A
male
age
51-59,
*nquisitor
writes:Hi,Just a question if anyone ever succeeded with respect to different views about living together.I was married for 16 years and then divorced after my wife cheated. I met a new woman after that and we have been together 3 years now. She is a flight attendant, so she has a life always on the go.I miss my girlfriend when she is away, but we keep in touch electronically. I have grown used to this together/apart style of relationship. When she is away I focus on personal stuff that is my priority so it does not take away from our "together time".The issue is that I would like for us to live together. Although I am divorced, I loved living with someone and sharing life, and working together towards long term goals. I have been alone for several years now, and I can handle living alone, but I also bought a house after the divorce, and I would like to share it and mold it into something that the two of us can enjoy. Basically I want to move my relationship to a deeper level of long term commitment.My girlfriend, naturally, has a different viewpoint. She lives in a very small apartment, closer to the airport than my house, and is quite happy with our current arrangement. She has never lived with anyone in her life, and is afraid of commitment (she admits this). She also admits that she is selfish. Her longest relationship is 4 years, so we are fast approaching that milestone, but, I am not getting any younger. I feel that if she does not want to live together, that is fine - there is no right or wrong here. However, it is what I want long term, and if she does not want to do that, then we should go our separate ways. I could still find someone who shares my long term views.We fight a lot about this. When push comes to shove, she says she is willing to move in with me. But she absolutely hates change in her life, and so my concern is that she would do it for the wrong reason - fear of losing me. If she did it, I fear this would inevitably fuel discontent and more fighting for different reasons once we lived together. I interpret her reluctance to consider living together as feeding her selfishness, and an unwillingness to embrace the chance to grow the relationship.I guess what I am asking is if anyone else has successfully overcome something similar, or is the solution simply to move on. It is not something I want to do. The chemistry and attraction between us is incredible, I have never experienced this in any previous relationship. We have the same mindset and views on most things in life, with this one big exception. So I would hate to throw it away, but I don't know what else I could do. Suggestions?
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male
reader, inquisitor +, writes (12 December 2014):
inquisitor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for their kind comments, I appreciate it. I have decided it is best to break off the relationship. The struggles do not end and will never end because principally I cannot have in this relationship that which I desire most, a life partner. Perhaps my expectations were not realistic to begin with, but the chemistry and attraction between us play a strong part of that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): I think her personality let her choose this job as flight attendant, and her becoming your girlfriend didnt change anything. She is still who she is. I am a bit of an expert when it comes to flight attendants, as my childhood friend is flight attendant . These people with this sort of jobs posses certain qualities. because they are always on a go, and deal with all sorts of people they develop a certain attitude toward relationships and friends. Nothing is permanent for them. They change friends and partners quite often. The reason is that first not every person is like you tolerant of her constant absences, and friends keeps changing because there is noway that they can keep friends if they can't maintain contact. People on a go are often very impatient when it comes to handling conflicts, they would rather avoid it. My girfriend managed to have a couple of kids and a husband, but MOST of her friends didnt . Unfortunately I don't see how she will change her mindset if she didnt do it by now.,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): Sit down and discuss all of this without an argument if possible. Then consider a break from the relationship if you can't agree on what to do. One way to deal with it is maybe to live together part time, she lives with you on her off periods and keeps her apartment for when she is working. However I think there are other reasons that she doesn't want a the commitment that you do, if you don't know what they are other than her being selfish, (I'm not sure exactly what it means in this case: selfish, she just wants her time and life decisions to be made by her and not have to answer to anyone?) then you need to ask what they are and see if there is any way to work them out. Maybe she is afraid of possible conflicts, you changing and treating her badly, losing control over her life, losing financial power and so on. And then of course there is the issue of her job, it would be more time consuming, difficult and tiring for her to commute from your home.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (11 December 2014):
I can appreciate the difficult situation you are in but never the less you are very object in what you want and that is a very positive.It would be a good idea to have a long indept chat with your girlfriend and mean everything you say even to the point of you both going your separate ways.See how she reacts to that Choice and then You will have to decide to accept the way things are or go it alone and hope to meet someone Special to live together longterm.However no matter what chemistry or attraction there is between you and your girlfriend each of you want something different.This might be worth thinking about.But one thing for sure if she does not want to live together with you -there is no point.As you want a longterm relationship living with a woman as you suggested its time to move on.Its a difficult decision but Time waits for no man. Kind wishes NORA B.
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