A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i need help. i have been married for 9 months now and my wife left me last week. we have been arguing for months about silly matters and managed to resolve them but recently things started to get worse. the past 4 weeks we have had breaks, slept at friends, slept on the couch, not talking, bringing up old issues that had been talked about and many many heated arguements. she has a problem of starting an argument and then saying she has nothing else to say i have said it all before and thats it, she never listened to what i had to say and said i always contradicted myself and didnt make any sense. The fact is maybe i did, but the points were still there so she should have picked up on them and realised the issues. Then i asked her weeks ago to come to relate but she didnt want to because she didnt feel she needed to talk to someone about what she already knew. she said it herself that she wasnt ready to get married and only realised that about 4 weeks ago even though i had said it months before. so weeks went on with more arguements. i have said some nasty things to her in the heat of the moment and she cant forgive me for doing so. the problem i have is that we both got married very soon after dating. we where engaged after 3 months and married in just over a year. it feels like we have hit the 2 year mark at the same time as the 1st year of marriage and we both lost sight into what was happening. we agree that both of us are to blame for this but what happened recently with the arguments etc is why she has left me. I said some really hurtful things that i totally regret and she knows im sorry but cannot forgive me. and for those reasons she finished it and said there is no going back. all i wanted was to move on after we realised what had happened but she couldnt do so and now its over with no going back. how do i win her back? how do we start afresh? it seems such ashame to throw away something that was so good so quikly without talking properly about it and having a clean slate. we were both at fault, more so me the last few weeks and i know that. she cant forgive and has said there is no going back and thats it. i dont know what to do. i never wanted this but by being verbally abusive towards her was just out of sheer frutration as we didnt talk to someone before it was to late in her eyes.
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female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (4 September 2009):
 explain to her that you dont want to end the marriage over things that you can try and sort out.maybe have a break for a little while and then act as if you were dating take her out and spoil her if shel let you dont give him
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 First of all you have to determine for your self whether you want to spend the rest of your life with your wife. This means looking at her from the perspective of whether she was ever compatible with you to begin with.
But that isn't the only thing you have to do.
Something attracted the two of you to each other. Whatever it was. And somehow you two clicked in the beginning.
I think she's worried that she married way too soon and has some deep regrets about it, but I am not so sure she regrets marrying you.
Likewise, I think you're frustrated because she won't hear you out, and when you say something it seems to her that you've contradicted yourself. But that's what happens when people fight. They look for inconsistencies and contradictions. And so she's going to hold that against you and then you say some nasty things to her.
The problem I see here is that you two don't know what a marriage is made of. Its a lot more than just two people.
There's a deep commitment there that's emotional, intellectual and physical. And these things come together in different ways every day.
In order for you to have a good marriage it takes a lot of frank communication (without a lot of criticism), and it takes a lot of love and compassion. That means forgiving and forgetting a lot of the past and moving past all of that towards the future.
So back to square one here. If you determine you want her back for certain and you can spend the rest of your life with her, what can you do to change your behavior towards her? What can she do to change her behavior towards you?
The next step is you need to leave her alone for a little while. Some of the posters recommend 2 weeks to cool down. Whether its 2 weeks or 10 days or whatever you feel is enough for calm heads to prevail, then at that point talk to her nicely and sincerely.
Tell her that you want things better between you and that both of you need to make changes in the way you react to each other. That's basically it. If you get past the fighting you can get to the best part of a good marriage, which is the loving.
But its going to take the two of you to work together on this and you have to do it in the most mature way possible. It sounds like there's a great deal of mutual attraction there. You've known each other long enough to see what the other's like. You know the good, the bad and the ugly. So try and focus on the good part.
If the two of you work towards this together, the struggle together by the way makes it all the more worthwhile. The rewards are greater that way.
Finally, I would suggest going to a counselor to help smooth this out for the two of you. I think there's something there in your relationship to each other that is irresistible to both of you and yet at the same time creates a lot of discord. If you can find that special something and use it constructively, you both should be very happy together.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Take two weeks to cool off, both of you. Then send her some flowers and a note with an apology, futher stating that you want her in your life and that you would like to work things out with a counselor.
The damage is beyond what two people can repair without a removed 3rd party. When people keep digging up the past it's about resentment and unresolved issues. Bringing up an issue and closing down (what she's doing) is out of hurt and emptiness. You need some time to distance the anger and for each of you to realize why you got married in the first place.
If after two weeks she is not willing to work things out then I would say the marriage is over. You really need two people working side by side every day to move a marriage forward, otherwise, it dies. A counselor will not only resolve today's issues, but a good one will give you tools to work out tomorrow's issues together.
Good luck,
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A
female
reader, Pretti  +, writes (4 September 2009):
Marriage is an agreement between two souls who think and behave differently. There is no marriage fairy tale, it is only found in children books. Maybe you are right, maybe you are wrong but by putting all the blame on you seems unrealistic though worth considering. Maybe both of you go for counselling....
Marriage is a gamble, if you win it will last a life time, if you lose, move on.
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A
female
reader, brinni_babe +, writes (4 September 2009):
I’m really sorry for what has happened. Just tell her how you feel and that you thick it would be nice to star of fresh. Tell her that you have tried explaining you side before and that you’re starting to not believe in yourself anymore.
Hope this helps and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I do think that you both rushed into marriage - maybe for both of you it was the whole idea of the excitement of the day of the wedding - nothing about each other! Marriage needs give and take from both sides if it is to work.
You both need to see a counsellor to sort out your issues, if you are both rehashing past issues whenever you are having an argument this can be very destructive, as well as showing that you have not resolved any issues.
If you want any chance at trying to save your marriage I suggest you both get to a marriage counsellor without delay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): it all started by loosing sight into whats important feeling like we where incompatable, loosing sight to what was actually going on by not talking and drifting apart when in actual fact there was no issues it was just the post wedding blues and insecurities of doubt etc
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Phew! I think you said there was "no going back" too many times for me to count. The big question is ...."do you love each other"? If the sleeping in different places has only been going on for 4 weeks, I'd say you have a reasonable chance of working things out if you both really want to. In good relationships you don't need to talk to outsiders, (when it gets to that stage it usually just costs a lot of money and ends in separation anyway), only the two of you do really know what's going on.
You don't mention what the arguments have been about, and that's pretty important. Any chance of you enlightening us as to what the arguments are based on? Has one partner done something bad? Or are the arguments just based on nit-picking?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): You are a couple of total berks. Sounds like a load of immature mumbo jumbo to me. It's either on or off, and to me it sounds like a complete mistake. In the grand scheme of things you two haven't known each other very long and the time you have spent has mostly been arguing.
Grow up or split up, and neither of you should marry anyone before you've given it the right amount of thought.
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