A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok here's the story,I hooked up with this chick I met a little while ago and we get along famously. We speak often, have a good time when we go out, great sex albeit a little infrequently due to distance constraints.It hasn't been going long enough where I would call her my partner, but I have abstained from sleeping/seeing anyone else (by choice) not sure about her.She was fairly neutral about the whole 3some thing when I first bought it up and usually is about all that type of stuff no matter what the topic, but of late there has been definatly more 'off limits' things that are surfacing. The other day the 3some issue came up again(from me) The discussion ended in disaster and finished with "It feels like if I don't do it, you won't wanna see me anymore" I was pretty hurt by this, but I KNOW I didn't put up an ultimatum and I definatly don't want to push her into something she's unsure of, however there are quite a few things I want to experience in my life before I am 'commited' to someone and this is on my list. I personally think it's probably better to have a 3some outside a relationship (partly why i suggested it NOW) but I get the feeling now that this is a distinct NO from her.I like this girl and I respect her wishes, but I feel I'm going to have to ignore something I wanna experience (among other things) and have to cope with some sort of guilt trip to beat if I want to continue even just seeing her.What now?
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female
reader, toughlove  +, writes (13 October 2007):
Just went back and accidentally found your response! The fact that your ex did this is definitely relevant to your obsession! I noticed, when you talk about this new girl, you do not sound like you like her or respect her very much. She was an easy catch for you and you do not appreciate it. But when you talk about your ex, you sound like this is a person who you have really strong feelings for. I think, you feel that by having a threesome you can somehow tie yourself back to her. Also, I find that relationships that end so-called amicably never really end. If you still like each other and you love each other there is no reason for it to be over.
A threesome is a bad idea. Not all experience is good experience and this is definitely not good experience. Most people who have had several sexual partners, me included, wish they could erase all the ones that didn't lead to long-lasting fulfilling relationships and/or children. Mistakes are learning experiences, of coarse, but you are not headed towards a learning experience, you are just reacting towards what was a difficult breakup by releasing your grief in a self-destructive way. Acknowledge your loneliness which this new rebound relationship doesn't fill. The truth will set you free, sinning will keep you a slave to sin.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): toughlove,
Thanks, you have probably understood what I have said the most and perhaps answered in a way I understand best.
Yes there is confusion in monogamy on my part, without ranting on, my previous partner and I of 5 years elected to finish our relationship (on good terms) some years ago. She then elected to go and do exactly what I mentioned in the first post with some random guy. I later asked why she never bought this up in the past (It was never a want from either of us) and she told me, "I could never do that with you." That comment alone left me feeling in a state of total rejection and inadequecy as if I were not good enough to do that with, even though we had seperated.
That may sound TOTALLY stupid, but thats the reality of how I FEEL about the situation. By no means is my want any sort of payback (was many years ago now) but maybe expalains my obsession if thats what it really is (thanks Ponungalu, at least it's made me more aware)
Unfortunatly with limited space (and some embarassment from me) this isn't just about 'a 3some' this is about exploring MYSELF and from what I wrote above I guess this is just one of the things at the forefront of my mind.
toughlove, I guess by what you've said, I interpret that as I could go and do it anyway and really find I feel no defferent at the end of it all.
I can say that I have not been involved with this current girl long enough to say I love her (quite new) but it is definatly a possibilty hence why I am posing this question now.
Thanks for the helpful replies.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 October 2007):
You think it would be fun to help another guy screw your gf? Drop the 3-some thought, it's way out in left field.
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (10 October 2007):
Try including the word "love" in your lexicon. You talk about hook ups, relationships, experience, getting along, but you should focus on love. From this whole earthly experience we are all on, it is the only thing that lasts.
You obviously have an issue with sex. You are ambiguous about monogamy, and seek out experiences that sound like they would be fulfilling, but will only leave you feeling disappointed and empty at the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): if you really want this experience then go down to a club and get a 3some. there are always people looking for this kind of stuff
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I think its a great idea!!! You, her and another man. What more can a girl ask for. I must admit my partner would never let me shag another guy in front of him. All I can say is she is a lucky, lucky! girl.
What on earth is she complaining about.
By the way, this is a joke..............get a life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Hi Love,
you hooked up with some chick who actually likes you alot by the sounds of things and I get the feeling you really dont no or care, You may have got the idea in your head that this is not a relationship thing love but did you tell her what you wanted from the start.
You want casual and you need to experience this fantasy or you will never want to settle really, And this girl doesnt want this so you should do the right thing and tell her how it is, finish it so you can go and fullfill your fantasy, If she is worth loosing of course. from the way you write your not going to be content untill you do this so its best hun to tell her the truth and how it is so she knows just were she stands as she is not interested in your fantasy she is more into you TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXX
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (9 October 2007):
 If a 3some is worth losing this woman over (you do seem a bit obsessed with the idea, btw), go hire yourself 2 hookers. You'll get the experience out of your system, and maybe, if you're lucky, your new girlfriend will still want you around. if she doesn't, it's your loss.
My fantasy is to make it with Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton at the same time (with or without the deed being video taped). But if I don't satisfy my fantasy, I'll still survive. Fantasies are just that . . . fantasies. They don't have to be acted upon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Look, I am sorry but you sound like one of the most crass, insensitive people I have read a question from in a long time. What do you think the world owes you?
It takes much more effort to make a long term relationship sexy. It takes imagination of an intimate kind and some soul. Yours is about as deep as a puddle of doggy wee. Sex is becoming McDonalds style smash and grab and you are falling into the trap. Nothing in life is for free, all excesses come with a price and so does selfishness. The more people can have, the more they take and the less satisfied they are with anything. I have a vision of the next generation of women hiding their self worth under a permatan and poodle, getting their tits out for the boys - while pretending to enjoy it and striving towards role models that demean and devalue them. Men too are being completely hoodwinked. Do you honestly feel that the way you think about women makes you good relationship material? You may attract the odd, damaged or shallow sort of person but you are really not, absolutely not behaving like the sort of man a worthwhile woman would ever dream of going near. Who are your role models? Where have all the heroes gone, I really miss them. People with high ideals, morals, bravery and kindness. When I look at the contrast between that and what you are offering I'd sooner eat a plate of cat food if it were me. I am going to tell you a blinding truth: For a woman having sex is usually about spending emotional currency, not about frotting about like a dog against a lamppost. If they bravely pretend otherwise they lie to themselves. Why should this girl spend a single cent on you? Not a clue. (There are many very kind men responding on this website, so please excuse if I generalise out of anger.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): You can't push her into doing something she dosen't want too do, she'll end up building up anger about it. I think you should break up with her, have a threesome then get back together or stay with her and leave it as a fantasy
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