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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a friends with 'some' benefits type of relationship going with a very hot n sexy guy. He's the hottest guy I've ever laid eyes on, and he makes me wanna just be free and not hold back in any way, or I might regret it.However, because of risks in catching stds if he ever did anything with other people I'm finding myself holding back. But I don't want to! We get naked and have a feel around etc but not sex and not even oral. I brought it up briefly in a text and said I don't do those things if there's a chance other people r involved just to see wht he said. His reply: 'fine with me'. So I asked what was fine- that I didn't want 2 have sex/oral or that fine about not having anyone else involved? His reply was 'sounds a bit too involved. Just leave it.'Very confusing! But a few days later it was back on, don't know if that was a test to see if I'd give in or what, but still no sex. It's been 4 months now.Little activity lately though and less texting so I text him 2 ask does he still want to get together? He said he didn't know and that we'd discuss it over coffee. So I'm just wondering what it is he wants 2 discuss? Exclusivity? To move things forwards? A relationship? (Unlikely I think as he said from the start he didnt want one) or could it be that unless we progress physically then it's off? But then would he have really waited around for 4 months for sex? If so why wait if he could get it from other girls? He did mention at the beginning he'd been with 'a lot' if girls - he made a point of it too which seemed a bit strange at the time - could he have just said that to make him seem wanted or experienced? That's another thing that if hes been with so many girls has he been tested for stds? Difficult to bring up, but I want to straighten things out and see where we're both at when I speak to him in a few days. He did say, at the beginnng, there's noone else on the horizen but if there was i wouldn't have a right to go mad or whatever so agreed to it. His words used to describe me at the beginning were 'attractive, a laugh and MINT' . I want to be prepared for this chat and the outcomes. Myself, I'd be v interested in exclusivity but wouldn't want to be in each others pockets so maybe see each other 2wice a week but do our own thing too. I wouldn't want it to be b/friend g/friend type of relationship, does it even have to have a label? I just want to be exclusive to each other sexually so we can be healthy and safe and have no barriers. Advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you :)
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 Hi There,
It is unethical of you to ask a FWB to be exclusive as the nature of a FWB is so that both of you can continue to seek out a soul mate.
Here is some further information about managing a FWB situation that you may find useful.
http://www.franktalks.com/friends-with-benefits/
-Frank
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): You sound as if you don't fully understand the FWB thing and I'm not sure you sound suited to it. You can't be exclusive with FWB, that's the whole point. It doesn't suit everyone by any means. Most people want a relationship, feeling used if sex doesn't come with a a level of committment. I would quit the FWB situation and just date people in a normal way. You want to know where you stand.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 So.... he's quite the male-whore, and YOU want something that's exclusive.... sounds like total incompatibility to me...... I suggest you look elsewhere to find a (an exclusive) guy to take care of that itch that you have between your knees....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2013):
 I agree with SVC.
I don't think yo understand the concept of FWB. It's NOT about exclusivity. It's about NSA SEX with someone you know. (NSA NO STRINGS ATTACHED). What you want is that he ONLY commits sexually to you. And that is NOT what he wants. That would require him putting in an effort.
I think FWB is a dumb thing for most women to gt into, mainly because we DO attach feeling to sex. And with that comes "demands" and so forth.
Another thing... YOU can let lose sexually and STILL use protection. Specially with a guy like him you NEED to use protection.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Cerebus and Staceily nailed it.
"Exclusive FWB" is a bit of an oxymoron. He's not interested in getting exclusive, and I'm sure he wouldn't think twice about dropping you from his schedule if you start making demands or giving him ultimatums.
You have two choices: get over the fact that this guy is hot, and move on to someone better suited for you OR resign to the fact that you have to lose your expectations.
