A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I am talking to this guy whom I occasionally work with and I hang out with, we have slept together a few times, we hang out more than anything. So he works alot and the other day it was my birthday and we were suspossed to hang out for my birthday but he said he didn't think he was going to get out from work on time so we made plans to hang out the next day! For some reason I didn't believe him and me and my friend drove to his apartment to find his car there and lights on in the apartment, we drove around to see the apartment from different angles and in-between the time of driving a car appeared parked behind his and we seen a light come on in the apartment, I know he talks to other girls but I have feelings for him and I don't know what to do, we are both getting out of a marriage and he just moved into his own place. So when I seen him the next day I asked him what time he end op working till and he said eleven at night and we were at his plae at nine. No one knows that we talk my friend knows but he doesn't know that she knows anything! I told him he doesn't have to lie to me about anything even though he doesn't know that I know that he wasn't at work! If he can't hang out with me it's fine he can just say so it's no big deal I just don't want lied to! We have been talking for four months now and I am wondering what else has he lied about, i want to asked him about my birthday but I don't want to seem like a stalker. What or how should I approach him lying? I love hanging out with him I just don't want lied to!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 I dislike liars and lies, and I tell the truth 98% of the times ( some white lies are at times inevitable ).
Still, I can sort of see where is coming from.
Perhaps ,more than a serial liar and player, the guy is a non-confrontational type who likes a hassle free life.
It sounds you are just dating casually and still he must
be aware that you would not have liked him telling you " I am not gonna see you on your birthday because I am gonna be banging another chick ".
He could ,in fact should , have said " Sorry I already have plans " then- be honest - you would have said : "But it's my birthday !! What plans ? Could you not reschedule ?..." I don't commend him for sparing himself the embarassment but neither I can crucify him.
I think that the problem lies, more than in his devious ways ( we don't know if he is a serial liar yet ) in the kind of relationship you have.
You seem to be in a sort of gray area, hanging out often but not in a relationship, more than FWB but less than exclusive.
Have you talked about what kind of relationship you offer and expect ? have you talked openly about it being exclusive, or it is just "sort of " implied ?
Perhaps you should talk to him about your wants and needs to check if you are on the same page. Of course, the risk is that you are not, and that he is not available for what you want from him. But, IMO, better know where you stand that having to play nerve -wrecking spy games.....
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 January 2011):
I know you really, really, really want to call him out on his lie, but I really don't think you should unless you want to come off as total stalker status and he'll probably distance himself even more. Seriously, no one likes to be lied to, it pisses us all off. But #1, he's not your boyfriend. You've been seeing him for 4-months and he really has no obligation to you. He lied to you probably because he's not one of those people that's good at confrontation and for him it's easier to give you a broken promise than to tell you that he has something else going on on your birthday. Even I would rather hear, "Sorry, I have other plans let's hang out another time" than be flat out lied to.
#2, calling him out on his lie isn't going to help you out at all besides give you shortlived satisfaction. Imagine how it'll all play out when you tell him that you drove by his place and saw his car there and lights on. Of course you could say that you were "in the neighborhood" but if you lie about it, then you can't really be mad at him for lying either.
In the end: no one likes to be lied to. It makes us feel foolish for ever believing them. It's almost insulting because he thinks he can get away with whatever and you'll believe him. I don't really think you should give him some slack and if you know he's a liar, confronting him about it doesn't mean that he'll start telling the truth. He might at first, but then fall back into his old habits. You should really think if you want a "friend" or "friend with benefits" that you can't trust. If you can't trust your friend, why would you even want to be around them? I know you like the dude, but after 4-months and still not being your boyfriend, it's probably not gonna happen and he'll just piss you off again and make you feel stupid when he starts lying to you again. Your choice, but it's probably best to move on and pay attention to someone worthy of it.
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A
female
reader, tozziie  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Definitely talk to him, but think it through first - How will you approach it?Don't get tangled up with a liar, I agree with YouWish.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Well, absolutely you should call him on his lie. But before you do, consider what outcome you want the conversation to achieve. To do that, you must decide what you want the relationship to be.
Because I'll tell you now, getting tangled up with a liar is only going to get worse. You know he talks to other girls, and you two aren't exclusive. However, he could have told the truth or at least said "I have prior plans, but we can hang out tomorrow". He may have lied in order to not really hurt your feelings on your birthday, but nevertheless, you don't want a guy who can easily lie to you like that, because it's only the tip of the iceberg.
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