A
male
age
41-50,
*ute guy
writes:I really need some help on this one. In prior posts I spoke of how after a 6 year marriage and two kids, my marriage was failing due to a lack of intimacy, attraction and just all out togetherness. We never fought or argued, we just drifted apart. To make a long story short, I had an affair with the wrong person..someone who I was extremely attracted to and yes I ended up falling in love with her. My wife and I separated and I maintained my relationship for 9 months. My wife and I also stayed in contact and while we still never fought, she always expressed that she hoped we would work things out. My relationship became a lost cause when I found out she was an alcoholic and her verbal abuse, mistrust and other things came out. I took a lot of people's advice and ended the relationship. Since then I have tried to reconnect with my wife. She doesn't know about the affair and I just wanted to put it behind me. It was the worst mistake of my life and everyday I beat myself up for even going down that path. But I have to admit because I was in love with this other woman, its been really hard living without her in my life. The relationship ended about 3 weeks ago and for the last 10 days my wife and I have been having a casual date night which has been wonderful, but at the same time as much as I would like to see our relationship develop, its been hard to get past my girlfriend. I know what I did was just...uh..pitiful...but I really do want my wife back. Its just hard because of the feelings I had for this girlfriend. Any suggestions on how long anyone else feels this pain or what could I do more to reconnect with my wife? I just feel like my hearts been pulled in two directions.
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male
reader, mack79  +, writes (1 April 2011):
www.marriagebootcamp.com I wish I had went when I had the chance as I was in your situation. Love can be rebuilt lots of hard work and being self aware and compassionate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Please do your wife and children a favour and sort yourself out first before you reconnect with them. I wonder how much in love you were with the woman you were having an affair with if 3 weeks later you are pursuing a relationship with your wife again. If it is because the affair didn't work and you just want to be with someone, then your relationship with your wife will never work. Please be kind to her and your children and don't go down this path. She deserves to be with someone better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Please do your wife and children a favour and sort yourself out first before you reconnect with them. I wonder how much in love you were with the woman you were having an affair with if 3 weeks later you are pursuing a relationship with your wife again. If it is because the affair didn't work and you just want to be with someone, then your relationship with your wife will never work. Please be kind to her and your children and don't go down this path. She deserves to be with someone better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): The problem is not that you were separated and with another woman who you had a relationship with, the problem is that you were "cheating" on your relationship with your wife.You had a relationship that you didn't disclose, which made it less likely that your wife would "move one" and make decisions of her own that didn't include a possible future with you.This left her as a "fall back" position in case your relationship with the other woman didn't work out...which it didn't.If you really want to go back, then you need to start being fair to your wife, really fair, and stop cheating.You are still cheating on her, you have and emotional affair still ongoing with someone else. "I really do want my wife back. Its just hard because of the feelings I had for this girlfriend."So, in order to stop cheating, you need to be honest, open, willing, and it will take a couple of years of HARD work, and counseling, and you still might fail.If you really want her, you have to work to have her, and you have to be fair to her.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (28 March 2011):
Your first step is to get rid of this woman and confess your deeds to your wife. You need to give her the same options that you have "the right to choose on her own" when you with hold and lie to her face as your doing each time you see this woman then you're actually making the choice for her. Try honesty for once in your life and stop being so selfish. I hope that I never treat the mother of my kids like you're doing to this woman....good lord confess your sins!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I am not going to criticize your actions, because you have done enough of that to yourself. This is definitely one of the "learn the hard way" lessons.
Even though this woman was quite flawed, it appears you fell in love with her. Your relationship with her ended only three weeks ago. You haven't gotten over it yet. You need to give yourself some time to grieve the loss of that relationship. I don't think you'll be able to have romantic feelings towards your wife until you have done so, so don't try to rush it.
Trying to salvage a six-year-marriage with two children involved is an admirable thing to do. You say you separated because of lack of intimacy/attraction/togetherness. You can get it back, but it will take time, patience and a little bit of work.
I think it's a great idea to try and rekindle the romance by having date nights with your wife. Try to think of the things you enjoyed doing together when you first met. What were some of the things that attracted you to each other? Start off slowly and give yourself time. If you both want it, it can happen.
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