A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on how to deal with a situation with a guy. I've got myself stuck. At the end of last year I had a fling with a boy who was part of my friendship group. He was much younger than me, so when it started I didn't take it seriously. I treated it like a bit of fun from the start and stayed quite cool towards him, when we weren't hooking up and I kept it quiet from our mutual friends. But over time I started to want more and really fell for this guy. I never told him this or gave him any indication of how I felt. Equally though he never really gave me any indication that he wanted more or was interested in taking things further. Then over Christmas, he started a new job and met someone else. They are now a couple - early stages but it's looking every inch the young love story. And it's really hard. We have mutual friends so I see or hear about them all the time, (when I'm not torturing myself with social media). The girl is lovely - I like her and she's trying to be a friend - which is tough as she has no idea what went on between myself and him, or how hard I'm finding this. Only one friend really knew what happened and even to him I pretended not to care, so I have no one to really talk to about this. But it's really upsetting me and I'm getting exhausted hiding it.In every other respect this year has started out really well. I should be really happy right now. But this one thing is really getting me down. I know that it's ridiculous and I know that it's clear nothing would have ever happened between us even if he hadn't met this girl. I know I have no right to be upset, but I am. I really want to be with him and it's starting to get in the way. I'm avoiding certain friends, then clinging to others. I'm always thinking about him. I'm not enjoying the great things in my life because he's not there to share them with or if he is he's there with her. Every time I'm alone I start getting depressed and feeling down about myself. I can't talk to my friends because we're all so close - it would make it awkward. And I'm not malicious - I don't want to spoil his happiness and I don't want to make this girl uncomfortable. But it's getting a bit much to bare. I'm worried I'm going to crack and either make a fool of myself or create tension. I don't know what to do for the best, but this is not healthy for me. I know in time things will get better, but right now it's getting worse. Help. :)
View related questions:
christmas, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (20 February 2014):
 Greetings again OP,
I am glad to hear that you've managed to find some form of stability in friends.
As for your situation with this guy and this new development I would avoid rushing into asking any questions. After all you don't want to be a rebound. I would enjoy his company and then when you feel sure in your position then ask him but one thing I can say, uncertainty is a corrosive, it will eat away at your esteem if left unchecked.
Ask in an off manner sort of way, something to which you both enjoy. Because either way it will give you closure and a chance to either realize your hope or move on
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk - thanks for all the advice. I did follow it and keep my distance. I also opened up to a friend who was really supportive. However there has been a development - he's single again. It didn't work out with the girlfriend - nothing to do with me - it just didn't work out. And I still really want to be with him. I saw him on Sunday with friends - I didn't know he was single, so I was consciously keeping my distance. But there is def still an attraction there - I just don't know whether he wants anything other than sex. I didn't sleep with him but I could of. I haven't stopped thinking about him since and over analysing how the night went. But to him I've gone back to ice queen tactics. What do I do? I feel like if I ask him out and he rejects me, it'll not only hurt it'll be humiliating in front of all our mates. But I can't stop thinking about him and now he's alone as well - I don't want to be kicking myself in a few weeks when the next girl who isn't a freak in this area comes along and becomes the next girlfriend. But I don't know how to approach him - partic as until now I've been distinctly cool.
...............................
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (27 January 2014):
Greetings,
After careful consideration about your situation I must agree with the other that have replied to this.
Your situation is made worse because you are bottling it up.
You pretend around others that you are stronger than this and you have found no-one to support you.
This is what is eating away at you, this desire to want to let your heart out.
I would suggest one of two things,
1.) Talk to him and let him know how you've felt (but don't make an attempt to lead him astray)
2.) Meditate on these feelings and take solace in the support you have from your friends available to you and move on
...............................
A
female
reader, Viktobi  +, writes (25 January 2014):
Hi Dear,
I am sorry you are going through this. It is tough but here is what I have to say to this.
You could either
A. tell him how you feel (it seems too late for that as he has someone now) but still instead of torturing yourself, tell him you have feelings for him but you know it is probably too late and just walk away.
he will either - say he is with this new lady
or have lots of things to think through....
B. Move on. Focus on you and make yourself happy. You just said it yourself that its likely you guys cannot be together (and if it is age that is stopping you - then please take that rubbish off your mind - age is nothing but a number) however hard it may seem you need to forget about him and do things that will make you happy, distance yourself a bit as well...when you are ready to hang with them again, then it will be possible. But for now let there be some distance - seeing them all up in your face isn't going to solve your broken heart. Meet people, hang out with friends or family and take up a new hobby.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): Young lady, who knows, he might feel the same way about you, but a lot of times men don't reveal, their true feelings. So their is only one way to fine out, he might just be with her cause he wants to be with you so much, that he trying to hide his feelings for you. So if I was you, I would try to get some place alone with him, in person, an let him know how you feel, before they get to close to each other, you don't want to go through, life wondering what if. An if he wants to stay with her, you tried, an smile for you, gave it your best shot.
...............................
|
