be with her. The only problem is she still loves her husband. She is in love with me, but loves her husband and doesn't want to hurt him. She told me that she wishes that he would just cheat on her so she had a reason to leave him.We have been seeing each other for 5 months now and its amazing. I have NEVER felt so connected with someone in my life. We have cried together because we love each other so much. She is just really scared because she wants to make sure things are going to last bewteen us if she makes the jump. Shit...I am scared myself because I haven't had the best track record with relationships and I have never been married. I don't want to hurt this girl, I want to be with her and be sure that we are going to be together forever. I know this whole ordeal sounds horrible on both our parts...but she was married at a young age and didn't know what she was getting into. She doesn't have any kids and neither do I. I feel like she is right on the fence now about leaving him for me. One day away from eachother and we are both a wreck. I can't breath without her. This was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do...but I decided today that i need to stop talking to her and stop seeing her. I want to give her alone time so she can figure things out. I told her that she should try to make things work with her marriage first. I told her that she owes her husband one more chance. She said she didn't know what being in love with someone meant until she met me. She tells me that I am her soulmate. Its too dangerous for both of us to be seeing one another. She needs to make a choice. I am backing off until she figures things out....but I am a wreck right now. Am I doing the right thing? I want this girl...what is the best way to go about it?
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male
reader, glidezilla  +, writes (8 June 2010):
been there and done that and still in there but rocky,she wants to leave but suddenly he's a better man but i love her and can't stop but if i lose her still may tell him the husband the truth but her kids will suffer,but she really loves me but feels obigilated to give him several chances
A
male
reader, Oktober13  +, writes (30 January 2010):
I think that you have done the right thing. Some years ago, I was in love with a married woman. The secret relationship lasted for a total of 2-1/2 years, but the last six months were very shaky, after her husband found out about us and divorced her. It was like she divorced me, when he divorced her. Six months after she broke with me... she married someone else.
I know what you are saying... I know how you are feeling... it is simply magical. But SHE is the boss... SHE decides when... and you wait... and you wait.
The fact is... she CANNOT leave her husband for you. If she does, it won't last. Woman are very complex creatures. So by closing the door... you have given your relationship the best possible chance to survive. Be prepared to wait a while, even though it hurts... but her business with her husband must be closed without you there to catch her fall. Right now, she is not yours... so if you really want her... you MUST let her go. It may take some time... but at least when she finds you again, you will know that it is REALLY YOU that she loves... not the hopeless romance of the situation.
In the mean time... work on everything that is YOU. If you bump into people she knows, don't ask about her... show your best smile and enthusiasm. You have known her for 5 months... it is perfect... No let her spend her time loving you when you are not there. Let her unhappy marriage become HER undoing... NOT yours !
I hope this helped... it is not an easy situation to be in... not something people really look for in life... it just comes.
I wish you well... Take car of you... and just breathe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): I think that you have done the right thing. Some years ago, I was in love with a married woman. The secret relationship lasted for a total of 2-1/2 years, but the last six months were very shaky, after her husband found out about us and divorced her. It was like she divorced me, when he divorced her. Six months after she broke with me... she married someone else.
I know what you are saying... I know how you are feeling... it is simply magical. But SHE is the boss... SHE decides when... and you wait... and you wait.
The fact is... she CANNOT leave her husband for you. If she does, it won't last. Woman are very complex creatures. So by closing the door... you have given your relationship the best possible chance to survive. Be prepared to wait a while, even though it hurts... but her business with her husband must be closed without you there to catch her fall. Right now, she is not yours... so if you really want her... you MUST let her go. It may take some time... but at least when she finds you again, you will know that it is REALLY YOU that she loves... not the hopeless romance of the situation.
In the mean time... work on everything that is YOU. If you bump into people she knows, don't ask about her... show your best smile and enthusiasm. You have known her for 5 months... it is perfect... No let her spend her time loving you when you are not there. Let her unhappy marriage become HER undoing... NOT yours !
I hope this helped... it is not an easy situation to be in... not something people really look for in life... it just comes.
I wish you well... Take car of you... and just breathe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontherapists are a mirror for you to hear yourself talk. I already know what I am saying.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Good luck then. You might benefit by talking to someone else who might gie you some insight about your thoughts. A professional therapist might help you with that. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): after reading the OPs last comments I AM SHOCKED. he cares nothing for people and boundaries. I wonder whether this woman knows what she has got herself into. This man spells trouble and is disturbed. Rationalising and justifying using/taking/stealing from people. Watch out how you lead your life. Ypour lover is living in a fantasy of she thinks you are all humane. Oh well, let the cheating married woman leave her hb for you. she is in for a rude awakening. frightening stuff!!!!!!!!11
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie,
what you said in your last message really got to me. I'm not just saying that either... it really got to me and is making me think about the future between me and this girl.
