A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is more a question about my son. His father hasn't seen him in 2 years and has made it clear he has no intention of ever having a relationship with him. Same with his family.Me and my son have come to terms with this and he has a steady routine that involves just me and him. The thing is I would like to change my sons surname to the same as mine(he currently has his father's last name) but I'm completly torn. Will this confuse my son and be too much unheaval for a 6 year old? Or will he adapt to the idea? I've seen a solictor and weighed up my options and after a lot of thought I asked my son outright 'how do you feel about sharing mummy's last name so that you can be called **** ****' to which he replied 'no I liked the name I have'.I'm wondering if he is just used to that name or whether it really is bad of me to attempt this idea?My reasons for suddenly wanting to do this are because I highly doubt we will ever see his father again, and I'm scared of my son growing up with a strangers name and one day carrying on that surname when it really hasn't got anything to do with him in the ways that count? All opinions appreciated, thanks x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 I gave this question a lot of thought. Here's the thing. I know it feels like you deserve the child you raise to carry your surname, especially since it has felt like since you and your child were abandoned by the father, that he has disqualified himseld from "branding" the child, therefore the child should carry on the name of the parent who does care and has invested in his life.
I totally understand the principle and line of thought given here. However, I think the answer lies within putting yourself right in the shoes of your child. He is 6 years old and is young, but not too young to remember his dad if it's been only two years old.
Sometimes the trauma of abandonment and rejection through our own eyes blinds us to keeping mindful of how the absence feels to the child. They don't know the complexities of what happened. They don't realize the nature of the abandonment. They weren't there for all aspects of the relationship. All they know is that Daddy went away. If you take the last name away, you may stir up the trauma they went through when Daddy went away.
I believe the child should have the choice of which name they have. There are many kids who as they get older realize that their identity is closer to the parent who loves them and raised them, and they choose to switch last names. Others choose to keep the name of their father who left, feeling that if they keep the last name, they can make some sense of the parent-sized hole in their hearts.
I think the choice would have been different if your son were, say, four months versus 6 years. Now, I think you should think of what the name change might do to your son. Would it pick a scar of pain of his losing his dad? This is one of his only reminders of having a father.
I believe the choice should be his. As far as the last name is concerned. You have something far more valuable. You have your son's love. That is a treasure far beyond the last name. Try not to associate his last name with the pain of his dad, but rather allow him to own it for himself. If he chooses to change it later in life, he can. But the name is no longer his dad's. It is his.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I think you should go ahead and change it as this is something i myself have been concidering for a while in regards to my own 6 year old son,we all have the same surname exept for him and it has caused confusion so i just changed it and let him know why and he is happy about it as he never sees his father anyway and that was his fathers choice
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): I honestly think your son should stick with the surname he has until he's old enough to make the decision to change it if he wants to. I know he's still only young but he already has some sense of identity; small children are very sincere in their sentiments, so if he's saying he likes the name he has, please believe him.
Don't get me wrong, I completely understand where you're coming from with this and I'm not criticising you for a moment. But while your son's father sadly chose not to feature in his life, a link, albeit invisible, will always exist between them. There's no way of telling how your son will feel regarding his father as he grows up, which is why I think this should ultimately be his choice. That's only my opinion though! Whatever you do opt for, I hope it all works out for the best :) Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, missy_musk +, writes (1 August 2011):
 although my brother is a bit older then your son , a couple of years ago, my mum had the same problem because everyone else had my last name and he had his dad's (who has also chosen to have nothing to do with him). it might be hard to get used to for him at first but i think what you wanna do is right. when your son gets older, he might start asking questions as to why he has a different last name. now when we ask my brother if we did the right thing with changing his name, he says yes because he now feels like a part of the family! do whatever feels right to you, but in my opinion, he is YOUR son, You have done all the hard work, Your the one thats gonna be there for the rest of his life and your the one he will go to whenever theres a problem. in my book that deserves your last name, not some sperm doner dead beat man that calls himself father!.
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