A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My bf makes such a big deal out if how much he likes mature women in porn ( I'm mid forties) yet I simply don't understand why?I often see the porn he uses and the women all look early to mid twenties just like most typical porn and I never say a word so why does he feel the need to make a point of this?It makes me feel like he thinks my age is such a big deal that how could I possibly not feel insecure ? It feels like he is confirming that he sees me as inferior because he makes a point of trying to make me feel better I'm not even sure if anyone understand what I'm feeling or trying to say . I realise he must say it to make me feel better but it's making me feel worse.What's wrong with me and should I say anything?
View related questions:
insecure, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): I totally get where you are coming from with this. It's a bit like having a black friend and making a point of saying, from time to time, "I am really okay with having black friends"...one just does NOT say this unless there's a really exceptional reason like some other party bizarelly accuses one of being racist...there simply should not be any need to say the obvious.Your husband sounds to me like he is using a roundabout way to excuse his own porn watching. By saying that he still fancies older women in porn, you focus on the age issue, rather than the porn issue. Not everyone likes porn or uses it, and for those who don't, it comes across as a slightly devious way of trying to gain your acceptance about his 'habit'. All too often on this site I see people defend porn watching, without really querying the effects of it on women - time and again there's the "Oh he's just a guy" attitude - but not all of us think porn is so acceptable these days - I used to be very accepting but now that I've seen statistics where it is definitely the 'tip of the iceberg' in terms of women's - and young girl's - low self esteem, I have changed my views. A woman should NOT have to consider that she has problematic low self esteem - ie. that the problem is hers - just because her partner's porn habits make her feel a bit insecure about herself. Some may disagree and that's fine, but space needs to be given to those who think otherwise.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (18 December 2014):
There isn't anything wrong with you, other than a little bit of low self esteem (which we all have in some way!)
Try to ask yourself why you are so focused on what sort of women are in the porn he uses, and work on that. Unless he has a porn addiction, it truly is no big deal. The vast majority of porn features very young women, and that limits options a bit. I find myself surprised that even porn labeled MILF seems to feature women not even 30 yet. With some positive self talk and a little perspective, I think you can get past allowing this to make you feel bad.
Heck, my own husband likes porn with young women, lesbian porn, MILF porn, and even gay porn. I am not threatened by any of it- it is just a visual tool to rub one out. It is completely impersonal,watching other people have sex in no way means that he wants to have sex with them.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2014):
 dammed if he does dammed if he doesn't isn't he.
I think that he wants you to know that he finds YOU attractive.
For me, a man who looks at porn of a different type than his partner is just feeding his eye candy need.
my husband loves steak and he says he would eat it every day. he does not... sometimes when steak is available he's rather have seafood or chicken....
sometimes he just wants to see a young pretty asian girl instead of his older middle aged (54 to his 41) non asian wife. Guess what... he does not love me less or find me less desirable or beautiful because he looks at others.
...............................
|