Eddie says: "That was the point when things should have stopped. That is the point you would hope they stop when the person you love is attracted to someone else. As I mentioned earlier, sparks mean nothing. We're wired to feel attraction and pulls toward other people. You see, if she thought she was happy, she was happy. Happy is happy. You guys went down a path that she should not have taken. She should not have taken it because you had nothing to lose and she had everything to lose." ((end quote))
To answer your question Eddie, I WOULD take my neighbors car if I knew I wasn't going to get caught. I would take it and not feel bad the slightest bit. I never have felt bad because I am a monster. The world has been fkcing me over since I was a young. My super powered mind was not able to function at the capacity it is now. I have become a master of manipulation. A master. This was not by choice, it was a survival mechanism. The greedy, selfish, fake people in this world made me the way I am.
Now I am all alone and I see a part of myself in this girl because she is the same way. I am happy because I love her for that... and maybe it won't last because we are both doomed. But since she is the same sub-species of human that I am.. why not be happy while I can? There is no hope for me... I have almost killed myself trying to change the way I think several times. Trying to reverse the pain. I have become a master of the opposite sex and putting on any face I have to in order to get what I want for anyone and anything. I am so lonely.
But with this girl.. this is the first time in my life that I didn't have to wear a mask. We are all just animals at the end of the day anyways. We have cravings and aversions that we run towards and run from. We are animals. I am an animal. I don't see the slightest trace of similarity between myself and other people when it comes to the way I think. In an evolutionary sense, I am either a retardation of our species or at the top of food chain in an evolutionary sense.
The reasons I wake up in the morning and the thoughts I have are so different that I am a prisoner of my thoughts. I can't even be myself because society rejects me, yet I am able to get what most men crave. I can have almost any woman I want, married or single. Taking this girl and my neighbor’s car IS justified because I can do it and I WANT to do it. I want to do it because it makes me feel good inside to take from other people and cause people emotional suffering. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Isn’t that so messed up? I sound ridiculous but its so true. I am taking the normal life that I was robbed of. I am settling the score for all of the loneliness and confusion I have had to face my whole life.
Now I can see because my eyes are open.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): One thing you should know though is it is 100 percent easier to do nothing at all than to confront a problem. Depending on how much your lover cares for you and how much she cares for her husband she may take the easy way out and do nothing. You are best backing off now to see what she decides with time away from you.
If you are around to give her what she needs she has no reason to leave her husband for you since you are there anyway. Why leave one man when you have both?
Realistically I don't really think she will leave her husband but the best thing for you to do is back off now. She needs to see if her husbands worth fixing their marriage for and if not she needs time to heal from the divorce before she can be 100% devoted to you or another person.
Even thought you are hurting her right now I guarantee you her guilt is eating away at her heart. She feels sick from what she's doing to both you and her husband. She has to have time apart to confront her feelings. She also needs to tell her husband about you so that He can decide if he even wants her anymore.
Good Luck but I think you are about to hit some hard times. But give her time for now don't cave. Make her chose. If she chooses him then I'm sorry because I can tell you really care for her.
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female
reader, sarah b  +, writes (25 January 2010):
just be careful he could be stringing you both along and want the best of both worlds.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): i know how you feel im in the same situation. i got married young to a man i dont love anymore and have found the same as you the perfect soul mate. my problem is my husband has always been a violent man and i darent get out of my situation, good luck to you. i hope you get some happiness.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 January 2010):
Yes, we're different. One thing though is it is not right to try and justify poor choices just because they've been made. You have everything to gain in this deal. You see, if she thought she was happy until she met you, she chose to act inappropriately by allowing herself to spend tme with you when the sparks began to fly. Of course you had your interests in mind and didn't care that she had a spouse. That was the point when things should have stopped. That is the point you would hope they stop when the person you love is attracted to someone else. As I mentioned earlier, sparks mean nothing. We're wired to feel attraction and pulls toward other people. You see, if she thought she was happy, she was happy. Happy is happy. You guys went down a path that she should not have taken. She should not have taken it because you had nothing to lose and she had everything to lose. By that I mean her marriage. Remember, before she started with you, she was content. Her mistake was not directing her new found zest for life and romance toward her husband. She chased the thrill of the sparks with you. What do you think will happen if you two become a couple and she feels the spark with someone else? Remember that in a world without loyalty our feelings are not important. What do you plan to do if she chooses her husband? Do they have kids? I'm not trying to minimize your feelings about her. I understand you love her. But you are trying to steal someones partner and as a husband I can not respect your actions because they're selfish. I'm not arguing with you either, I'm just talking. I'm glad to hear that you do understand some of my points.
