A
female
age
51-59,
*adyblue
writes:We are married for 10 yrs. with one daughter (14 yrs.old).My husband is currently working in middle east and he is having an affair of a girl who is also in another country for almost 6 months now.I told my husband to reveal this matter to our daughter bec, I want to cut down our communication with him unless he will go away with that girl but my husband told me not to tell to our daughter about the matter. What does this mean is my husband true with the girl ? Shall I have to cut down our communication to my husband in order for him to realized who is more important , his family or the girl.It's so painful but I love my husband and can't afford to lose him..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Well, nothing you can do here but decide on what to do with the marriage.
Formal separation is optimal in the short term, tell you husband that you are separating from him due to the affair, and if he wants to be together he needs to get to work on the marriage, and stop working on the affair, and that you are telling your daughter about the separation, with or without him present.
Don't tell your daughter about the affair at first, just let her know that your spouse, her father, is having some issues and you don't want to go into it further at this time but that you are seeking a formal separation from him until he starts to work out the issues.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Divorce or separation.
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A
female
reader, ladyblue +, writes (2 November 2010):
ladyblue is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you so much for the opinions it would help a lot for me..Although confusing but its a food for thought...Actually I already ask my husband what is really his plan for us , but it seems he can't decide we as his family is hanging so hard..
I want more tips ...please....
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Don't bring your daughter into the middle of this. She should not have to carry around the pain of her parents intimate dramas. It's not fair to her to make her carry around your issues. She is still young and shouldn't have to take sides or have her father turned into the enemy. It will just be confusing and hurtful to her. She's a teen!! She's got enough going on, what with school, hormones, friends, guys...
You sound bitter and angry (for good reason) and you know that it will crush your husband to have to admit his wrongs to his daughter. Don't use your daughter to get back at your husband... it's just not fair to her.
You and your husband need to work through this on your own, difficult as that may be. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, RN04 +, writes (2 November 2010):
I don't think that you should put your daughter in the middle of this. I understand that you are feeling like if you cut down on the communication that your daughter might resent you for it and you will be blamed as the mean Mom that won't let her talk to her Dad. I fully get that. But, at this point, letting your 14 year old daughter in on the secret is going to cause her a massive amount of pain. Protect your daughter's heart and feelings. Don't let her know that her Dad is a cheater. If you want to end your relationship with him, then you can do it yourself without involving your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Although I understand why the aunts have advised not to tell your daughter I beg to differ. We as parents must stop bullsh1tting our kids. You do not have to be malicious and vindictive. You can tell her that you both love her as parents but her dad has found someone else. Our kids are perceptive, they are not fools. We need to stop lying to them and we need to also start respecting them. It thus means we must start being honest. Leave out the horrible vindictive info, lovingly tell her the truth.
Our human nature means that we will be biased and want our kids to side with us but love them enough to be honest.
As for your hb, tell him he may not be a faithful hb but he can try to be a good dad still. He needs to earn her trust again bec he did not just betray you, but he betrayed your family unit.
Yes we all say take the moral high ground but I have news for you: divorce/separation is ugly. Understand it and accept it and get out of it alive. It is sometimes worse than death. When a family is destroyed, dysfunction exists.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
I agree with Vintage64, DO NOT bring your daughter in the middle of this. It will only hurt and upset her. Are you trying to make her turn against her father, just so you can try to make him stop being with the other woman? That's very wrong. Consider your daughter's feelings and her love for her father before you go doing such an irrational action. Your husband is cheating on you, there's no way you can make him stop unless you threaten him with a divorce. Even then it's not guaranteed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): I am in a similar situation, and all my counselors told me DONT! So from a professional position, this is not something you should tell a 12 or 13 y.o. in detail. You can tell her "dad has a woman friend who makes him happy" or something like that, but NEVEr tell her "dad had an affair". Doing so does 2 things: first, it forces an evil connotation on him, and you need to let HER decide in time if his choice was for the better. Affairs are hurtful, but sometimes they put people into a better relationship. Not always, but sometimes. You are going to be biased, so this is not fair to color her judgement of her dad. Second, you would be using your daughter as a pawn to help sever contact with him...again, you are letting your hurt color her judgement and it is devicive and unfair to her. Third...kids of that age dont really know what an affair really is except for whats on TV. They arent aware of the complications, twists and turns of REAL relationships. Not really. To early to tell her detail IMO.
Give it a bit of time, talk to a counselor, and consider counseling for your daughter. Handle this professionally or you could create lifelong scars.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Do no bring your daughter into this, it is between you and your husband to sort out. She should only be told if you two are splitting up.
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A
female
reader, Wifeyindistress +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I would tell my daughter. Period, my daughter is 12 and when her father was unfaithful I did as you did told him to tell her and he refused so I took her out and we talked and I told her. I want to be honest with her, and not have her think she did something wrong. Tell him you are going to tell her if he doesnt and then when she knows you are going to limit the conversations with him. I told my lil girl also so she doesn't get stuck in our situation, where we love our husbands but we don't want to lose them for our own reasons. My daughter is so perceptive when it comes to relationships, I am very honest with her so she knew that there was something wrong, when I told her she was there for me and I was there for her.
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