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female
age
36-40,
*assthechocolate
writes: My partner and I have recently got engaged, bought a house and have finally decided to settle down after many years of playing the field. We have been together for a year now and I have so far felt that this is the last man I will ever be with.Recently, we had a few friends stay with us and on the last night, some things got a bit kinky in the tent. My partner's best friend of nearly 8 years (whom I had never met before as he lives in a different part of the country) watched us having sex, and I found it a huge turn on. I decided to be honest with my partner and tell him that I was very sexually attracted to him and would like him to consider the possibility of a threesome.My partner understands my feelings, and wants to feel the same way, but is suffering from some jealousy and possessiveness problems which he wants to work through so he can help me fulfil my fantasy. should try and help him with his problem or just get over my feelings and move on?
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best friend, engaged, fiance, jealous, move on, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): http://www.online4love.com/ is the primary way my husband and I meet likeminded "friends with benefits." There's no uncomfortable wondering if you ought to approach someone, you already know upfront when you meet them, and it is definitely worth the extra cost of becoming silver/gold imo, so you can exchange notes or pics before meeting and make sure its a good fit.
My hubby is str8 and I am bi and we have had no problem finding partners on online4love.com. We've had fun sex with lots of single men, single women and full swap couples that we met on O4L. And yes, I'm real, and no, I don't work for O4L or think they're perfect (they can be pricey and they goober up email sometimes,) but I think they're the best thing going by far for meeting other people who just want to have sex without strings!
For those complaining about the cost—ok, I agree, but I think you get what you pay for. I pretty much don't write people unless I can see what they look like and all, not because I'm shallow or a snob but because I want to know THEY'RE for real too and don't trust blank profiles...can you blame me? Also, it can be risky to contact people to swing with! Are they my boss? My brother? Twice my age? You get my drift. I’d like to know who I’m initiating a conversation with! The extra cost put into a good profile helps narrow down those you want to meet. How long do you pause on a profile that does not show a picture? (Faces can always be “smudged” until you know each other better to avoid embarrassing compromises.) And, although we are admittedly "just after recreational sex", part of having fun is that we have to LIKE our bedpartners too, so we look for things like a sense of humor and easygoing fun nature and a “click”. (And more expensive memberships include more matching criteria and stuff, too to help the odds of getting that “click” without too much searching.) So I guess I'm saying that if you don't cough up the extra cash for a full membership, don't expect overwhelming responses. There are lots of people who post their pictures and info, so when looking for people it's easy to breeze by the ones that don't. We may miss out on meeting some great people because of it...but we meet lots of great people too.
I agree there’s a high ratio of men to women, but I don’t know why that surprises anyone. Seems expected to me—although many women love sex, there do seem to be a lot more guys that are ok with swinging or casual sex than girls, for whatever reasons, and that’s not specific to O4L.
I definitely vote that it is worth the time and the money! We've had many a fun night of frolic thanks to connections we made on O4L. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): My fiance had a DREAM about having a threesome with me and my best friend, it bothers me, and it was a DREAM. Your fiance has every right to be jealous, because wanting to have sex with his/her best friend is probably one of the biggest insults/put downs anyone could ever receive.
I think that you're being downright selfish, and for your fiance you need to work through your problem for him/her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): I'm sorry in advance to come across as harsh and judgmental but I think you are being very foolish and immature. If you respect yourself, your relationship and your future together then you ought to discard this stupid threesome idea. Either your partner is enough for you or he isn't. He is RIGHT to feel jealous. Who wants to share their partner with a friend to whom she feels attracted? This is a recipe for disaster. What happens if the friend reciprocates your feelings and you then decide to run off with him? Really, I think you are too immature to be in a relationship with your partner. You need to grow up and think about how to make your relationship better and more fulfilling or admit that you don't really want to be in it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): I'm sorry in advance to come across as harsh and judgmental but I think you are being very foolish and immature. If you respect yourself, your relationship and your future together then you ought to discard this stupid threesome idea. Either your partner is enough for you or he isn't. He is RIGHT to feel jealous. Who wants to share their partner with a friend to whom she feels attracted? This is a recipe for disaster. What happens if the friend reciprocates your feelings and you then decide to run off with him? Really, I think you are too immature to be in a relationship with your partner. You need to grow up and think about how to make your relationship better and more fulfilling or admit that you don't really want to be in it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): As a guy who has done this before, you have to be sure that both of these guys are cool with the idea. Part of his hesitation is going to be performing in a room with another guy. Its difficult, especially if they've been in competition for the same women in the past. Tread lightly, but if this is a fantasy of yours, you might want to think of other ways to find someone who isn't so invested in past relationships with either of you. It makes things far less complicated before, during, and after the fact... but can take away from some of the sexual excitement.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): I disagree with the guy that said "Well, by even thinking about screwing his friend in front of him (or with him)" and implied that means you don't love him.
