A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hi all! I have a question about a past relationship. Quick info: I am 27 and live in Nashville, I have been dating my current SO for 5 months. He is 28. It is my first healthy relationship, and I am very happy with it.The question I have is about my EX who I dated for 6 years REALLY QUICK BACK STORY: I began dating my EX when we were both 18. We were a typical young relationship that lasted WAY too long. Through two different colleges and multiple long-distance episodes, we eventually ended up in the same city. (We are both from the same city originally, and he moved to my college city about 4 years into the relationship) We had worked 2 different jobs together throughout these 6 years and eventually lived together for about 6 months of the relationship. The relationship ended very badly. When I was graduating from my school (on 24/25) we became long-distance again. He still had 1 more year left of school, and I thought we would both figure it out when he was done. Unfortunately, this is the time he chose to pull away, and after 6 years, he broke up with me over the phone for another girl (who was his coworker). After that we did not speak for 3 months, but of course, he tried to come back, and I stupidly accepted this, but the same thing happened again, and he left. I was livid and had been through so much. I felt I helped achieve the life he had made since I was a huge encouragement for him to move to my city. This was 2 years ago. I was so heartbroken. He eventually got back into a relationship with that same co-worker he originally left for. Over these 2 years, I have really thrived with my music career and life. In all senses, I have moved on. I have a wonderful group of friends, a great job, and am pursuing my music. The problem is, I feel like I never got a resolve from this relationship. After he left again, I NEVER spoke to him again. He only tried to call once. In addition, I am finally with a healthy partner, that I am really happy with, BUT recently I keep having dreams that I need to talk to my EX. My current relationship is getting more serious, and I don't want to have these lingering unfinished feelings anymore. As strange as it sounds, I just feel like it's not fully resolved. I don't even know if this makes sense? I guess I just want to discuss everything that happened, and try to learn from it. A few people have told me that there is no point trying to talk about the past with my EX, since he probably doesn't have the answers or closure I seek. I agree with this, but I still feel like I want to speak with him. As bad as that relatiobship was, he was someone VERY important to me for a long time, in a pivotol time in my life. I can't feel like it has an unresolved or hostile ending. Please let me know any thoughts on this. I guess I want to know if it makes sense why I want to have a conersation with him, and is it even a good idea to try? I have not conacted him in 2 years now, and it scares me to think about doing it, but I feel like it needs to happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo correction:
"You're scorned by the fact he went back to a woman he dumped you for."
P.S.
I know you feel humiliated, played, and foolish. Like there were words never said to make him understand how you feel, and how hurt you are. Don't empower him by letting him know he still owns a piece of your heart. You own your feelings; and you have the power to love somebody else now. Pleading a case of how guilty he should feel for hurting you is wasting precious time.
Let the words in this paragraph inspire you to write a song.
Let-go, sweetheart!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): Achieve your closure through your music. Write lyrics that express what you'd say to him, and bare your soul in a song. That's how hits are made. Then follow it up with a song about how you've moved-on.
Use this for creative energy; otherwise you are sabotaging your current relationship.
Your hurt-pride and bruised-ego are telling you that you have to tell him off and get something off your chest. You're scorned by the fact he went back to a women he dumped you for. Man do I see a song in that!
Turn pain into art, sweetheart. You were blessed with someone else to move you forward. That's what the Lord is trying to tell you! Turn bad into good!
Don't look back! Best wishes with your new love and your music! Don't muck it up!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 November 2019):
 You have the closure.
It’s over, done, finished. You weren’t right for each other, what more do you need?
You are happy in a new relationship, so be respectful to your partner. What’s to say your ex would even give you a proper reason? Or respond? Then you’ve made yourself look silly making contact and still non the wiser.
Accept what happened in your own mind, that’s the only closure you need.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 November 2019):
 I doubt contact with him will help you at all. He has no obligation to give you the closure you feel you need. If you do talk, it will probably just open a lot of old wounds and leave you feeling even more unsettled than you currently do. It would be great if life was "tidy" and all loose ends were tied off to enable us to move on. However, the only way that will happen is if WE do it for ourselves.
The end of your relationship is very typical of many first serious relationships (mine included). You keep getting back together because you are pulled towards familiarity. You are each other's "safety net" when things go wrong in the frightening outside world. However, sooner or later, one of you no longer feels a need for a safety net and the relationship ends for good.
My advice would be to leave your ex where he belongs - in the past. Yes, you two WERE an important part of each other's lives for a long time but that is now in the past. You owe him nothing, the same as he owes you nothing.
