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anonymous
writes:This is not a relationship question but it has been causing me some sleepless nights...hopefully some people on here might be able to help.At the request of the retirement home where she was living, my mom has been put in the nursing home side of the retirememt side facility. I went up to take a look and it looks ok. The thing that is bothering me is that she is in a ward with three other women. One of the women is mean to my mom. My sister who is living in the same town and has power of attorney told me this would be a temporary state of affairs. I know spaces in nursing homes are hard to come by. I think a double came up but the woman had worse dementia than mom so I can see that. This is a private home. My mom has four pensions and she worked till she was sixty five to get her own pension. I guess I figured that, with this we could do better than a ward room for her. My brother is a lawyer and between him and my sister I know NOTHING but my moms finances. I have asked and while they have not said they will not tell me, have made no effort over the years. I know there will be no inheritance and have a good career so that does not matter but want to ensure that everything is just ok and that moms last years are good. The fact they are not telling me is making me suspicious. My brother is a lawyer and while I have good relationships with both I am angry that something so fundamental has been kept from me. When I try to ask I get the response from my sister about all she has done for mom. No disputing this but am I entitled to know my mothers financial affairs?What would be a diplomatic way to bring this up with my siblings? Why would they be keeping this from me? Am I powerless here? Thank you for any input.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): HiYou sound like a very caring daughter...have you thought of taking your mum into your own home so you can make sure she is content, would this be possible?Your brother and sister sound odd.via con dios
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Too Sensitive for your thoughful reply. Yes, my mom has alzheimers and was progressing to the point where she had to be put into a nursing home. A lot of good info here.
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reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (2 February 2009):
I am in a very similar situation in terms of my mother. However, I am in the loop somewhat with my mother's finances. Though I don't see the bank statements, bills, etc., my sister (who has P.O.A.) fills me in on the state of affairs. And she includes me and consults with me on virtually every decision that has to be made, even though from a legal standpoint she does not have to. I think she does this not only b/c she feels it is the considerate thing to do by including me, but also b/c it provides her emotional support from my end, and she doesn't have to feel alone with the situation.
My mother also gets several pensions. We had to sell her house last year, which put a big chunk of change into her account. My sister invested some of it so that it would yield more money from interest payouts. However, even given all the money, b/c of the huge monthly cost of her "assisted living" arrangements (probably same or similar to what you call retirement home), the money will be completely gone in just a few short years. When there is only 4-6 months worth of money left, my sister will be applying for government assistance for my mother's care. This is how the system works here in the States. Also, the government assistance program (called Medicare) looks back over all financial records for 5 years previous to application. We have to have every penny accounted for, so no dipping into the funds for personal use. I don't know if the system is set up in the same or similar way in your country. Anyway, if you have any assets, you do not qualify for the insurance coverage until the assets are gone. And, the insurance coverage will not pay for assisted living care - it will only pay for nursing home care. Sadly, some of the elderly are forced to live in a nursing home setting prematurely, before they really need it.
The sad fact is that my mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which is degenerative and progressive. Her baseline behavior keeps changing, keeps deteriorating. She has been in the assisted living facility for almost a year now. She has a private room, very nice and cozy, a private bathroom, and is on a locked and secure wing (b/c she is considered a "flight" risk, or at risk for escaping, which would obviously be a threat to her own safety). B/c her behavior has started to become aggressive (she is hitting and biting other residents and staff), she keeps getting sent out to a behaviorial (mental) health facility so they can try to stabilize her. Unfortunately, they are having less and less success each time. We have been told by the assisted living facility that we need to start investigating nursing homes, b/c my mother is almost at the point where the assisted living facility will no longer put up with her behavior. They are paid all this money every single month, and we've heard that there are other residents who behave much like my mother. I don't know if their families have been told the same thing or not (start looking elsewhere). Whatever the case, we don't seem to have much choice.
It sounds like the same thing has happened with your mother. It is such a difficult and painful process to witness and try to cope with. It is out of our control to a great degree, and we feel powerless. We are subject to the care system and the illness itself.
I am unclear - does your mother have Alzheimer's or some form of dementia? Or does she suffer debilitating physical conditions? Or worse yet, both?
I understand your suspicions. Maybe you could explain to your siblings that you don't need to see the finances with your own eyes, but merely want to know the general state of affairs, to give you a better understanding of the situation. It would help you answer questions you are having, and give you peace of mind concerning your mother and her care. It's not that you don't trust them, you merely feel helpless and powerless, which are both common emotions during such a traumatic time. Knowledge is power, and when we have more background, it can give us a better grasp of what's going on.
My mother's illness has taken a tremendous toll on my sister and I. Sometimes we are close and talk about our emotions. Other times we pull back and are distant about it, just dealing with the facts. It's just our way of trying to cope with it all.
It may sound cold, but I've told my sister that we are doing the best we can, even when that doesn't seem good enough. I told her so many aspects of this illness are out of our control. We cannot feel guilty that we aren't doing more, b/c there isn't any more we can do. We can just try to make her as comfortable as possible, and give her as much quality of life as possible. Sometimes we have to take our emotions out of it (that's the "cold" part) and just let go. The illness is going to take its course, and there is nothing we can do about it. It is a losing battle. This illness is going to take my mother's life. There is no cure. At best, drugs can slow it down for maybe a year tops from what I've read. The day will come when my mother no longer recognizes any of us.
The letting go part does not mean cutting contact with my mother. It does not mean stop visiting. It means letting go of the frustration and all the negative emotions surrounding her illness. It does not mean stop the fight for my mother's well-being and her rights, but it does mean recognize when the system or the illness is going to win, and gracefully go with the flow. Unfortunately they hold much of the power and at a mere 30 days notice, they can advise us that my mother must vacate the premises. They are already giving us warning that this day is imminent and that this day is quickly approaching.
We know that a nursing home will not provide her with a private room. We know the environment looks much like a hospital setting, and that is depressing in appearance. We know that the mental state of the residents will be in more of a state of decline than in the assisted living facility. The sad fact is that we cannot avoid moving my mother to a nursing home. We know that the nursing home of our choice is not necessarily the one where my mother will go, b/c the best ones have waiting lists of a year or more. Right now we don't have the luxury of that time. So, we will have to settle for what we feel is 2nd or more best.
Try to explain to your siblings that it would help you better cope with your mother's situation if you knew more of what's going on. You could start the conversation by saying you realize all they are doing for your mother's care and understand they are doing the best they possibly can. Explain that you feel powerless, want to help in any way you can, and want to be involved as much as you can be in your mother's care. It is only natural to feel this way. You are not prying. B/c, after all, she is your mother too!
Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
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