The important thing is that both people of the relationship are O.K. with a threesome and can handle the normal feelings of insecurity and jealousy. This includes bringing in a female or male as the 3rd partner.
If you guys are ready for it, then go for it. I've personally had a threesome with my girlfriend and best friend. It was great -- the key is, can BOTH of you handle it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): You're not ready to get married. You say you think this guy will be the last guy you're with? Well, by even thinking about screwing his friend in front of him (or with him), it shows that you don't mean that. Love is something you do, not just say. If you really love your fiance, you wouldn't be doing things to jeopardize your "love" just so you can fulfill a fantasy. If for some reason this remains some big issue for you and you can't get the thought out of your head, then you should heavily reconsider if you're willing to make the necessary commitment and do those acts of love and compromises that someone who truly loves her fiance and is really willing to commit will do.
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A
female
reader, ..*TrueHelp*.. +, writes (7 January 2007):
 HelloYour fiance probably feels like he is not good enough for you or the he is embaressed to do it with his best mate there reassure him that u just want to try something different and the he has nothing to worry aboutGood Luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (7 January 2007):
 Maybe try having a threesome with one of your best friends and see if you feel the same toward her and him. Especially if he really ENJOYS himself. Tell you what, you might not like the outcome of that one. Or maybe you have run out of things to comment on and decided to place a question just for the heck of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): You talk as if your fiance has a problem! He is not irrationally jealous or possessive for not wanting to watch you shag his best mate - grow up. I have been involved in a threesome with my boyfriend and another girl but I chose and instigated the whole thing because I wanted to please my boyfriend.I don't regret it and probably got more out of it than the other two but I did not feel threatened by the other girl as I knew he did not fancy her as she was an ex he could have back at any-time, in retrospect I feel she was rather used but hey -she's an adult and she'd lose no sleep if it was the other way around. You have told the man you supposedly love that you want to sleep with his best mate because you fancy him and you think he has jealousy issues!!! Be thankful he is jealous or you wouldn't have much of a relationship - I know my fella was and he knows I'm straight! I don't think you have the maturity to get married.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 January 2007):
 I say you should do what you said yourself...get over your feelings and move on.
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female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (5 January 2007):
 I'd highly recommend that you simply forget about this and move on. It's one thing to fantasize about doing this but it is a completely different thing to actually HAVE a threesome. If your boyfriend already suffers from jealousy and possessiveness now, it will certainly increase if you do have a threesome. It is one thing to imagine your gf having sex with another person (male or female) it is entirely different to actually witness it and have the sight engrained in his mind forever. While there is nothing wrong with experiementing sexually, BOTH parties (in this case, all three) really need to look at the situation and the potential consequences it may create in the future. I do not feel that this would be a positive addition to your sexual experiences, simply because he has already admitted to jealousy and possesiveness problems.
Acting on this fantasy, I am sure, will be the beginning of the downfall of your relationship. Why risk something you consider to be a wonderful thing, for an experience that in the big picture will mean nothing at all. We all can't have everything we want, sacraficing something as simple as acting on a fantasy is a small price to pay to maintain a strong and healthy relationship.
I speak from personal experience, and that is all I will say on that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Passthechocolate - let's stay on topic. If you know your partner is jealous and possessive, have you also asked him why he would consider having a threesome in the first place? I know he wants to pleasure you and fulfill your fantasies, but even then, it takes any man or woman the internal will to agree to something like that.
Say it was I, sure the idea is nice, but though I am not as jealous or possessive by nature, I do wish I can have my gf/wife all to myself. If I was dating someone casually, sure, I wouldn't mind having a threesome.