Also, condoms.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answers so far. Already feel like I'm more prepared with being let down.I obviously like the guy, but not quite to the extent as some of you think. Physically yes but no I do not want a relationship as I have just come out of a serious one myself which I ended as I didn't want to be tied down.I forgot to mention a couple of things in original post. When he broke it off before why would he have bothered to come back? I just accepted what he said before and didnt bother him but he made contact again. If he wanted to stop it all surely that would have been a reasonable way out?I know I'm investing a lot of thought in all this, but I don't go making it clear to him that I over think stuff, I keep texts short and infrequent and only meet up once a week or so, so I don't think I'm giving him the impression I want more. All I'm wondering is about this chat we'll be having, and it'd be cool to do more physical stuf with him but I'm obviously concerned about my health that's all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): First and foremost, people should only engage in "safe-sex" and use condoms in casual or uncommitted relationships.It's a must, not optional. You have sex with every other girl (or whomever) he has been with when you don't. keep that in your head. You should be careful about HIV and STD's if you are sexually active.You don't want to be FWB, you want a relationship. You thought by offering sex freely, he would fall into your little trap. He'd fall in love. Well, it didn't happen.Now your emotions are all up in the air, wondering what will come of all of this. He has already told you.He doesn't want to be exclusive and doesn't want a relationship with you. He didn't wait 4 months to tell you otherwise; he waited that long for the truth to sink in. For you to find someone else.He is seeing other women, presumably. He knows you don't really know the true definition of being friends with benefits. You are in such denial that you see what you want to see. You have access to him sexually, but you want more; so you settled for what you could get. You're not being fair to yourself. You are also wasting your time. He at least stayed within the terms of the agreement, regardless of all the violations you've made.I empathize with you for needing to have an exclusive and committed relationship. Unfortunately, you are trying to force someone into a relationship with you, who doesn't want to be.You wasted the four months you were granted to start getting over him. He even minimized social contact and texting as a way to let you down easy. You are still in hot pursuit.Prepare yourself for another dose of the truth. Move on and find your well-deserved happiness. You really believe in monogamy and being committed. Don't sell yourself for less.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (29 March 2013):
 What I am taking from this is that you are putting a ton of thought into this 'relationship', and I don't think he is giving you much of a thought at all. You are very into him and this. He doesn't want anything serious, that's why when you asked too many questions over a text he shut down and said its too much. Being exclusive to only sex with each other is dating, even if you don't think it has a title. He isn't going to go for that because he doesn't want anything exclusive. You sound far too invested already and want far more than he does because you are over thinking it. I'm sure you won't do this, but my advice is to get out because you will get hurt. The only time friends with benefits works is when both people can take it or leave it, it's casual and fun, there is nothing casual about the way you are approaching this. And I have to add FWB rarely does work out well, read some posts on here. Can you imagine him posting a question on an advice site asking paragraphs worth of questions about what you are thinking or feeling...? I certainly can't. I'm willing to bet if you told him you can't do this without exclusivity he would say 'okay' then go to another girl within the next couple of hours or days.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 March 2013):
 The whole point behind FWB is that you have no say in what he does with anyone else.
YOU want more. He does not, you asked about it and he said ‘it’s too involved just leave it” that means (to me) that he’s not interested in being exclusive with you nor is he interested in progressing the relationship from where it is.
You can’t demand exclusivity sexually and expect that from someone not committed to you emotionally can you? I can’t. I wouldn’t. And to be honest with this guy the way you present it, even if I asked and he agreed I’m not sure I would trust him.
My husband was a dog before I met him and I was very sexually active and open in the swinger world. WE both mandated blood work (and presented the paperwork to each other) to show we were clean at the start of our relationship and at 6 months again (by then we both were monogamous with each other but our doctor still runs a full STD panel when she does a checkup just to make sure nothing lingers)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): I don't see the confusion and all your questions you already have the answer to, OP.
OP this is supposed to be a casual thing, he has told you that. When you pressed him for exclusivity before he told you it sounded too involved and to leave it.
OP you're going way overboard in your expectations, questions and demands here for what is supposed to be casual. It's so very obvious you want a relationship regardless of what you try tell us. Your actions are very clear. So many questions, so many demands. You sound giddy about the whole thing, that's not casual.
