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age
36-40,
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writes: Hello. I started dating this wonderful girl recently. She is everything I ever wanted. We had a bit of an odd start as friends. Then she started to pursue me as a little more than friends. Things were going well, until a man from her past came along and ruined what we were starting. I was pretty broke up over it, until a few months later we had a long talk, and picked right back up where we left off. I don't hold anything against her, that's not the problem. The problem is that I don't know how she feels about me. To make matters worse she doesn't know where she's gonna be in a few months. Normally I wouldn't be so stressed about it, except that we are so open, and connected with each other that it's almost unreal, like an instantaneous spark. She tells me things that no one knows about her, horrible things that happened to her, that she doesn't tell anyone but me. I have never felt so intimate with another person. We have never been physically intimate, though we have slept together several times. When she is in my arms sleeping on my chest, I feel like I have the world. When she is happy, and laughing I'm overjoyed at her happiness. When she clinging to me crying over her past, I feel frantic to help her, I'd kill a hundred men to ease her pain. But sometimes I feel like she's holding me at arm's length. I don't know if she's scared I'll hurt her, or if she thinks I'll hold her back if she decides to go, or if she doesn't have feelings for me. I simply adore her, and I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me. I bring her flowers, I take her out, I listen to her dreams, and fears, and I feel blessed to be able to do so. I want her to have everything she has ever wanted, but if she goes away out of my life I think it'll crush me. When we kiss it's like the most amazing feeling possible. When I leave her she squeezes me so hard I feel like she's gonna break my back. As long as she's here I want her in my life, but I don't know exactly how she feels for me yet.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Read her this post. (Leave out the part about the man from the past, though) I mean, all that you wrote about having the world and feeling fireworks got me kinda misty and we've never even met.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should have mentioned the lack of physical intimacy has to do with me not her. You have raised very good points, both of you. I am glad I got a contrast from both sides. I'm not the type of person that will readily become an emotional ashtray. She has never asked anything substantial of me. All the same I am inclined towards seeing myself as a pawn, whether she means to or not. It's in my nature to be skeptical. But I'm trying to act a little differently because I see potential, and I don't want to screw it up because I didn't give her adequate time to come around. Regardless, I'm gonna ask her up front, and find out how she feels. The least I deserve is that. This has the potential to be a monumental trainwreck of a heartache for me, but to committed to just drop it. I have to see it through one way or another. I'll give her a little more time, then come out with it directly, we're up front with each other anyway. I want to know she feels the same as I before I invest anymore emotion. If not, then I want to be free of her, I want to hear her say that she has no interest in me. If there's nothing else to be taken from this it's that I realized I'm ready for a committed healthy relationship. I heartily welcome further input.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 When she tells you all of those intimate details about herself, every horrible occurance or nightmarish events that happened to her, she is immersing herself into you. We all have our secrets and if someone chooses to share them with you, there is something there. There is some emotion if not complete love and attachment.
If she laughs with you and smiles with you and holds you as tightly as you say, she is not likely to leave you so coldly. You two sound as though there is real love here and if you keep her happy, keep listening to her and keep showing her how much you love her, there will be no choice to be made. She will choose you.
There is no garauntee for these things, after all, everything and anything is possible. Do not lose hope and do not surrender faith in this relationship, there is no garauntee she will leave you either. Keep loving her, as long as she holds you and as long as you are able to run your fingers through her hair when she is in your arms, you should smile and know that her heart still carries a pulse for you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 November 2010):
 She is holding you at arms length because she is not sure she wants to be with you, but is certain she wants to use you as a source of emotional relief. Maybe it will turn into something one day, in her eyes, but first, you should examine what's happened thus far. Reading your question does not give me hope for things.
"Things were going well, until a man from her past came along and ruined what we were starting."
OK, he didn't mind control her or anything. She deliberately chose to ditch you for another guy. Do you have a good reason to forgive that? Do you have reason to believe it won't happen again?
"To make matters worse she doesn't know where she's gonna be in a few months."
In other words, she has the chance to string you along and then leave without having to deal with it - or, worse, to genuinely start to care for you, and leave anyway. Is that worth it to you? It's possible she knows she is going to leave, and simply lying to you.
"She tells me things that no one knows about her, horrible things that happened to her, that she doesn't tell anyone but me."
That doesn't mean she loves you, just that she needs comfort and knows you will provide it. I'm sure she needs the help, and I know you're happy to provide, but many a frustrated "let's just be friends" was born from this kind of thing.
"We have never been physically intimate, though we have slept together several times."
This is not evidence that she doesn't like you - but it is a *lack* of evidence that she considers you more than that.
"I'd kill a hundred men to ease her pain."
While romantic, protective instincts are good, they are also a sign that you are in an emotionally vulunerable position. If she actually asks you to do anything substantial (involving money, violence, or serious time investment on your part), you must really consider whether she is taking advantage of you.
Look, I konw this feels good, and I'm not trying to crush any hopes here, but it sounds like she's just going to use you as a source of comfort, then leave without returning your affections. This is a nasty way to take advantage of a decent guy, and something you always have to watch out for.
You know the exact situation better than I do. Just sit back for a moment and honestly consider the points I've raised, just so you can make an informed decision.
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