A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My long distance relationship has just eclipsed the 3 year mark. I love my girlfriend, but the distance has been a substantial challenge for us both. We are working to resolve this issue but there is no foreseeable resolution given the current job market and immigration red tape. That is not the issue im writing about, but I feel it's necessary to mention it only because it amplifies my big problem: our sex life.Like all relationships we came to a point a couple of years ago where sex frequency dropped drastically. We only see each other once every 3 weeks or so, and even then sex is not always happening. I think there are a lot of little factors that have added up to a very unsatisfying sex life.I don't want to seem like in insensitive jerk, but a big factor has been my girlfriend's weight. She has gained 30 or 40 pounds in the past few years since we met. I never say anything about this, as i do like girls with curves, but lately it has started to turn me off. I think mainly because she doesn't feel attractive and is always complaining about "being fat". I tell her that she isn't fat, but her constant self loathing comments have started to turn me off - much more than the physical transformation has. She doesn't like to have sex often because of this and over time it has started to affect my attraction to her. Im tired of hearing her complain and do nothing to correct the situation. She keeps talking about doing a weight-loss program or exercising, but it never happens. I try to encourage her and be supportive, but now im starting to resent the fact that she doesn't take action. When we do see each other we dont have sex until im basically about to head out the door to go home and she offers. I don't make moves anymore because the sex is always the same and I feel like she only does it because she HAS to. She doesnt like different positions because of how it makes her body look. She doesnt like to show off. Im a very visual person. I like to see things to get turned on. I have said this to her, but never in a way like "you dont do this or that". I just wish she felt sexy and exhibited herself that way. I honestly don't mind the extra weight (I mean i'd like her to loose some of it, but whatever), that is secondary to the negative attitude that accompanies it. I know she doesn't like having sex - she admits that once in a while - and that makes me not want to have it either.I'm not in the best shape either, but I try to eat well and exercise regularly. I wish I could inspire her to do the same. If only just to help her self esteem and restore her sex drive. I don't remember the last time she tried to look good for me or turn me on. I don't expect a lingerie model every day, but when she wears nothing but loose track pants and bulky sweaters all the time, or even shave her legs when i visit, I just don't feel like she cares. She used to send me sexy pictures a (very) long time ago. I miss that. The excitement, seduction and teasing. Once in a while she asks me what's wrong and if everything is alright. I don't want to make her feel bad so I don't bring this up. It's obvious that we dont have sex or talk about it at all. I feel like we've had this issue in our faces for so long that no matter what I say it isn't going to change things. Its really starting to make me feel withdrawn and resentful. I want to be supportive, but this has been going on for years now and I crave a good hot sex life in my relationship. Not sure what to do to break this cycle. Im starting to be come less attracted to her as time goes on because of my resentment. I just keep hoping she will one day follow up on her intentions. I don't want to seem shallow or hurt her feelings. I do love her and want her to be happy.We have talked about our sex life a few times over this span. She admits that how she feels about herself is affecting her sex drive. I understand that. Im not sure what i can do at this point.
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long distance, self esteem, sex drive, sex life, teasing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, xynebrutalis  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Well you guys only getting to see each other every 3 weeks is a big problem. If you love her and you want to advance your relationship I'd sacrifice some needs and try to get closer to get. But thats just me. As far as your girl not having self esteem, have you tried making her feel sexy. Telling her thats she beautiful, bringing her flowers, giving her soft gentle kisses in places that make her shutter. If you've tried any of those things I really don't know. But for sure try everything you can to let her know that YOU think shes still sexy. Another thing, most people that don't exercise or try to change their weight problem have a lack of motivation to do so. She's obviously very depressed and has no motivation, she might need some counseling herself. The most you can do is try to build her confidence. If she refuses help, and doesn't react from your trying to build her confidence, you might be fighting a loosing battle. Go out of your way to show her that shes sexy, thats your first step. Hope this helps.
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