In your shoes I would write him a letter, setting out all your feelings and all your questions, and then try to answer your own questions. Once you have done that, make a fire and watch the letter burn. As it burns, visualize it burning through all ties to your ex. You have a new partner. He deserves your undivided attention.
Good luck with your career.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2019):
 Since you are asking… yes it is silly. Very silly. And pointless.
Closure is overrated , or, in fact, one cannot really have " closure " because 99% of times the person who wants closure actually means that she / he wants all what happened to be explained and justified in a way which is logical / sensible / acceptable TO HER / HIM. Which, can't ever happen. There are always two sidea to the story- things that may be very important to one party can be irrelevant to the other and viceversa. ( Which makes sense, after all when two people break up , most often it is because they have incompatible life visions , tastes , ideas , sensitivities.... otherwise they would have not broken up. )
I guess it's like Honepie says , you went along in an LDR, in close proximity your energies did not mesh enough to keep him interested and committed . I suppose you want him to tell you precisely WHY he fell out of love with you, and, beside the fact that he will be hard pressed to pick one specific factor,- I bet all you want ,that whatever he chooses to focus on, it won't ever feel valid reason enough to you to justify a break up ." Whaaat ? I was always on the phone with my mom ? I was always wanting to spent time with them ?? so what ?!! It is GOOD to be family-oriented , it's
a PLUS ! "
" Whaat ? Are you kidding ? You got turned off because I spend too much time in the morning fixing my make up and hair ?? Excuse me ! I always thought that
having a well groomed , attractive partner is what a man wants "
Stupid examples, I know, which probably have got nothing to do with your story, but just to stress how futile is going back to trace the hows and whys and whose fault it is - when something is finished, dead and gone.
It's over. Accept that, the rest does not matter.
He used to love you, but it's all over now- as the Rolling Stones would say . AND, the good part is that you can largely afford to not give a fig about it ! You moved on, you feel great, you have got new friends, new job, a new wonderful partner. Everything is looking good,- so enjoy it. Be in the here and now. Why going digging in the past ? Terrible waste of time. You cannot change the past; and you do not need to change your present, or the future which you are building for yourself now by your current thoughts, words and actions.
Give yourself your closure. DECIDE it's case closed. And it will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): Your serious relationship is giving you anxiety. You want answers and closure from your ex because you were so hurt and deep down you're afraid of the same thing happening. I suspect what you are really looking for is a way to prevent this relationship ending in hurt and pain and you think if you really put the old hurt to rest you can do that.
that will not work.
your ex cannot give you what you need. All you need is time and trust in your new guy. A conversation with your ex will only disappoint you. You want him to be able to say something that takes away any lingering hurt but he can't do that. In time you will stop thinking of this if you can acnkowledge the reason you really need this closure and realise that only you can give yourself that kind of closure.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2019):
 He can't GIVE you closure, but YOU can do that yourself.
He doesn't OWE you any kind of conversation or explanation either.
Even IF you did get to have this conversation who is to say he doesn't remember things VERY different from you? In a way where HE wasn't the dick, who left you twice? Because more often than not, people who cheat or do "questionable" things in a relationship will conveniently "forget" or "alter" the past to suit their own narrative.
What you REALLY need to do is LET him go 100%. ACCEPT that HE wasn't the right man for you. The reason you two worked out for along as you did? Because you were LDR. As soon as you two actually LIVED to together YOU got to see the REAL him and he got to see the REAL you, and that mix didn't work out.
You claim you have moved on, but you HOLD on to needing to TALK to him and have closure. Closure is a darn unicorn. It doesn't really exist. What does is exist is ACCEPTANCE and UNDERSTANDING. So accept it didn't work out. Understand that HE made choices REGARDLESS of dating you.
And then STOP delving in the past. LIVE in there here and now and GIVE all that attention to your current partner, not some dude from the past who WAS important as some point but NOT longer is. Rehashing the past is pointless. He can't change the past any more than you can.
Let it go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 November 2019):
 You need to realise with situations such as relationship breakups there are always three versions of what happened, your version, his version and, somewhere between those, the truth.
What are you hoping will happen if you contact him for your "closure?" Its very unlikely he will view your contribution to his eventual success in the same light as you do, it is also unlikely that he sees he owes you some sort of pleasant ending. He may view your contacting him as an intrusion into his life which appears to be on track.
You and he started dating while very young, and you both out grew each other.
Just accept it happened, you had some good times and then some bad times, that's life. You also need to accept that sometimes ending are clear cut and sometimes they are messy, as you progress through life you will find these messy ending will clean themselves up so that they are no longer of much importance and simply a distant memory.
Let it go, I cannot see anything positive coming from you having a conversation with him at this stage.
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