OP FWB's is just two people shagging, spending time with each other filling a need until someone better comes along, you're trying to tell him to not keep his options open, but that's the whole point of FWB's.
You don't have to have sex with a woman for her to scratch an itch, so where you get the idea that he would have walked ages ago I don't know, he may well have someone else or may well be doing the one night stands thing and having you as a comfort, hand job, cuddle buddy.
You're basically asking for a relationship here.
OP what I don't think you get here is you're making this far more hassle for him than he's probably going to tolerate.
Are you going to demand he show you a certificate of being STD free? Because if not then you really have no way of knowing and for someone so worried about protection you'd be a bit of a fool to take only his word on it.
You'd also be a bit of an idiot to just take his word on him not sleeping around or keeping it exclusive when you're only going to be FWB's, sure he can say that you will be but he is still free to see other people and he can still decide in the moment to have a one night stand or hook up, he has no obligation to you regardless of what he may agree to.
Frankly OP, and I don't care what people think, if all it took to get you to open your legs is to tell you I'm clean and agree to only shag you then the guy I was 10 years ago would gladly tell you those things and ease your mind regardless of whether it's true or not, because I will still be wearing condoms. Now if you wouldn't take my word for it and were smart enough to demand a written statement of clean bill of health, then that would be just too much hassle and I'd go find another fuck buddy. I have no problem producing one for girlfriends etc.
But even the me back then would realize you want an actual relationship and I wouldn't feel good about that and I wouldn't do it.
OP you want too many strings on this "no-strings" thing, this is so very important to you and if I can see that just from your post then he must know that.
The fact he wants to see you face to face for coffee to talk looks to me like he's going to ease you down gently. Just a feeling really, although I hope I'm wrong.
For the record I think you're doing the right thing demanding safety here but your stated reasons sound like bullshit to me OP, you say it's for safety and so you can let go. But that's what condoms and dental dams are for. Sounds to me like you just want him all to yourself because you want a full relationship but will settle for just having all the relationship stuff but just not labelling it.
Hopefully I'm all wrong here OP and he can give you what you want. I think the chances are slim though, if he wanted all the trappings for a relationship then he wouldn't have made it very clear to you he doesn't want one and frankly OP I don't think he will be foolish enough to fall for the "let's be exclusive but no labels" trick. A relationship is a relationship regardless of the label.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far, but as regards to using condoms etc when we first got together he did get one out to use and that's when I said I wouldn't go all the way. He appears to be very clean and hygienic as his house is that way and his image is always very clean. Also with regards to me getting too deep and looking into things too much, while I understand it could take away the fun aspect, but then he wants to bring up something for discussion. Surely if he couldn't be bothered anymore he'd just leave it and not even explain or things wouldn't be up for discussion.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Since you are going to meet up and discuss everything soon, you'll know all soon enough.
Anyway , if I have to guess , from his texts and actions I think he does not want to be bound to sexual exclusivity with you. He means it's " fine " if you don't want to do oral and intercourse, he wouldn't ask you to stretch your limits- as for him ,asking him to bind himself to not have any other partner , is a bit too involved, too much. There may be no other woman on the horizon, atm, but if one , or more, pops up , he does not want to have to miss them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 March 2013):
 I think he meant he had a lot of experience, so he is not over excited about an opportunity to have sex. He is not missing anything if there's no sex for 4 months. He wants sex to be carefree. For him you asked too many questions and to took away the fun. He has an attitude like when you meet strangers for sex, you take the risk but the fun will be worth it. Many people, including me, would happily go without sex than to worry about condoms.
An FWB is supposed to be a casual relationship. To him you might be overthinking things and it hardly feels casual.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 March 2013):
 I think that if things have been petering out between you two communication-wise, he's not going to take the leap into exclusivity.I think not having a label and having a relationship based on naked heavy petting is selling yourself short. Prepare for the worst and move forward if you don't get what you want.
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