If your neighbour had a really nice car and worked lots of overtime to get it, would you take it? Would you steal it and then try to justify it to everyone by explaining that you really wanted to ride around in a nice car. Would you think that because you wanted it that it was OK to take it. Would you think that....too bad for him, my needs come first. I don't care if that was his pride and joy....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was in a four year relationship once. It never felt like work to be with her. The love stopped when we changed. And you may be right about one thing, I am a passion chaser. There are couples who have been together for many years who continue to be passionate for one another. It does last forever with the right one and it shouldn't take work. You make a lot of great points Eddie, but I am not like you. We don't share the same views on life. And although I respect your opinions, I strongly disagree with some of the things you have said. As far as contradicting myself goes...I did mention that I made a mistake by telling her to give it a second chance with her husband. Also, I stated that I do care about myself #1. But I also stated that she is a part of me.. so yes, she does come first.
Eddie, you also have to understand that each individual has certain attributes. Some are amazing and some not so amazing. This girl that I am in love with might lack certain things because of her mental make-up. But I promise you she more than makes up for it in other ways. The same could be said about me. There are a lot of reasons why she can't just leave her husband right now as I mentioned earlier. She does want to tell him and almost did the other day. But if she does...its going to cause major static in both of our lives right now. Static that neither one of us are in a position to handle.
So please try to understand the situation. I have taken a step back for the time being and its hard for both of us.
When you say that we should have waited until her divorce was final... that was not an option. Neither one of us knew this was going to happen. She thought she was happy until she met me.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 January 2010):
What I think is that no one can really know what is going on between her and I... accept her and I. She got married young and didn't know what true love was until now....
This is true. Nobody knows what is going between you two. Her marriage might have been a bad idea in the first place. These are definaltey possible scenarios.
I believe that marriage is the biggest scam of the century and I wish I could end it all together. When two people are in love, they should be together. When the love fades they should end it and continue the search for their soulmate. That is staying true to yourself. Marriage is an invention, not part of our instincts.......
Marriage isn't a scam. It's an agreement. It's a contract to devote yourself to another person. Part of the concept is that the relationship is about more than "yourself". It's a partnership. That's why infidelity is called cheating. A person enters an agreement and then breaks the rules. There are usually a standard set of rules that surround relationships, married or not. As for ending the relationship when the love fades, that may be true. If that is true, end the marriage BEFORE cheating. Why be so rotten as to do something like that behind the back of someone you've loved?
Most couples that work on their relationships when they are sh*t to begin with end up miserable at the end of their lives. I have seen this time and time again.
If you think you're going to find your soulmate and never have to work on a relationship again, you're really mistaken. I believe the people who end up miserable at the end of their lives are the ones who were too shallow to see the value of time. Time is what makes relationships valuable. Time equals experiences, events, trust, love, memories etc. At the end of the fast life, you're left alone. There's nobody to help you get up of the couch, nobody to wipe your butt when you can't, nobody to share yor time with. That is the price of the fast life.
I would rather live fast, die young, and love with all of my heart and soul than turn out like the rest of America. HELLO...DIVORCE RATES ARE OVER 50%!!!! Building a relationship shouldn't take work, it should happen naturally and with ease. Her and I have passion for each other that 1 in 1000 couples will experience. I have been searching for this girl my whole life. I am not going to walk away from her without a fight.
"Starting" a relation doesn't take work. It starts with attraction. Attraction is natural. Dogs and monkeys have attraction too. People have attractions to prostitutes as well. Attraction is mechanical but love is not. Building and maintaining a relationship always takes work. If you think the thrill of this clandestine relationship will ride on the crest of the wave you're on now, you're wrong. NOBODY can maintain that level of enthusiasm. Life, routine, mundane events and regular living takes over. If you can not accept that, you will always be running to the next "soulmate" and the next and the next....
