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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm M, she's F, and we're both in our early 30's. We've been together for four years, cohabiting for three. Generally I've felt like we're both fairly put together, but after a lot of introspection recently I think that's far from the truth.My parents married very young - my mom has codependent tendencies, and my father was angry during my early childhood. I've had issues with self worth, validation, expressing my needs, and putting up healthy boundaries. I've taken the "love languages" test and physical touch comes out way ahead of the others. I tend to only feel loved in a real way when I'm the object of physical affection, and I'm not just talking about sex - hugs, cuddles, and kisses please!My girlfriend is adopted, and has dealt with several episodes of sexual abuse throughout her life. When I met her she was recovering and in therapy for something which had happened about a year prior. We quickly became friends, and then best friends after a few months. We share a lot of interests, have similar tastes, and enjoy doing a lot of the same things. We "connected" on a spiritual and emotional level, and had a lot of fun. Throughout this time there was nothing physical between us, because she wasn't ready and I understood why and supported her recovery. As the months went on, I tried to be patient - but I wanted a physical relationship and I didn't know if she'd ever be ready for one. Eventually she did respond physically, and I know it's because she feared losing me. Perhaps not the best of beginnings...Fast forward four years to the present. The "best friends" part of the relationship is fantastic, and we've made some great memories and had some really good times. She is still my best friend, I love her, and I can't imagine life without her. We're very caring toward each other, and our relationship has that great "she's got my back" feeling. She has made some not so subtle hints about marriage, but frankly I'm scared. Sorting out the "why" to that is some work I absolutely need to do.To her vast credit, considering her past, we have a sex life and she's not repulsed by the touch of a man. On the other hand I'm not happy with the physical side of our relationship. She rarely initiates affection, except for holding hands and a peck on the lips. She'll hug me, but only briefly. She doesn't like open mouthed kissing; we've only "made out" once, and I really miss it! She doesn't like to cuddle either, usually complaining that it's "uncomfortable".The sex is good and not good at the same time. I am incredibly attracted to her, and we always turn each other on. But though it almost always has a happy ending for both of us, the actual act is very brief and (to me) infrequent. She's only comfortable in two positions. She loves receiving oral, but doesn't like to give it. And in a strange reversal of gender cliches, she doesn't like to cuddle after sex because she's not comfortable being naked (sleeping naked is out of the question).The lack of touch leaves me feeling unloved, rejected, and even alone at times. I feel like, apart from the vanilla sex, that we have a G-rated marriage. If oxytocin is what comes from skin on skin, then I must be starving for it. On the other hand I know on a rational level that she does love me - she is simply unable, or unwilling, to express it in a language I can hear (cue Gary Chapman). The sex aspect is frustrating for different reasons - mostly because I feel like I am at a point where I can finally grow sexually past a lot of shame / guilt issues I accumulated growing up in a religious household (I was raised Christian, she was raised Catholic). I'm ready to spread my wings, but I can't leave the ground without my best friend at my side.When I bring up these issues, she usually either makes noises about improving, or tells me that I'm being "shallow" or "we're not teenagers anymore". Part of me dies a bit when I hear this. Maybe I'm being too needy, and that is repelling her? But I know that I can be better about expressing my feelings, and doing so in a non-threatening way. I'm probably coming off as too passive aggressive. I think I've allowed her abuse issues to become an excuse for holding my feelings inside, because it makes me feel like I'm being unfair to her to expect something that she can't give. But I'm realizing now that it's not up to me to decide what she can or can't give. On the other hand, she's told me that she doesn't believe that her past has anything to do with this. She also says that I'm being selfish and unreasonable, given that her friends' sex lives are "way worse" than ours.I've read the posts and heard the conventional wisdom on these matters. Yes I can't change her, but it's also not unreasonable to expect that we both make an effort to reach some middle ground. How much should I be expected to change? I don't want to leave her, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life in an affection-less relationship either. She hasn't been in therapy since we first met. Should I suggest it? Is there hope for us? Is couples therapy the answer? I know this sort of asymmetry is common, but how does it end?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 February 2012):
Hi there. Is it possible that she is really only going to be open to you sexually, inside marriage?
Regardless of the abuse she may have suffered in her past.
You can't force the issue here, however you both need to be clear on what it is you both really and truly want from this relationship.
She might also be having some trust issues towards all men - not just you.
So you do need to build up trust with her.
She needs to know you are not going to hurt her in any way, in order for that to happen.
She is possibly wondering if you will ever commit to her.
And I guess, commitment is really what we are talking about, isn't it?
By both of you.
Sometimes it takes a leap of faith.
Four years is quite a long time to be together, so there is something between you - even if it's not quite what you need it to be right now.
Maybe it might be a wise move to sit down and talk about what you both expect of this relationship. And when you do, be completely open and honest.
And DON'T leave anything out, of what you hope for.
If you don't do this, you are only going to be guessing at what the other wants.
It all needs to be clarified, sooner rather than later.
Please don't delay it any longer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): sounds to me like this relationship is not meant to be as a romantic relationship. It's a great friendship, for sure, but that's where it should stay. she's giving all that she can, what do you expect from her? that she force herself to do things she's not comfortable with so you can feel more loved? how would that make you feel more loved, knowing that she's gritting her teeth holding in her sense of fear or whatever other conditioned emotional reactions she has.you need to break up and move on so you can find someone who can freely give you what you believe you need. Instead of staying with someone who's giving all she can, but it's still not enough for you so you're hoping to squeeze more from her which she can't give. that's going to slowly kill the love in your relationship and at some point you won't be best friends anymore. why not respectfully and gracefully part ways now, while maintaining friendship, but acknowledging that you're not meant to be romantic partners.either that or you should change yourself because you're right you can't change another person. Maybe you can learn to rely less on the physical aspect to feel loved and validated. if you can't change this about yourself (and I'm not saying you should be able to, I don't know), then hoping or wanting her to change so that you don't have to change, is going to be even more unrealistic.
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