A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hard to know where to start and I'm going to try not to waffle on for hours....In a nutshell I have been with my partner 3.5 years, married in August (so married for about 4 months now). For the majority of the relationship it has been happy, he is wonderful to me and still is even now. I'm well aware the problems all lie with me - he is great and I am the issue. The issue started about 3 months before we got married (potentially a bit longer than that actually but I never stopped to think about it). I lost all motivation regarding the wedding, didnt want to lose weight to look good in my dress, didnt really care about the plans....weird considering as soon as we got engaged I went head first into planning with a vengeance and was super excited. Then I went away with work a couple of times, giving me some space to think, and I realised I hadnt actually 'thought' for a few years, I'd just been plodding along in my little life allowing everything to happen to me without actively being a participant in my own life if that makes sense. Whilst I had this time away I realised how different I am to my partner, how I'd forgotten about my dreams and aspirations, and how petrified I am of continuing along this road of an 'average life'. Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with a normal, average life - many of my friends have their jobs they are fairly happy with, they have their mortgage and their summer holidays each year and that is enough for them. I wish that was enough for me. But I realised I want more, I want something out of the ordinary and my partner is basically the epitome of ordinary. I'm the first to admit, I dont really know what I want - I overthink everything in life, have millions of ideas all the time and never the money to put behind it! But I guess what I have come to realise is I want the freedom to know anything is possible, even if I havent worked out what that thing is yet. Whereas my husband wants to stay in the village we live in (we have no connections there other than work and a couple of friends), wants to buy a house and get that mortgage, then to have kids in a few years time. That scares me so much, potentially waking up in 20 years time not knowing where my life went. I've expressed all of this to my husband and it kills me even more that he is being so supportive - I mentioned it prior to the wedding and we talked about calling it off but I guess all the plans and the spending (both sets of parents spent a lot of money on our wedding) had gotten so big I felt I couldnt back out. Now 4 months down the line I'm still not happy, and I so desperately want to be happy and learn to love my life. Why can some people never be happy with what they have got? My husband has his flaws, he nags me and we bicker a lot, he puts me down sometimes and is not very ambitious with life - he has no real dreams or aspirations beyond the typical buy a house and have kids. But he is a good man, who loves me, who makes me laugh, worships me, would do anything for me, is a great friend.....there is a lot to be said for that and I'm only too aware that if I leave, I can do a heck of a lot worse. How do you know if this is just a blip or I am in fact deeply unhappy and probably deeply unsuited to being in relationships? I'm 27 now and have been in relationships since the age of 15, I've never been happy with a number of different boyfriends - 99% of whom were great! I do worry that if I leave now, I will have to face the fact I am one of these awful people who cant be happy in a long term relationship. At 27 I know I'm young but not that young either, yes I dont want kids and a house right now but may well do in the future - leaving my marriage is a likely way of waving goodbye to all of that. Plus how the hell do you leave a marriage after 4 months? The shame I feel for even thinking this is immense, explaining this to anyone let alone my family would be more painful than the idea of being apart from my husband. I have wondered for a while if there was something wrong with the relationship, I've never missed him when he's away (I enjoy the space and being alone if I'm honest, even when he's gone for more than a week). But then I wonder what more could I possibly want in a relationship than what I already have? Sorry for waffling, needed to vent this out somewhere! I know I'm a mess, I have many issues from my teenage years that I wont go into that are quite likely to be the cause of my ineptitude at relationships....I just dont know what to do for the best in this situation and the longer my husband keeps trying to make extra effort with me the more its killing me to watch, I feel so awful for how I feel when he is trying so hard.
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ambition, engaged, lose weight, money, puts me down, want to be happy, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): You are not alone in this situation. I am going through the exact same thing Been with my partner for 12yrs, 2 as my husband. Throughout that time I have always had doubts of being satisfied in my relationship and like you I wasn't an active participant and just went with the flow. But this year, I had a wakeup call. I DONT want to keep living this life that makes me unhappy. And these are my advice to you:- think really hard about what makes you unhappy? Is it the place? Your work? Lack of hobbies? It could be anything. But try to pinpoint those areas.- once you figure that out, start taking steps to change it. Like me, I hated my boss bec. No matter what I did I never lived up to him. It stressed me at work and home. Instead of leaving I challenged myself and did things his way and just held my place, and I got great reviews and a huge raise. After that, I quit. I've started looking for jobs the minute I accepted that things will improve for me. That I wont move up. I was lucky to have landed a job opportunity the least I expected it to be. And that was the start. I love my new job.- next, try to identify your emotions. This is about you. If you work hard on finding yourself while you're married, your perspective might change about your marriage. You may learn to appreciate your husband more or you may learn that "marriage" is not for you. - go see a counselor if you like or talk about it to someone you ABSOLUTELY trust who will give you an unbiased opinion on what to do. - go on dates with your husband. Do whatever you can to make this marriage work and in the end if you really can't be happy then maybe you should end it. Dont have kids, not until you're sure you're in it for the long haul. - a friend of mine says that if you don't try to fix things first and just leave, you will NEVER find any satisfaction in life or with someone else. Take control of your life and work on it. If you're serious about not making a big mistake, you need to consider all the consequences of your actions. Eventually, things will be clearer. - Don't rush into ending the marriage. Work on yourself first, whats missing, what you want and make a real attempt to do something about it. next your marriage situation, same thing, what's missing, what you want and a real attempt to improve the relationship. After awhile it will be clearer what makes you happy or unhappy - to stay with him or leave. It'll get better. Dont give up on yourself. There are people who loves you but most of all you should learn to love yourself again and be the person you want to be. Being alone isn't a scary thing but if there is a chance to be happy with your husband, shouldn't you at least try first? Good luck!
A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (19 December 2014):
And I do agree as well
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (19 December 2014):
 At the moment you're all over the place and you need space and time to decide what you want. Start by telling your husband how you feel. Perhaps you both might decide to separate for a short while. The time apart should give you some indication whether you want to stay with your husband or let him move on. Being married doesn't mean that you have to stifle your aspirations and dreams, it just means that you have to be more creative in achieving them.
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A
female
reader, misztoria  +, writes (18 December 2014):
 I agree 1000%, yes one thousand percent agree with immortalprincess.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (18 December 2014):
 In all of your explanation, you never once said you loved your husband. You talked about how much he loves you, but you never indicated that you return those feelings. You went into this marriage already knowing that this wasn't what you wanted. I understand that because of the amount of money spent, you didn't feel like you could call it off, but the problem is, you and your husband are not on the same page with your goals, you're not even in the same book. Maybe if you loved him as much as he loves you, things would have a chance at working themselves out, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
No matter how much he loves you, if can't return those feelings, then not only are you going to be completely miserable, eventually so will he. This is no good for either one of you, you clearly do not want to be tied down to a man, or a marriage.
You can try taking up something that is completely different then anything you've ever done before. Maybe an out-of-the-ordinary type of hobby, or volunteer work that gives you the opportunity to travel. But in the end, if you don't love your husband, the marriage is doomed. If you stay in it, you're both going to end up full of bitterness and anger.
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