I told her today that we need to take a step back for a while. We decided to take a month away from one another. This is going to make our love stronger or break us apart. Either way...i followed my heart and not societies pace. I respect myself first and everyone second. I view her as part of me. I pitty her husband because he doesn't know what he has and she is slipping away from him and he doesn't know how to stop it.
Maybe a step back willbe good. You should never have taken the first step until her marriage was over. You did though so that has made things more convoluted. Of course her husband can't stop what's happening. That is because she didn't have the decency to "work" on the marriage whe it was suffering. If what you say is true and marriage doesn't take any work, why are you stepping back to give her a chance to WORK on her marriage? Many of your views contradict eachother.
She does need to end it with him. But at far as saying that she is going to treat me the same way she treats her husband is not for certain. There are plenty of cases where women have left their husbands for another man and have long term happy relationships
What makes you think you have what it takes to satisfy her? Her husband thought the same thing. You've already said that you don't value reltaionships. You value yourself. Being in a relationship requires a level of compromise and the ability to put your partner first and not be selfish. Does this woman know that you're not really interested in a forever relationship and you'll walk away from her when the passion fades?
These are important aspects of a relationship. It sounds like you don't want a relationship as myuch as a roller coaster ride. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I think is that no one can really know what is going on between her and I... accept her and I. She got married young and didn't know what true love was until now.
I believe that marriage is the biggest scam of the century and I wish I could end it all together. When two people are in love, they should be together. When the love fades they should end it and continue the search for their soulmate. That is staying true to yourself. Marriage is an invention, not part of our instincts.
Most couples that work on their relationships when they are sh*t to begin with end up miserable at the end of their lives. I have seen this time and time again.
I would rather live fast, die young, and love with all of my heart and soul than turn out like the rest of America. HELLO...DIVORCE RATES ARE OVER 50%!!!! Building a relationship shouldn't take work, it should happen naturally and with ease. Her and I have passion for each other that 1 in 1000 couples will experience. I have been searching for this girl my whole life. I am not going to walk away from her without a fight.
I told her today that we need to take a step back for a while. We decided to take a month away from one another. This is going to make our love stronger or break us apart. Either way...i followed my heart and not societies pace. I respect myself first and everyone second. I view her as part of me. I pitty her husband because he doesn't know what he has and she is slipping away from him and he doesn't know how to stop it.
She does need to end it with him. But at far as saying that she is going to treat me the same way she treats her husband is not for certain. There are plenty of cases where women have left their husbands for another man and have long term happy relationships.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 January 2010):
In my world, I'd back away. I find cheating to be a terrible thing. I believe we have choices in life and sometimes the best choice is not the one we want to make. Sometimes we need to do what is right just because it's right. You mentioned that you don't have the best track record in relationships. Why then would you want to begin this one with someone else's wife? You see, until you are in a great relationship you can never understand the callousness of your first statement...."you can keep your comments to yourself because I don't care" Do you know how this sounds? Relationships don't just happen, they're built. You're hoping to build one with this woman. Would you expect others to respect that? Would you expect her to respect it? You see, you've already given yourself status that is above her husbands. Have you considered her husband might be crazy about her too? If you want to be content with your choices and avoid drama, find someone who is available. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am already in over my head and its too late to be friends. She is requesting more time to know if I am the one for her. Should I give her more time and take the chance of her husband finding out... or should I just back away and take the chance of loosing her forever?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 January 2010):
She loves her husband, you said it yourself. You say you don't care about what is good or bad so that tells me something about you. On the other hand you say she owes her husband one more chance. If you don't care about right and wrong, why do you say she owes her husband another chance? If you cared about what her husband "deserves", you would realize that aside from giving the guy a "chance" to save something he isn't even aware he's about to lose, he deserves much more. He deserves respect. He deserves enough respect from his wife to recognize that he is her first obligation. He derserves the same amount of respect that you would demand if she were to become your wife.
This is difficult because you begin your dilema but lowering the bar of decency by stating the only things that is important are what you want. It's difficult to give constructive advice at that level. By my moral compass, you should not even be in this situation. Since levels of orality are not uniform you don't feel the guilt. But then you offer him one more chance like you pity his position. This is odd.
You've also mentioned that you won't be number tow to anyone. This is some good relationship experience. If you won't be number two, it's better to stay away from married people. People who value relationships understand that the partner is number one. It is difficult to explain to someone who is intruding in a relationship just how painful the damage they help create can be. The only way they will understand this is when the are hurt by someone they really love. Only when the intruder finds true happiness with a partner can they understand the value of a relaitionship. Only at that point can they finally understand the loss a person feels when someone trys to steel their partner.