So how do you work this out? Well, like I said, compromise. How does he feel with girl girl guy? Would he still feel jealous if some girl is sucking him off with your tongue tied together with her's? Would he still feel jealous if she's riding his cock, while you ride his face? Of course, it's different when another man bangs you from behind while you swallow him whole in front, or maybe DP with his balls rubbing against that other's guy's. The thought of having some other guy give and receive pleasure from the woman he loves can be quite unbearable I'm sure.
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):
You sound very judgemental as you interpert fidelity as "jealousy and possessiveness problems".
If you are 18-21 that just makes the whole situation weirder. you are settling down now after many years of playing the field? Huh, what the hell was going on when you were 16?
Anyway doing this with someone you know and who he want to see on an ongoing basis seems like a very bad idea.
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A
female
reader, passthechocolate +, writes (5 January 2007):
passthechocolate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin response to a reply from an anonymous poster, yes I would consider a threesome with another woman. I wouldn't get involved in the action with her, but I would be happy to help him enact his fantasies. We have actually discussed this.
although there have been some helpful replies to my question (well, one), none of you seem to understand that we have actually discussed the situation at length. If any of you had actually answered the question, I do believe the answer would have been forget about it and move on. Instead there is just a swathe of judgement against me, basically saying i'm a horny slapper who shouldn't be getting married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): You are deluiding yourself. You say you are not attracted to anyone else - obviously you are, or you wouldn't want to have sex with his friend.
You find sex and love easy to separate? Yeah, right. Men do, true, but women? Not usually. But maybe you are the one-in-a-million who can.
You THINK your fiance wants to go along with this. Obviously he does not, or he wouldn't be having issues of jealousy and possessiveness. Sure, he may be trying to please you, but why are you trying to insist on doing this?
Well, go ahead. You'll find out its not as simple as you seem to think, and you may end up in emotional turmoil. Plus, minus a fiance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): In that case, then just ease him into it. Compromise with having girl girl guy and then guy guy girl. Why not? Whatever works for you. 8]
Maybe go to a sex party and watch people do it, or maybe a bit less risky and watch orgy porn to get his juices going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Your only opportunity to have a threesome? If your guy is not totally into it right now but its possible for him to change, (and since you say he does want to try it) then maybe you should work it out completely first rather than rush into it. That way, you're less likely to run into trouble in the future. But if this involves you and two guys, will you be ok with it involving you, him and another girl (which is something he might ask for later on)?
Me and my girlfriend were thinking off a similar thing involving only foreplay though. We decided not to go ahead with it and we dont regret it. But that was our decision. Dont feel like this is your last chance for a threesome thing. If it becomes too late to involve his friend, maybe you can find someone on adultfriendfinder.com?
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A
female
reader, passthechocolate +, writes (4 January 2007):
passthechocolate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify. The question was should I help him work through the issue he has (as he is interested in it too) or forget about it. It is something we both want to experience.
You all seem to be very judgemental and not at all open minded. We've pretty much tried everything else and it's just something that happened very unexpectedly. It's not about wanting to cheat, because I don't. I love my partner very much, but I just find love and sex very easy to differentiate between. He does too, believe it or not, And I have never even been slightly attracted to anyone else since I have been with my man, which is why I want to do this, as it may be our only opportunity.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 January 2007):
 You're opening a can of worms. If you really like it, do you think it will only happen once? If you have to convince your man to do it, he WILL resent it later. At least he's likely to resent it.
Why don't you try to discover something else that turns you on? This is mostly a mental turn on and the reality is, it's probably not as great as you think. It might be fun on a physical level but tha's short lived. What makes it so important?
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A
female
reader, Granny +, writes (4 January 2007):
 So you played the field and then wanted to settle down with the man of your dreams, bought a house, engaged etc. Now you wonder why your fiance has a problem with that? Girl, you are not ready for marriage. Jealousy at this point? No wonder, poor man!
Make a choice about your needs, your real needs and be honest about them to save pain and grief later. You have obviously not fulfilled your sexual fantasies. Do not get married and promise monogamy and love until either you can really stick with it or until you find a partner fully prepared to swing with you and all the consequences that go with that scene. Thought about AIDS recently?.
You probably have no idea of the hurt you might have caused your fiance through this.
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