A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want a baby and need to have one soon! I'm 36. I have a boyfriend of a year. He knows of my desire to have a baby and marriage. He says he's "open to it" when I brought up the baby but no real concrete plans. When I brought up marriage , he said its too early to discuss (because it had only been 8 months when I brought it up the first time)I had always thought I'd have a baby on my own if I wasn't married. By a certain age. I guess my question is - what are your thoughts of this "I'm open to it " response? We are having unprotected sex and he never even bothers to ask when I'm ovulating. I will tell him when I am because I'd like more commitment first.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 January 2014):
 I don't know, personally if I had got this kind of reaction- getting stressed out, being evasive and prompyly changing subject- I'd take it as a clear indication that he is definitely not ready yet . That's surely not the reaction of an enthusiastic father-to-be. I guess it means " I am open to it, - vs. being totally adamantly opposed to it - but not YET. Maybe later ".
It remains the mistery, as you notice, of why he keeps blissedly having unprotected sex with you then, being that he is a grown up man who knows about the flowers and the bees etc. etc. That would incline perhaps more towards worst case scenario, like , it's your decision so do the heck you want, not really my concern.
But maybe I am too pessimistic. Perhaps he is just one of those guys for whom female reproductive mechanisms always remain mysterious and bizarre , even if they never skipped their sex ed classes. ( I must say that when I tried for a baby and I was siccessful at the very first try , the father, who was 30, college educated, not an idiot etc etc, still was amazed :" Really ? But we only tried once . I thought it would take more time." LOL. As if a baby were done in installments, a few sperms at a time ).
Anyway , just in case, and just to be on the safe side, since , if I got it right, you'd go ahead with the pregnancy anyway, no matter what he says, but you'd much prefer if he were fully on board , perhaps you'd better bring it up again and this time be more specific :" BF, we are not using protection and I could get pregnant any day. Is that OK with you, or would you prefer me if I used protection and NOT get pregnant ? ". Difficult to evade a question like that. After which , of course, you are still free to still do what you want even if the answer should not be the one you want . I. e, since you say you are also ready to be a single mother, you can go ahead anyway if needs be. But at least you'd know what to expect and where you stand exactly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares we have had an talk about it. He gets stressed and keeps saying "I'm open to it. That's a lot for me". and tries to change the subject
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 January 2014):
Best case scenario, it means that he is a happy go lucky type who just takes things as they come . If it happens it happens, fine. If it does not happen, fine too. He does not particularly care either way ( which it is a bit different from willingly aim for a baby ).
Worst case scenario, he is completely ego centered and uncommitted, so if you get pregnant, it's YOUR problem, he never said "Give me a baby ". It could be : YOU wanted this baby,now YOU deal with it, financially and otherwise ; and if you nag me too much about my responsibilities, I'm outta here.
I still wonder why you have to go by mind reading and you can't just have a honest talk about this , which after all os an important issue. " You know, John, you are well aware , right ?, that I am not using any contracception and could get pregnant any moment, how do you feel about it ? Are you excited at the idea, ... worried... or what ? "
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd rather not just get pregnant just yet if he's not ready. I'd never "trick him" into it - but to be honest - he's either infertile, an idiot , or ready for a baby but too scared to admit it. I have made it clear I would never have an abortion - so he knows how this will end and he doesn't seem remotely worried about it (except I wish he's just saw 100% that he is ready and we make a plan)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): In your shoes I'd take it to mean he's not bothered whether you get pregnant or not. So I would get pregnant.
You sound like you're ready to be a single parent if need be.
If he didn't want kids, he should have said so explicitly. Knowingly having unprotected sex and saying you're open to procreating is a yes but with conditions. It's up to you whether you ask for those conditions or you takehis yes at face value.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 January 2014):
 Whatever you do, don't try to sneak getting pregnant by him. Not suggesting that you would do this. Just throwing it out there.
I can completely understand where you're coming from with wanting to have a baby and you feel time is running out. Many women feel this way when they reach into their 30's. The one thing you have to keep in mind is that you can't force him to be ready for all of these things at such an early stage in your relationship simply because you feel time is of the essence and you are feeling pressured to hurry up.
If you feel having a baby is something you really desire in order to feel complete, which again, is completely justifiable, keep in mind that you can always adopt. There are so many wonderful children out there who need loving homes. There are also a number of ways you can get pregnant, such as purchasing sperm, and conceiving your own child. And if your boyfriend wishes to be a part of this baby's life, so be it. And if he wishes to kindly back out, so be it, as well. But if having a baby is something your heart really desires, go for it!
I wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 January 2014):
If you want more committment before you get pregnant, wouldn't it make much more sense to not have unprotected sex and use contracception UNTIL yu get that committment ?
I know you say you were planning to have a baby anyway by a certain age, with or without an official partner, so I guess that even if you get pregnant now, unmarried and uncommitted, it's fine anyway.
But then, why even worrying about committment.
I think you have to make clarity aboit what you really want : baby first , or committment first ?
As for what " I am open to it " means, he's the only one who can explain and elaborate. Ask him. If you want to have a child with him, it would be more sensible to have a a clear ,open,frank discussion about it, not just to go ahead on the base of a vague " I am open to it " , the meaning of which is still quite unclear.
If I have to guess , I'd say it means " I am open to it- when it will be the right time, i.e. not right now, after one year of dating, but if and when we will have a more solid ,future -oriented relationship ". When he can see this happening, again, you'd better ask him first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): "what are your thoughts of this 'I'm open to it' response?"
Boyfriend wants to continue getting laid regularly without making any promises or commitments because right now he's enjoying all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities or obligations. As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
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