So, no matter how your relationship began it is number two. If it was not number two, you would not be stepping back. The reality is that this is a common situation. This has become almost normal. People seem to feel less shame about this type of thing. In a perfect world the wife would have finished her marriage before testing the waters somewhere else. In a perfect world you would have respected her marriage to her husband. In a perfect world they would have worked on the marriage before she cheated. LEt this unfold as it will. Because you have established feeling for her, and she for you, there is no turing back from that. You can't be "friends". Friends don't sleep together. Let her figure this out. You'll be happier in the end. As you can tell, it's not soemthing I would do. I understand the mechanics of how it happens. Because I'm happily married, I would hate to have someone do this to me. Tha't how I arrive at my opinion. (Do on to others.....) Any thoughts?
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female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Yes, you're doing the right thing in giving her some space to think. I know it hurts, but her alone time gives her a chance to decide what she wants to do.
What she needs to do is decide who she wants to be with and in a hurry, so she's not leaving you hanging. It's not right for the two of you to just sneak off and be together for a long time. And if she does decide to be with you and not her husband, she is going to have to muster up the courage and break it to her husband. Yes, it will hurt him which is what she wants to avoid, but she will have to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok...so I told her today that I am not #2 to anyone and that it wasn't fair to me or her husband. She said that she wants to be sure that she is doing the right thing by being with me and enough time has not gone by yet.
My problem is, if I let more time go by and keep seeing her, we are going to get caught and then both of our lives are going to be ruined. The other problem is that I will not be in a position to make her mine for at least 3-4 more months. I am totally screwed right now...i really don't know what to do. I want to just put us back to friends only until we are both in a position to be together but I can't. Every second away from her feels like a month. I am hurting her really bad by not talking to her right now. But I don't know what to do.
A week ago she told her husband that she was unhappy and started crying. She tells me that she wishes that her husband was me. I understand the saying..."how you find them is how you loose them." I am not a beginner when it comes to relationships. I have dated so many girls and I have NEVER felt like this before. It feels like i am living the movie The Notebook but even more intense. I am trying to be the stronger person in the relationship. I told her that if she wants to be with me she needs to get a divorce and also needs to be ok being alone. I don't want her to throw guilt on me down the road if things don't work out. But she said to me today that she doesn't want to be alone. She said she would rather be with her husband than be alone. And thats not because she is a weak person, it has to do with financial reasons like health insurance and stuff like that.
This is so messed up I can't even tell you. I am always able to figure out the toughest problems, but there is nothing I can do about the situation right now. Should I keep seeing her or should I tell her that we need to split up until we are in a position to see each other. Or should I just limit her to talking on the phone and facebook for now? Please help
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female
reader, girl1009 +, writes (23 January 2010):
Tell her that she can't just love two men, and that she has to choose, if she loves her husband respect that and leave her alone quitely, but if she loves you tell her to split up with her husband, but tell her to tell him that she cheated on him, b/c otherwise it is just plain rude, disgusting, and heartless.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 January 2010):
 First of all, I understand how you feel. I don't care about how others would rate me. The majority of people here believe in working things out. I am not immoral, I just believe in getting what I want now and be happy with what I want.
Women find men irresistable when they are calm and collected. You have to hide what's inside and act like you don't care if she leaves her husband for you. Don't ask how her husband is treating her, don't mention about her husband at all. Pretend he does not exist.
It is just you and her against the world.
Visualize: you are the only one who could make her happy. No men could ever measure up to you.
In the mean time have a lot of fun with her, bring her to places, give her a spa, shower her with gifts.
The inside job you have to do is to let got of the fear and the unknown.
Train her to feel at the moment. Let go of her worries. To do that you have to learn to enjoy the moment yourself.
You are not a wreck. The journey hasn't begun yet.
It helps if you are a good lover already. Sounds like her sex life is not that satisfying with her husband.
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female
reader, SeXylOvE12 +, writes (23 January 2010):
 I don't agree with this situation, so all I'm going to say is, watch out. She cheated on her husband with you, so who says she won't do it again? People find their "soul mates" and it still doesn't work out for a lot of them. Proceed with caution, and be sure you're ready for commitment because if she leaves her husband she's going to expect nothing less than a marriage from you.
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