A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me that all men (and women) glance at other very attractive members of the opposite sex when they're alone. I don't believe him because my ex never looked at other females (he told me so.) Although I love him, I want a man that feels I'm the most beautiful woman and is so happy with my looks that even if a prettier woman crosses his path he will immediately look away because he is so happy with me and I'm his number one. Are there men like my ex that will not look at other women at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): I totally understand how you're feeling and was recently upset yet again over this situation. My boyfriend said that while he can't promise that he will never look again, he would be respectful and "vigilant" when he's with me. That still irked me. So I've thought about why I've had this problem with every relationship I've been in (except one - one boyfriend NEVER looked when he was with me - and he's the one who I later found out cheated!) and it's due to my own insecurities and neediness. I was brought up by a hypercritical parent who constantly compared me to others, favored a sibling over me and made me feel that I was never good enough. Along with many other negative life experiences that affected my feelings of self-worth, this is why I would feel so bad when a boyfriend would notice other women - it would bring up fears that I am not good enough, that someone else is better, and dispel the comforting and romantic illusion that I was the center of his world. And if I were the center of his world, it would feel just like having the parent I never had.
I know that it's normal for both men and women to notice the other sex, and I certainly have (and still do) but in the past wouldn't really admit it to myself, which may have added to my jealousy - in other words, I projected it. I also didn't admit that I myself found other women sexually attractive (now that Angelina Jolie occasionally crops up in my dreams I can't exactly deny it) - and this added to my jealousy, because I was attracted to other women, too. I think the more you deny your attraction to other men and/or women, the more you will take it out on your partner.
So now I'm realizing that:
1) It is completely normal to notice members of the opposite sex, as we are all biological animals,
2) I have to own up to my own desires for other people, and trust myself not to act on them (and will therefore be able to trust my boyfriend),
3) Work on my own self-esteem and confidence - love myself for who I am and what I look like, and improve certain areas I want to improve without being self-critical,
4) Realize that my boyfriend loves me for so many reasons other than my looks - my personality, sense of humor, intelligence, compassion, etc - otherwise he would have dumped me by now for someone "hotter"
5) Own up to the fact that I may sometimes be using him to emotionally fill all my needs and that this is a selfish and unloving act, and that being controlling will drive him away (or insane)
and 5) Get a life! When I am involved in my hobbies and life's passions, I am not so dependent on another person to fulfill my emotional needs. It's when I drop these things for whatever reason that my boyfriend becomes my life and I start to have fantasies of locking him in a cage and throwing food in every now and then (he would of course not be allowed television or magazines).
I hope this has helped you some, because I have gone through this with countless boyfriends over many years and have come to realize that if I stick to this romantic illusion, I would be engaging in a hopeless battle. It is a tough road to find your center and the most important person you need to fall in love with is yourself. Then the whole world will open up to you, you will appreciate the beauty in people, allow your boyfriend to see the beauty in people, and know that he truly loves you for you and for so much more than the body you're in.
A
female
reader, europeanbeautey +, writes (12 February 2007):
the thing here is that not only does he look at hollywood stars (naked and good looking ones) but he looks at most pretty girls out there
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs you can now see my emotionally abusive EX girlfriend is quite naive. First, I do not look/glance when I'm with her. That is disrespectful and she knows I don't. Just like her other ex. Second, she believes that her other ex would not look at another woman EVER. Eva Longoria could walk by him in a red leather mini-skirt and he'd not look, not at all, not a glance, nothing. Suuuuuuuuuure. And hell's ice cold! Here's more questions about her. You can see the insanity I had to deal with. She doesn't want love, she wants a neutered slave.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-gf-got-angry-when-i-tipped-my.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-know-accountability-is-important-but-this-seems.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/becuase-i-occasionally-meet-female-students-at-my.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): GUYS, THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING BUT HERE IS LITTLE MORE INFO: The thing is that my ex really did not care to look- every time we were together and even when females in bikinies passed by he really only concentrated on me and didn't care to look.... he wasnt interested at all... and this guy says he "glances" and looks(when not with me) only at the prettiest of the prettiest.... What i really want it true love (and i seen it planty of times with diff couples) where a guyd loves his pretty gf and simply isnt interested in other pretty faces, sexy this and that... Someone like that really does exist!!!
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A
female
reader, KatC  +, writes (11 February 2007):
I think your ex may have been lying. I do know how you feel though I used to feel the same but I don't anymore I think I have just got used to the fact that all men and women look at other attractive people.Looking at other women doesn't mean he will be unfaithful and besides if he is going to be then he's going to be regardless of whether you let him look at other women or not, if anything you telling him he's not allowed to do something may have the reverse effect.It is hurtful to think your partner finds others attractive but your the one he is with and if he is looking at other women but not doing anything then it proves that he is capable of looking without touching!
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (11 February 2007):
 Sorry but your boyfriend is right here. For one I bet you drool over celebrities that you find attractive even if you do find your boyfriend attractive. Just because he glances at someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It might just mean that his eyes drift or that he can appreciate she has a nice figure, pretty face whatever. That doesn'r make you any less beautiful. It just makes your boyfriend normal.
CD
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 February 2007):
 Your boyfriend is right! Every male and female looks at other attractive people, it's just nature. That doesn't mean they fancy them or want to go off with them or leave their partner for them, it just means they find them attractive. As for your ex telling you HE never looked at other females...? I find that hard to believe. There's a difference between looking and LOOKING. You go window shopping don't you? You see things in the windows you'd love to buy but maybe can't afford to. It's the same with looking at attractive members of the opposite sex, we can LOOK, nothing wrong with that, but that's as far as it goes.
You need to trust your boyfriend more and be more confident with YOURSELF! If you carry on in life cringing every time an attractive woman passes by then you have a serious problem. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," have you ever heard that saying? It means that what one person views as beautiful is not necessarily another persons' cup of tea, we all differ and that's just as well don't you think?
Be happy in yourself and who you are and you won't go far wrong.
Eve
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (10 February 2007):
 That will be a difficult thing for him. Maybe he buys a new car which he loves. That doesn't mean that he will never pass another car lot and look at all the newest cars. He doesn't necessarily have to act on what he sees. I have been happily married for 27 years as of the 20th of this march and I have looked at many girls. After all, they dress, in most cases to be looked at and admired. Let him look as long as he does not act on what he sees or become obsessive over them. Just be proud you have him and they don't. Doc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007): Come on girlfriend, do you never drool over Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom or Jude Law?
I think you are expecting too much from him NEVER to look at an attractive woman....I do agree with you on one point, it is rude when out in public to rubberneck and look at other women when he is with you, but what he does in private is another thing. Your ex was lying to you if he said he never looked at other attractive girls. For one, he is not dead, for another, never is a long, long time.
I think what is most important is that your boyfriend loves and cherishes you. If you are going to ruin that feeling by being the don't look at other women police, he is going to end up thinking you are not confident, jealous of other women and just not that special or different than any other woman he has dated in the past.
Show him that you trust and respect him and hopefully he will show you the same consideration...if not, call him on it! Don't stew, tell him!
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